Thursday, May 25, 2017

Dear Donald

                   15 Old House Lane
                                                                          Chappaqua, New York


Dear Donald:
     Long time, no see. It’s been quite awhile since we last met onstage at our final debate. I hope things are going well.
     Look; who am I kidding? I can see things aren’t going well for you and, despite our past differences, I’d like to help.
     First, I’d like to sincerely thank you for not pursuing charges against me once you assumed office. It’s bad enough that I have to live in this New York backwater but it sure beats spending time in Sing Sing, right? J
   Anyway, it’s clear you’re in a bit of hot water and are headed for possible impeachment. I’m sure that’s not what you had in mind when you became president and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone (except maybe Bill when I first heard about that Lewinsky broad but that’s another story).
     I’m going to go out on a limb here and speculate but I don’t think you even want to be president. I think you were even more surprised than me that you won in November and now you’re stuck doing a job that you hate and you don’t see any easy way out.
     I know you can’t resign; that would be too big a blow to the ego to absorb. But I have a couple of what Kellyanne might call “alternative” plans that you might like.
     Just spitballing here but what do you think about conceding to me? Hold on a second; give it some thought.
   Just say that you had your folks look into the election and they discovered that there were no irregularities and that I did, in fact, win the popular vote by almost three million votes.
    All you have to do then is say that the only fair thing to do is to withdraw my concession back in November and concede yourself. As you’ve always contended, the Electoral College is unfair and the winner should be the one who got the most votes.
     You concede, I accept and you’re out of the White House and back in New York doing whatever it is that you do. The important thing is that you won’t have to be stuck doing all that boring stuff like reading, writing and governing. Plus, you’ll look magnanimous and probably go down in history as one of the greatest presidents ever.
     The problem is, of course, that if you adopt this approach, then Mike Pence is going to get his shorts in a knot and complain that he should become president. Not to worry; just tell Bible Boy that this is an extra-Constitutional proceeding and he can go back to Indiana or Kentucky or whatever deplorable place he came from.
     Now if this plan doesn’t suit you, I’ve got another one. Remember that guy Tony Schwartz who basically wrote your book The Art of the Deal? Well, he’s what we call a ghostwriter.
     What I’d like to suggest is that you make me your ghost-president. You’d still get to be president and do all those important things like welcome visiting dignitaries, sign things and promote your businesses.
     What you wouldn’t have to do is read briefing notes, attend cabinet meetings or learn any of that government nonsense. That’s where I’d come in.
     I know all that boring bureaucratic stuff and, if the truth be known, I love it. Call me a policy wonk but nothing turns me on like debating issues, discussing briefing books and drafting legislation.
     You remain president and I do the dirty work. It’s a win-win arrangement and, if I do say so myself, a great deal for both of us.
     So, think it over Donald and let me know what you decide but don’t wait too long. Trust me; that impeachment stuff can sneak up on you like a hog in a holler as Bill used to say.

Yours truly,

* I assume you know what this means. It’s kind of like “top secret” or “classified.”

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