Stephen Harper: He's the Best

      “Stephen Harper says Tories are best bet amid plunging markets.”

            -        Newspaper headline  – August 24, 2015                

       While answering reporters’ questions on the campaign trail on a day when North American stock markets plummeted, Prime Minister Harper explained that his Conservative government was best positioned to deal with the problem.

     Barely reliable sources revealed that Mr. Harper followed up his statement with some off-the-record comments.

     “Who better than us to deal with a fragile economy and volatile stock markets,” said Harper. “After all, this is our second recession and we have, by far, more experience than any other party in guiding Canada into and through recessionary times.”

     The prime minister also touted his party’s ability to deal with political scandals.

     “Who do you want handling screw-ups like the Duffy Affair,” asked Harper. “Mr. Trudeau or Mr. Mulcair who have no experience with such matters or a government that has weathered everything from robocalls to F-35 fighter jet cost overruns to the Canadian Food Inspection Agency scandal?”

     “And when it comes to Senate scandals,” said Mr. Harper. “The Duffy Affair is just one of many blunders on our watch. Don’t forget; we’ve also handled the Pamela Wallin fiasco as well as the Patrick Brazeau mess. Neither Mr. Mulcair nor Mr. Trudeau can claim that.”

     “And when it comes to the federal budget,” the prime minister continued. “Who better to lead Canada into the red than the Conservative Party? When we first took office, we managed to convert a $13.8 billion surplus into a $5.8 billion deficit in only two years and we’ve continued to create deficits on a consistent and ongoing basis ever since.”

     As for the energy sector, Mr. Harper again urged Canadian voters to stay the course and stick with a party with a proven track record.

     “Since we took power,” said Harper. “We are more committed to oil than ever and neither the NDP nor the Liberals can say that. Unlike those other parties, we’ll never let silly things like climate change get in the way of producing as much oil in as many places as we can.” 

     According to Mr. Harper, his party is best placed to deal with just about anything that comes up. “Whether it’s building fake lakes for G8 summits, eliminating the long-form census, muzzling government scientists or packing the Supreme Court with unvetted ideologues,” said Harper. “We’ve got the other parties beat hands down.”