AmericaGreat

     Hello, I’m Donald Trump and I want to introduce you to a product that’s going to make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. It’s called AmericaGreat and now’s your chance to get in on the ground floor of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

     All you have to do to get this great deal is sign up as a Silver Trump Supporter. For a ridiculously low introductory price of $99, we’ll send you one case of AmericaGreat products and all the literature you’ll need to help convince your friends, neighbors and family members to also sign up.

     For every person you enlist, you'll get a 25% discount on every subsequent purchase of AmericaGreat items, be it our weight loss powder, our get-rich-quick formula, our get-a-great job supplement or our all-purpose ethnic cleanser. And once you’ve signed up at least ten other people, you’ll become a Gold Trump Supporter which allows you to take a percentage of any sales by those you’ve already signed up.

     Once you’ve recruited a hundred folks, you’ll become a Platinum Trump Supporter or what we call one of the Trump Elite. Not only will you get huge discounts on all of our AmericaGreat products. You’ll also get added bonuses like huge tax breaks and lots and lots of regulatory exemptions.

     We’re what’s called a multi-level marketing enterprise or what some call a direct selling business. Some have labeled us a sham or a pyramid scheme but they’re just members of the failing media who traffic in fake news.

     Trust me; we are perfectly legit. The sooner you sign up for AmericaGreat, the sooner you can take advantage of all our fabulous products. And the more money you make, the bigger the tax break you’ll get and, just like me, the richer you’ll become. Who knows? You may even get to enter our inner circle and become a Trump Cabinet Member.

     I’m hearing great things about how my product has changed people’s lives in so many ways. People are saying that AmericaGreat will make you and everyone you know rich, thin, white and super-successful.    

     If you don’t have a job, AmericaGreat will give you a job. If you don’t have any money, it will earn you lots and lots of money. If you need to lose weight, it will even do that. Within months, you’ll be a winner. In fact, you’ll be winning so much that you’ll be tired of winning.

     AmericaGreat is just for Americans; it’s not available to anyone else. That’s why we’ve opted out of various trade deals to ensure that foreigners can’t take advantage of this opportunity. And that’s why we’re building a wall along the Mexican border to keep still others from illegally sneaking in and signing up.

     AmericaGreat is so fantastic that people are going to be joining like crazy. So now is the time to get in on the action. Don’t wait four years and find out that it’s too late and your chance has disappeared.

     You can stick with your humdrum life and never achieve your dreams. You can believe in the fairy tales and Ponzi schemes the Democrats are trying to sell you. Or you can choose to jump on the AmericaGreat bandwagon today and instantly achieve fantastic success like you’ve never seen before.

     Pick up the phone, call 1-800-AMERICA and start succeeding. Remember; we’re AmericaGreat and we’ve been selling Americans a bill of goods for years. 

He Who Must Not Be Named

    I’m not a betting man but here’s one I couldn’t resist: a friend bet me that I couldn’t go a week without mentioning the name of America’s 45^th president. You know; the orange-faced, bizarrely-coiffed current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

     My friend thinks I’m so obsessed with Mr….oops, I almost lost the bet right there and I’m only into the second paragraph of this piece. She thinks that I’m getting so worked up about this fellow that I’m losing perspective and maybe even endangering my health.

     Needless to say, I disagree. As I see it, I’m simply writing careful, evenhanded analyses of the new president. The fact that I’m doing it every day is, in my view, no cause for alarm but simply an indication that I am dedicated to expressing a certain point of view.

     My friend feels that maybe I’m losing perspective and lacking in objectivity when it comes to writing about Tangerine Mussolini. Given the wealth of written material I’m generating, I can see why she might be concerned but I assured her that I can stop at any time.

     Admittedly, this is a bit of a test. Can I even write one single opinion piece without mentioning the subject of the piece by name? I am confident that I can.

     The easiest course of action, of course, would be to simply forget about Cheeto Jesus entirely for the week and not write one word about him. After all, I could still write on a wealth of other topics. But I like to think I’m the kind of guy who can rise to a challenge and continue to pen op-eds about Racist Clementine and still not say, much less write, his name.

     My friend thinks it’s a combination of stubbornness and obsessiveness that motivates me. Maybe she’s right but I prefer to characterize it as a noble pursuit of the truth.

     I feel obliged, nay compelled, to comment on the latest offerings from the Angry Creamsicle. When someone says the media are the enemy of the people, that he won the greatest Electoral College victory since Ronald Reagan and that there was a terrorist attack last night in Sweden all in the space of 48 hours, someone has to say something.

