Sunday, September 06, 2015

How to Run for Prime Minister

     Have you always wanted to run for prime minister but were afraid to try? Would you like to be addressed as The Right Honourable but don’t know where to start?  Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have the most powerful non-banking position in the country?
     Well wonder no more because now there’s K-tel’s new audio course “How to run for prime minister.” It’s a four-CD program that will help guide even the rawest of political rookies onto the federal campaign trail and possibly all the way to 24 Sussex Drive.
     The first CD will help you remake yourself so you’ll look and feel prime ministerial. Our sartorial experts will school you on how to dress for political success. Whether it’s a Brooks Brothers suit for a TV debate or a down-home jeans and plaid shirt outfit for an Alberta rodeo, you’ll always have that chief executive look.
     And that’s not all. Our crack team of linguistic specialists will teach you how to dumb it down to sound just like “regular folk.” You’ll learn all manner of regional dialects and expressions that will make you the ideal drinking companion of average voters anywhere in Canada. From “how’s it going b’y?” to “beauty, eh?” to “screw those liberal bastards”, you’ll learn all the regional phrases that will have your audiences shaking their heads in agreement.
     CD number two contains everything you need to know about policy, both domestic and foreign. Don’t know much about domestic issues and how government works? Not to worry. CD #2 is chock full of valuable lessons about the different departments of government and even tells you how a bill becomes law.
     And that’s not all. We’ve got really smart people on our team who can tell you all you need to know about foreign policy. Things like where Uzbekistan is, what’s the capital of North Korea and who’s the chancellor of Germany. Plus we can provide you with suggested positions on everything from international terrorism to which new fighter jet we probably shouldn’t buy.
      The third CD is all about name recognition: how you get known and stay known. We’ll teach you the tricks of the trade like taking an outrageous stance on one of the “control” issues be it gun, crime or birth. We’ll also show you how to use such time-tested techniques as the straw man argument, ad hominem attacks and the big lie.  
     The fourth and most important CD is all about the money. As you can imagine, running for prime minister is an expensive proposition. We’ll show you how to take advantage of private contributions, tax credits, per-vote subsidies and other mostly legal methods to get the millions of dollars you’ll need to create and broadcast all manner of attack ads aimed at your opponents.
     If you act right now, we’ll even include a pamphlet with the most important fundraising information you’ll ever need. It includes the names and addresses of Canada’s top corporations and unions who are just waiting to offer you funds for your campaign in return for nothing more than a friendly word from you.  
     So don’t wait to take the plunge. If you want to win on October 19th, you’ve got to start campaigning now. Phone our toll free number 1-800-PMTODAY and have your credit card ready. For three easy payments of $99, you’ll be well on your way to achieving your electoral dream. And for the first 100 callers, we’ll even throw in a fifth CD with our favorite campaign blunders. From Joe Clark’s inability to add to John Turner’s “I had no option” to Stockwell Day’s wetsuit-wearing, Jet Ski-riding press conference to Kim Campbell’s “an election is no time to discuss serious issues”, you’ll know just what to avoid saying or doing on your way to 24 Sussex Drive. 

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