The Care And Feeding Of Your New President

     Congratulations on acquiring your new president. Although you may not have initially wanted a new president or even voted for one, you and your family will likely grow to love him over time.

    First things first - your new president must be housebroken. And that means imposing discipline right from the start. If he insists on making a mess in different sectors, be sure to put him on a short leash and restrict his access to discretionary resources. 

     Failure to take these crucial first steps may give him the message that he can unilaterally “do his business” anywhere and anytime he likes. Some owners have found newspapers to be useful aids in housebreaking their chief executive although there are presidents who simply refuse to be “paper trained.”

     Once your president is housebroken, ensure that he maintains a healthy policy diet. Most presidents will readily take to books, newspapers and in-depth briefings. A few, however, will digest only what they want. In such a case, try restricting your president’s cable news network viewing and he will likely start opting for healthier choices. If not, check to see if he is being negatively influenced by his neighborhood playmates.

     When it comes to playmates, it is essential that they be good role models for your president. For example, if his colleagues are prone to fabrication, deception and exaggeration, he will likely ape those traits. Or even worse, if your president is not one of the brighter breeds, he may believe everything his playmates tell him. This is particularly common where the playmates are older generals or executives who have picked up bad habits from playing without adequate supervision.

     One crucial element in president training is to get him to follow a set direction and obey simple commands. Some presidents are often very frisky and jump from one position to another. Don’t inhibit that playfulness but be firm in insisting that he eventually stick to one path. If he continues to wander, try using a light Congressional or judicial restraint.

     If you have achieved success with the basics, you may want to try teaching your new president some tricks. By using simple commands and small rewards, you should be able to get him to sit up, speak coherently and even balance budgets. But don’t force the issue. Some presidents are not readily trainable and excessive pressure may just yield negative results.

     The training of older presidents can be particularly difficult. Unfortunately, there is more than a kernel of truth in the old adage: “You can’t teach an old president new tricks.” If that turns out to be the case, do your best to avoid further problems by distracting your president with his favorite activities be they golf, campaign rallies, tweeting or signing executive orders.

     It is crucial that you ensure that your president is healthy. It is not enough simply to have his doctor vouch for his extraordinary health. He should have routine checkups and get regularly vaccinated against common diseases such as tetanus, hubris and narcissism. Depending on his behavior pattern, you may want to consider having him neutered.

     Good luck with your new president. Remember; a little patience and a bit of work in the beginning will save you lots of trouble down the road. But even if all your efforts ultimately fail, there’s no reason you can’t eventually get a new president some day. A standard rule of thumb is to wait about four years.