     If the Prevaricating Pumpkin persists in ignoring the truth and running roughshod over everyone from the media to the judiciary, I feel it is my duty to call him out on his unpresidential behavior. To ignore it is to lend legitimacy to his rude and anti-democratic methods.

     The childish, ill-informed approach to governance exhibited by the Toddler With Tiny Hands is not just an international embarrassment, it’s a potential threat to America’s economy and to world peace. If we fail to repeatedly call out the Tweeter-in-Chief on his execrable actions then we are failing to do our duty as citizens.      

     There, I’ve done it. I’ve written an entire column and I didn’t mention Donald Trump’s name even once. Darn! I just mentioned it, didn’t I? And now I’ve lost the bet. Oh well, I guess I can live with wearing an orange wig and a red ball cap for a week with a placard on my back saying “Kick Me: I Love Donald Trump.” 

Getting the Trump Bump

Thanks to Kellyanne Conway’s coinage of the phrase “alternative facts” as her Newspeak version of the word “lies”, George Orwell’s classic dystopian novel 1984 has become an Amazon bestseller. What has yet to be reported is the dramatic rise in sales of other books and movies such as:

The Art of the Deal

Mystified media types are hoping that Mr. Trump’s descriptions of the elements of the deal including “think big”, “fight back” and “have fun” will provide some insight into his superficially illogical actions.

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

For those willing to substitute “America” for “Alice”, the “Orange King” for the “Queen of Hearts” and the “Conway Capper” for the “Mad Hatter”, this book may contain the key to the puzzle that is Donald J. Trump.  

If I Ran the Circus

This Dr. Seuss favorite seems particularly appropriate for today’s White House. Rumor has it that his publisher is also scrambling to reissue another of his works under the modified title: One State Two State Red State Blue State.

Prepper’s Long-Term Suvival Guide: Food, Shelter, Security, Off-the-Grid Power and More Life-Saving Strategies for Self-Sufficient Living

Billed as a plan to prepare one’s home and family for any life-threatening catastrophe, it appears to be the perfect guide for surviving the next four years.

On the Beach

Nevil Shute’s 1957 post-apocalyptic novel may provide a blueprint for those Silicon Valley billionaires-cum-survivalists looking for a safe hideaway in even more remote locations than Australia like New Zealand, Antarctica and Idaho.

The Bible

Of particular interest to modern day readers are the chapters in the Book of Revelations dealing with the sounding of the seven trumpets. Substitute “Trump” for “trumpet” and you may have an explanation of what the heck the President is up to.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

Although the movie Dr. Strangelove probably can’t help viewers explain current events, it will at least provide them with a few laughs on their inexorable doomsday path.  

(Don't forget to check out my latest book "King Donald I" available on Amazon.)

Crybaby Donnie

 

     Now that Donald Trump has actually become the 45^th president of the United States, Democrats, liberals and those with a functioning brain are struggling to figure out a way to deal with the man-child in the White House.

     One option is to fight fire with fire or, in the case of Donald Trump, fight insult with insult. As any skilled schoolyard bully will tell you, the way to decry, demean and defeat someone is to pick on their weakness. And once you’ve found that weakness, tag your opponent with a fitting and memorable nickname.

     Remember the campaign for the Republican nomination? Trump managed to hang a hard-to-forget nickname on his closest opponent who quickly descended to the bottom of the pack.

     First there was “Truly Weird” Rand Paul who lasted about as long as an ice cube in Miami. Then there was early favorite Jeb Bush who, once he was labeled as “Low Energy Jeb”, quickly faded from view.

     Marco Rubio seemed to rise to the challenge until Trump cut him down to size with the sobriquet “Little Marco.” Even Ted Cruz faltered after being called “Lyin’ Ted” in what has to be the most ironic nicknaming event in recent history.

     Once he eliminated his Republican opponents, Trump took on the Democrats with equal success. “Crazy Bernie” Sanders, “Goofy Elizabeth” Warren and “Crooked Hillary” Clinton didn’t stand a chance against America’s most successful name-calling bully.

     Some say that Trump’s opponents should take the high road and that they shouldn’t stoop to his level and engage in such juvenile tactics. But I agree with Robert De Niro who recently said that, in regard to Trump, we have to bully him back.

     That’s why I think it is essential that we find a fitting nickname to hang on this guy. We already have dozens of examples to choose from but none is really troubling to the president.

