As Canada Post continues to eliminate home delivery service by erecting even more community mailboxes, it’s unclear what its business will look like in the near future. Perhaps this recently leaked internal corporate memo will help answer that question.
TO: Big Shot Executive
FROM: Aspiring Big Shot Executive
The latest transition from home delivery to community mailboxes is going fairly smoothly. Despite some local objections, we’ve managed to install lots of new mailboxes and by the end of next year we should have pretty much eliminated home delivery from coast to coast to coast.
Needless to say, the savings from this initiative are huge and, when coupled with our regular increases in the cost of stamps, the bottom line is looking pretty sweet. Even if letter mail declines by 25% over the next couple of years, our profits should increase by double that.
As discussed, the long term plan is still a little hazy. Hopefully, letter mail will level out over the next few years, at which point we can initiate our “Market Mail” plan. As you’ll recall, Market Mail is our focus-tested phrase to cover the privatization of letter mail.
Once we’ve established a steady, reliable baseline volume of letter mail, we’ll put various routes out to tender to the private sector. Our studies show that there are numerous companies ready, willing and able to pay top dollar for exclusive delivery rights in every major Canadian center.
Even the routes in mid-size cities should fetch attractive bids. We’re even hoping to make a few bucks on the selloffs of routes in smaller centers. As for remote rural routes, we may have to eat the bills on them for awhile although continued stamp price increases should make even those routes attractive.
As for package delivery and courier services, it’s pretty clear that our private sector competitors can handle such things just as well, if not better, than us. That means all we need to do is get a bit of legislation passed and we’re in a great position to auction off those services to the highest bidders.
The question then becomes what will our core business be? At some point, stamp selling will be totally handled by franchisees. That, of course, is another lucrative profit center.
We’ve brainstormed this matter over the last few weeks and I think you’ll find we’ve come up with a very attractive option. By the next decade, we anticipate that Canada Post will have considerable cash reserves due to selloffs of our core businesses. Of course, we’ll also a large number of post offices and lots and lots of delivery vehicles.
We propose using some of our windfall profits to convert our postal outlets to coffee shops. Given that we already have hundreds of outlets in great locations, we’re in an ideal position to immediately establish a coast to coast chain.
Some are going to criticize this plan as a loser given that we will be competing with already well-established chains like Starbucks and Tim Hortons. What they don’t understand, however, is that we will have little in the way of overhead since we already own the outlets.
Plus we’ll have billions in realized profits to pour into the upgrade of those outlets and a nationwide marketing campaign. And the final kicker is that we can use our extensive fleet of trucks to provide door to door “coffee and crullers” delivery service almost anywhere in Canada.
If this plan rolls out as we envision it, Canada Post should soon become the nation’s premier coffee and donut chain with a home delivery service second to none. Our new ironic motto? That’s right: “We Deliver!”