     For example, “Orange Hitler” is very funny but it likely fazes Mr. Trump not at all. The fact that his complexion is orange-tinged is no biggie and a comparison to Hitler may, if anything, stroke his ego.

     The same holds true for many of the other monikers like “Cheeto Jesus”, “Angry Creamsicle”, “Decomposing jack-o-lantern”, “Racist clementine” and “The pumpkin who would be king.”

     To really hit home, it’s necessary to identify some characteristic of Trump that really bothers him, something that quickly gets under his skin. To that end, might I suggest “Don Trump”? A man whose wealth has been rumored to rely on organized crime connections will surely not take kindly to being compared to a Mafia don.    

     “Toddler Trump” is a worthy candidate. For someone who has a gigantic ego and an overinflated opinion of himself, being compared to a two-year-old would definitely smart.  

     “Tiny Hands Trump” is another effective choice. Marco Rubio already employed this tactic against The Donald as a slight against his manhood but made the mistake of backing off and apologizing. The name obviously bothers Trump and if it were repeatedly employed, I have no doubt that he’d eventually come totally unglued.

      “Lyin’ Don” might work. After all, Trump is the biggest unrepentant liar in American history. He never, ever admits to any of his lies but hearing his new nickname day after day might just push him over the emotional edge.

     For my money, however, the best candidate for achieving an eventual Trump meltdown is “Crybaby Donnie.” There’s nothing the man fears more than being a loser and for a mean playground loser epithet, you can’t beat crybaby. So let’s get Tweeting and before you know it, there may be one less whiner in the White House. 

White House Family Counseling

     First, I’d like to congratulate both parties for agreeing to engage in family counseling. It’s not every couple that recognizes the problems in their union and is willing to take a chance that mediation can save and even strengthen their relationship.

     Thanks to the Mainstream Media for being here. May I call you MSM for short? I know there have been a lot of hurtful slights thrown at you recently so it’s encouraging to see that you have gotten past the name-calling and are willing to look for a solution.

    President Trump, you in particular should be commended for your willingness to set aside at least part of your ego and come to the table. I have to admit that, at first, I was a bit uncomfortable with the preconditions you set for this negotiation but it looks like they have been met.

     Both parties have agreed that there will be no more references to the Electoral College result or the popular vote. You have worked hard on the specific phrasing of the most important requirement and the negotiated wording is as follows: “Everyone agrees that President Trump’s win in November was the most surprising presidential victory in history.” 

     President Trump, may I call you Donald? No? OK, that’s fine. We’ll stick with President Trump or Mr. Trump. No? Alright, President Trump or Mister President it is.

     MSM, I understand that you feel under attack by President Trump because he repeatedly labels you the enemy of the American people. That does seem like fairly harsh wording. Mister President, do you have anything to say about that?

     Well, right there I think you’ve already violated the first item we agreed on, namely references to your historic Electoral College victory and your massive popular vote win if consideration is given to the millions of fraudulent votes.

     Look, I think what I’m hearing here is that the parties’ feelings have been hurt and it’s time to maybe offer an apology or two and get on with the business of governing the country and covering the news. Am I right?

     Thank you, MSM, for acknowledging that and apologizing for maybe overdoing it on the scare tactics. I know how difficult it can be to deal with a partner who has a completely different personality type or disorder and it’s big of you to take the first step in the healing process.

     Now, Mister President, could you perhaps reciprocate and give MSM an “I’m sorry” for some of your over-the-top name-calling? No? OK, if you say so but, in my years of experience as a family counselor, I’ve seldom, if ever, encountered a party who is never ever wrong.

     Here, let’s try a little role reversal and see if that helps. Mr. President, I want you to pretend you’re MSM. How does it make you feel when President Trump accuses you of persistent lying and of being the fake news?

     Hash tag sad? I’m not sure I understand. If you were MSM, you would admit that you are nothing but lying scum and pusillanimous prevaricators? You would feel ashamed for questioning the president and would sooner go out of business than jeopardize the country’s security?

     MSM, I’d appreciate it if you could come back and sit down. I’ve got another suggestion. Let’s just try listing those things we value in our partner and would miss if this relationship should ultimately fail. MSM, you go first.

     The First Amendment, freedom of speech, an independent press, a healthy democracy, checks and balances, representative government. Very good. Now, Mister President, your turn. Sure, take your time. Nothing? Really? Absolutely nothing?

     OK, you have identified one thing. What is it? You’d miss having MSM to kick around and you’d have to come up with a new enemy? I appreciate your candor but that’s not really what I was looking for.

     Look, our time is up for today but if both sides are willing, we can always schedule another session and see where it goes from there. How about Thursday, January 21^st, 2021? Are you both available then?  

Your Notice of Expenditure

     Let’s face it. Most of us gripe about the taxes we pay and how they’re wasted on all manner of frivolous things but few of us do anything about it.

     The reason, of course, is that we see little connection between the individual four or five-figure tax bill we pay and the billions of dollars that get spent on who knows what. There may be lots of waste but it appears rather nebulous.

     Well what if we changed the way government spending is tracked and allotted each personal tax levy to all or part of some very specific expenditure? I suspect we might then be more interested in where our money goes, way more interested. In fact, I’m guessing that such a system might generate so much interest and outrage that almost every tax-paying citizen would become very, very politically involved.

     Don’t believe me? Let’s pretend that such a system is now in place and with your IRS notice of tax paid, you also received a notice of expenditure. A notice of expenditure that let you know exactly where your tax levy was going to be spent. Here are just a few examples of the kind of communication you might receive:

1.    The Government of the United States thanks you for your tax payment of $6,564 and is pleased to inform you that it will be spent on the maintenance and refurbishment of one physical desk and seat in the U. S. Senate chamber.

2.     The IRS wishes to confirm the amount of $8,789 on your tax account. We look forward to receiving the outstanding balance owing. In the meantime, we wanted you to know that your taxes will be used to partially pay for the sound editing on one of the Department of Veterans Affairs’ TV commercials showing what a great job they’re doing.

3.     This note of thanks accompanying your IRS notice comes from me, Joe Back Bencher, the honorable Congressman from Whalebone Bay, Alaska. Your kind (albeit mandatory) tax payment of $15,343 will just about cover three round trip tickets so I can visit the wife and kids and drum up some more donations to help me get reelected so I can continue to do the nation’s business.  

4.     Hi there and thanks again for timely paying your tax bill of $3,397. As the Undersecretary of the Department of Generally Useless Studies and Reports, I thought you might like to know that the entirety of your taxes will be used to review, edit and photocopy our upcoming study: “An enquiry into a possible new public slogan for the Department of Generally Useless Studies and Reports.” If you’d like a copy of the final report, let us know and we’ll add the $19.95 charge onto your tax bill for next year.

5.     Hello. I’m N. Trenched Incumbent, the Representative for Kicking Pig Pass, Montana. You’ve done your part to make America great so I want to let you know what your tax contribution means to us, the members of the House Standing Committee on Alcohol, Tobacco and Medical Marijuana. Your payment of $5,409 will finance the purchase of twelve new chairs so that we can henceforth become the Sitting Committee on Alcohol, Tobacco and Medical Marijuana. Just kidding, of course; we’re using the money to finance a work-study retreat in Colorado.

6.     I’m former Representative Aaron Schock of Illinois and I want to thank you for ponying up your share of our national tax bill to the tune of $734. While I am saddened to see that your taxable income is that low, I want you to know that even your meager payment helped our government be the best government it could be. In my case, you can take personal satisfaction in knowing that, thanks to you, I was able to purchase a humidor and an umbrella stand for the “Downton Abbey” makeover of my former Congressional office.          

Parliamentary Police Report

Ottawa Police Report

At 2:30 P.M. on April 24, 2015, I, Officer Wayne, and Officer Shuster were dispatched to the Centre Block, Parliament Building, Wellington Street, Ottawa in response to a 911 call. The caller identified herself as Canadian Public and reported an incident of domestic abuse.

Once we arrived on the scene, I immediately identified the complainant and interviewed her in a back room. Public was distraught, covered in bruises and apparently in shock. When I questioned her about the alleged attack, all she could reply was “the horror, the horror!”

Office Shuster was able to isolate the alleged perpetrator in a nearby caucus room. The alleged perpetrator would only identify himself as Conservative Party. When questioned about the events of that afternoon and the various bruises seen on Public, Party at first denied any involvement but eventually recanted and admitted that he had hit Public several times but insisted that she deserved it and “had it coming.”

I was eventually able to calm Public and question her at length. She was able to recall the incidents of the afternoon and numerous incidents dating back as many as ten years. Public alleged that Party had repeatedly taken advantage of her and assaulted her both physically and verbally. Public related how Party often attacked her, telling her that it was for her own good. According to Public, after the attacks, Party would often be remorseful and would express his love for Public and assure her that it would never happen again.

Officer Shuster further questioned Mr. Party in the caucus room. Party insisted that he loved Public and never intended to do her any harm. He insisted that the injuries apparent on Public’s person such as a number of healthcare cuts and funding slashes were not intentional. Party stated that Public didn’t know what was good for her and that he, Party, had to take drastic steps to correct the domestic situation.

I continued to question Ms. Public about past incidents. She indicated that in the beginning, back before 2006, Party was an attentive suitor and promised Public all manner of gifts if she would let him take over the house. However, once he did so in 2006, Public said that he began to act differently. Although he cut the GST for her on two occasions, he reserved his biggest and best tax cuts for his corporate love interests.

Officer Shuster was able to elicit further information from Conservative Party. Mr. Party admitted that he never really loved Canadian Public and was only using her to gain a stronger position in the house. Once he had majority control, Party showed outright contempt for Public and bragged about continuing with the cuts and abuses.

At the end of the interviews, Officer Shuster and I escorted Canadian Public from the property since we were concerned for her safety. We could do little about Party since he controlled the house. He was becoming further agitated and launched a verbal attack against Officer Shuster and me shouting that he would “make life miserable for us” and “cut police funding to the bone if that’s what it takes.”

We provided Public with a victim’s booklet outlining her options and a voter registration card and informed her that we could not do much to help her but that she would have a chance to expel Mr. Party from the premises no later than October 19^th. Sadly, victims in such circumstances often return to the abuser and surprisingly give them a second, third and even fourth chance and allow them to continue their abusive behavior.

The Parable of the Political Son

    Most of us are familiar with the Parable of the Prodigal Son. It tells the story of the younger son who squanders his inheritance only to be sumptuously welcomed back by his father to the dismay of his obedient and responsible elder son.

     Few of us, however, have read the Parable of the Political Son that reportedly appears in the apocryphal volume the Book of Bush:

     “There was a man who had two sons. The older one wasted his youth on wine, women and song and disappointed his father greatly. The younger son, however, was conscientious in all respects and did everything to make his father proud.

     “One day, the younger son asked for his father’s blessing to seek the Oval Office, the highest honor in the land. The father had once briefly achieved that honor himself and sorely wished it for his younger son.

     “So it came to pass that the father gave his blessing to the younger son to seek the Oval Office. His mother, too, wished for nothing else.

     “This angered the older son who, despite his profligate ways, felt that he was entitled to first receive his father’s blessing. The older son then left for the state of Texas where he governed adequately if not wisely and was able to secure the assistance of his father’s former advisors in his quest for the ultimate prize.

     “Much to the father’s surprise and the younger brother’s disappointment, the older brother reached the Oval Office not once but twice despite a disastrous reign. His father and brother were reluctantly forced to accept and celebrate the older brother’s achievement.

     “For eight long years, no one from the family sought the Oval Office although the father was old and dearly wished that his younger son could achieve it while he was still alive. So the younger brother announced that he was seeking the ultimate honor.

     “The father urged the younger son to pursue the Oval Office saying ‘I always dreamed that you and not your brother would achieve that fame and now it is your turn.’

     “‘But father,’ said the younger one. ‘How can I win when I must face what my older brother has done? He caused a lengthy war and debt and destruction and the people of the land will lay the blame for that at my feet.’

     “‘I know that does not seem fair,’ said the father. ‘But you are the smart one, the brave one, the rational one. I have great faith in you.

     “So it came to pass that the father and his advisors urged the younger son to run but to avoid any mention of his family name in order to distance himself from the shameful record of his older brother.

     “All seemed to proceed with good fortune and the younger brother appeared to have the Oval Office in his grasp. Even the entry of the new challenger from the tribe of Clinton did not appear to be an insurmountable obstacle.

     “But then it came to pass that one called Trump appeared on the scene and brazenly stole the limelight from the younger brother.

     “The younger brother returned home and rent his clothing before his father and cried and declaimed that he had been unfairly deprived of his birthright.

     “The father chastised him and reminded him that he was given a chance but could not succeed. ‘Do not blame your older brother. Although he was lucky, reckless and foolish, he succeeded where you did not. The fault, my son, is yours. You must remember the lesson to be learned: It is almost impossible to succeed a two-term son of a bush.’”

Stephen Harper: He's the Best

      “Stephen Harper says Tories are best bet amid plunging markets.”

            -        Newspaper headline  – August 24, 2015                

       While answering reporters’ questions on the campaign trail on a day when North American stock markets plummeted, Prime Minister Harper explained that his Conservative government was best positioned to deal with the problem.

     Barely reliable sources revealed that Mr. Harper followed up his statement with some off-the-record comments.

     “Who better than us to deal with a fragile economy and volatile stock markets,” said Harper. “After all, this is our second recession and we have, by far, more experience than any other party in guiding Canada into and through recessionary times.”

     The prime minister also touted his party’s ability to deal with political scandals.

     “Who do you want handling screw-ups like the Duffy Affair,” asked Harper. “Mr. Trudeau or Mr. Mulcair who have no experience with such matters or a government that has weathered everything from robocalls to F-35 fighter jet cost overruns to the Canadian Food Inspection Agency scandal?”

     “And when it comes to Senate scandals,” said Mr. Harper. “The Duffy Affair is just one of many blunders on our watch. Don’t forget; we’ve also handled the Pamela Wallin fiasco as well as the Patrick Brazeau mess. Neither Mr. Mulcair nor Mr. Trudeau can claim that.”

     “And when it comes to the federal budget,” the prime minister continued. “Who better to lead Canada into the red than the Conservative Party? When we first took office, we managed to convert a $13.8 billion surplus into a $5.8 billion deficit in only two years and we’ve continued to create deficits on a consistent and ongoing basis ever since.”

     As for the energy sector, Mr. Harper again urged Canadian voters to stay the course and stick with a party with a proven track record.

     “Since we took power,” said Harper. “We are more committed to oil than ever and neither the NDP nor the Liberals can say that. Unlike those other parties, we’ll never let silly things like climate change get in the way of producing as much oil in as many places as we can.” 

     According to Mr. Harper, his party is best placed to deal with just about anything that comes up. “Whether it’s building fake lakes for G8 summits, eliminating the long-form census, muzzling government scientists or packing the Supreme Court with unvetted ideologues,” said Harper. “We’ve got the other parties beat hands down.”

PMO Job Posting

   Considering all the revelations coming from the Mike Duffy trial, it’s perhaps not surprising that the following discarded draft job posting was recently recovered from a trash bin on or near Parliament Hill:

PRIME MINISTER’S OFFICE

Employment Opportunity

Chief of Staff position

The incumbent will work as the head of a PMO team dedicated to serving the needs of the current prime minister. He will be in charge of the day-to-day operations of the Office of the Prime Minister and, in particular, will be responsible for the limitation and ultimate eradication of any potential problems including but not limited to spending scandals, voting scandals and Senate scandals. The incumbent will report directly to the prime minister except in those cases where it may be preferable that the prime minister not be made aware of what the heck is going on.

Qualifications

The successful candidate will ideally possess a legal background. Knowledge of the Canadian legal system and court structure will be very helpful, particularly knowledge of any relevant circumventions, workarounds or bypasses.

Possession of a five-figure chequing account, while not essential, would be a valuable asset in the event that the incumbent is required to personally cover any unforeseen politically uncomfortable third-party expense claims.

The applicant should possess basic computer skills including the ability to send, receive and, in some instances, read internal e-mails.

Relevant experience

Previous experience in the fields of small fire extinguishment, minor scandal cover-up and own-sword-falling-on will be most helpful.

Desirable skills include deniability, obfuscation, lip tightening and buck passing.

Language requirement

Although the position is nominally rated as bilingual, English is essential and French language ability, while useful, is not mandatory. However, the applicant must be fully fluent in bureaucratese, truthiness and Newspeak.

Job classification and salary

This is a term position ending on Monday, October 19^th with an outside chance of at least a short renewal. At this point, you can pretty much name your own salary.

References

It would be nice if you have some but, at this late stage, it’s not really that big a deal.

Preference

Preference will be given to members in good standing of the Conservative Party of Canada or any right wing think tank.

Legal requirement

The PMO is an equal opportunity employer ostensibly dedicated to inclusion and diversity although our usual preference is to hire white, male lawyers. The PMO has no bias against women (except perhaps Pamela Wallin) or aboriginal Canadians (except perhaps Patrick Brazeau) or non-lawyers (except perhaps Mike Duffy); it’s just that we’re a primarily white male organization and would like to keep it that way.

Application deadline

Yesterday if not sooner.  

How to Run for Prime Minister

     Have you always wanted to run for prime minister but were afraid to try? Would you like to be addressed as The Right Honourable but don’t know where to start?  Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have the most powerful non-banking position in the country?

     Well wonder no more because now there’s K-tel’s new audio course “How to run for prime minister.” It’s a four-CD program that will help guide even the rawest of political rookies onto the federal campaign trail and possibly all the way to 24 Sussex Drive.

     The first CD will help you remake yourself so you’ll look and feel prime ministerial. Our sartorial experts will school you on how to dress for political success. Whether it’s a Brooks Brothers suit for a TV debate or a down-home jeans and plaid shirt outfit for an Alberta rodeo, you’ll always have that chief executive look.

     And that’s not all. Our crack team of linguistic specialists will teach you how to dumb it down to sound just like “regular folk.” You’ll learn all manner of regional dialects and expressions that will make you the ideal drinking companion of average voters anywhere in Canada. From “how’s it going b’y?” to “beauty, eh?” to “screw those liberal bastards”, you’ll learn all the regional phrases that will have your audiences shaking their heads in agreement.

     CD number two contains everything you need to know about policy, both domestic and foreign. Don’t know much about domestic issues and how government works? Not to worry. CD #2 is chock full of valuable lessons about the different departments of government and even tells you how a bill becomes law.

     And that’s not all. We’ve got really smart people on our team who can tell you all you need to know about foreign policy. Things like where Uzbekistan is, what’s the capital of North Korea and who’s the chancellor of Germany. Plus we can provide you with suggested positions on everything from international terrorism to which new fighter jet we probably shouldn’t buy.

      The third CD is all about name recognition: how you get known and stay known. We’ll teach you the tricks of the trade like taking an outrageous stance on one of the “control” issues be it gun, crime or birth. We’ll also show you how to use such time-tested techniques as the straw man argument, ad hominem attacks and the big lie.  

     The fourth and most important CD is all about the money. As you can imagine, running for prime minister is an expensive proposition. We’ll show you how to take advantage of private contributions, tax credits, per-vote subsidies and other mostly legal methods to get the millions of dollars you’ll need to create and broadcast all manner of attack ads aimed at your opponents.

     If you act right now, we’ll even include a pamphlet with the most important fundraising information you’ll ever need. It includes the names and addresses of Canada’s top corporations and unions who are just waiting to offer you funds for your campaign in return for nothing more than a friendly word from you.  

     So don’t wait to take the plunge. If you want to win on October 19^th, you’ve got to start campaigning now. Phone our toll free number 1-800-PMTODAY and have your credit card ready. For three easy payments of $99, you’ll be well on your way to achieving your electoral dream. And for the first 100 callers, we’ll even throw in a fifth CD with our favorite campaign blunders. From Joe Clark’s inability to add to John Turner’s “I had no option” to Stockwell Day’s wetsuit-wearing, Jet Ski-riding press conference to Kim Campbell’s “an election is no time to discuss serious issues”, you’ll know just what to avoid saying or doing on your way to 24 Sussex Drive. 

Hillary-for-POTUS@hotmail.com

Hillary Clinton’s e-mail scandal seems to be heating up again. With the transfer of her work-related messages to the State Department, she claimed to have met the spirit of the law.

As for the remaining e-mails, Mrs. Clinton classified them as personal and apparently deleted them. Critics claim that some of those messages should also have been retained for the historical record. The following brief selection from her deleted e-mails folder lets you be the judge:

March 15, 2009

TO:        All my peeps

FROM:  Hillary Rodham Clinton

Just a quick note to all my supporters about proper e-mail etiquette. I should be addressed as Madam Secretary, not as Madam President….at least for now. LOL

June 29, 2010

TO:        Bill

FROM:  Hillary

When it comes to my 2016 run, I don’t expect a lot. A ringing endorsement would be nice and don’t praise any other candidates. At the very least, I expect you to abide by the prime directive: Keep it in your pants.

October 10, 2011

TO:        Arturo’s Haute Couture Design

FROM:  The Secretary of State

Thanks but no thanks for the drawings with suggested new outfits for me. As usual, I want seven different colored pantsuits, one for each day of the week. And make them drip dry with easy care fabrics. I anticipate a lot of traveling over the next two years and even more after that.

January 12, 2012

TO:        Acme Novelties

FROM:  Secretary Clinton

I am returning your invoice and the 10,000 campaign buttons you screwed up. The order explicitly specified “Vote for Hillary in 2016”, not “Vote for the Hill-Billy team.”

July 5, 2012

TO:        The Office of Bill Clinton

FROM:  The Secretary of State

I’m going to ask you guys one last time; get the Big Dog to stop bugging me about being on the ticket in 2016. I know that the Constitution doesn’t prohibit it but if I get one more e-mail or text from Bill signed “Your future VP”, heads are going to roll!

September 22, 2012

TO:        My exploratory campaign team

FROM:  Hillary

Officially, I haven’t declared my candidacy for 2016 but, of course, it’s full steam ahead. However, what I want you to start organizing today is my 2020 campaign. It’s never too early to start planning for the future. Remember, don’t stop thinking about tomorrow.  J

October 2, 2012

TO:        Elizabeth Warren

FROM:  Hillary Clinton

It was nice to see you again at yesterday’s function. I trust I can count on your support if I should decide to run in 2016. Likewise, I’ll be glad to throw some love your way in 2024. But as for now, it’s my turn, bitch. Understand?

January 2, 2013

TO:        Jeb Bush

FROM:  H. R. Clinton

Glad to see you’re continuing to release your private e-mails even if it has been six years since you were governor. Just a word of advice: think carefully about running for President. My husband trounced your dad and if that clown Al Gore had run on Bill’s record, your brother would still be operating a baseball team in Texas. You can run if you want but I’ll crush you like a grape.

January 29, 2013

TO:        All my staff

FROM:  HRC

Thanks again for preparing my valedictory speech and particularly the kind words about Obama. Although we all know that I should have been President, it was the right thing to do. At least the jerk can’t run again.

Canada Post: We Deliver

As Canada Post continues to eliminate home delivery service by erecting even more community mailboxes, it’s unclear what its business will look like in the near future. Perhaps this recently leaked internal corporate memo will help answer that question.

MEMO

TO:       Big Shot Executive

FROM: Aspiring Big Shot Executive

     The latest transition from home delivery to community mailboxes is going fairly smoothly. Despite some local objections, we’ve managed to install lots of new mailboxes and by the end of next year we should have pretty much eliminated home delivery from coast to coast to coast.

     Needless to say, the savings from this initiative are huge and, when coupled with our regular increases in the cost of stamps, the bottom line is looking pretty sweet. Even if letter mail declines by 25% over the next couple of years, our profits should increase by double that.

     As discussed, the long term plan is still a little hazy. Hopefully, letter mail will level out over the next few years, at which point we can initiate our “Market Mail” plan. As you’ll recall, Market Mail is our focus-tested phrase to cover the privatization of letter mail.

     Once we’ve established a steady, reliable baseline volume of letter mail, we’ll put various routes out to tender to the private sector. Our studies show that there are numerous companies ready, willing and able to pay top dollar for exclusive delivery rights in every major Canadian center.

     Even the routes in mid-size cities should fetch attractive bids. We’re even hoping to make a few bucks on the selloffs of routes in smaller centers. As for remote rural routes, we may have to eat the bills on them for awhile although continued stamp price increases should make even those routes attractive.

     As for package delivery and courier services, it’s pretty clear that our private sector competitors can handle such things just as well, if not better, than us. That means all we need to do is get a bit of legislation passed and we’re in a great position to auction off those services to the highest bidders.

     The question then becomes what will our core business be? At some point, stamp selling will be totally handled by franchisees. That, of course, is another lucrative profit center.

     We’ve brainstormed this matter over the last few weeks and I think you’ll find we’ve come up with a very attractive option. By the next decade, we anticipate that Canada Post will have considerable cash reserves due to selloffs of our core businesses. Of course, we’ll also a large number of post offices and lots and lots of delivery vehicles.

     We propose using some of our windfall profits to convert our postal outlets to coffee shops. Given that we already have hundreds of outlets in great locations, we’re in an ideal position to immediately establish a coast to coast chain.

     Some are going to criticize this plan as a loser given that we will be competing with already well-established chains like Starbucks and Tim Hortons. What they don’t understand, however, is that we will have little in the way of overhead since we already own the outlets.

     Plus we’ll have billions in realized profits to pour into the upgrade of those outlets and a nationwide marketing campaign. And the final kicker is that we can use our extensive fleet of trucks to provide door to door “coffee and crullers” delivery service almost anywhere in Canada.

     If this plan rolls out as we envision it, Canada Post should soon become the nation’s premier coffee and donut chain with a home delivery service second to none. Our new ironic motto? That’s right: “We Deliver!”