Monday, May 01, 2017

Hillary Clinton: The First Hundred Days

January 20
     Watch TV as Donald Trump sworn in. Throw red pantsuit and “I’m With Her” t-shirt at set every time he says “winning” or “make America great again.” Phone rings but I don’t answer. Call display shows it’s Al Gore probably wanting to commiserate again. No way I’m joining that loser in Loserville.
January 26
     Channel all energies into tracking down those who leaked my e-mails. Phone James Comey and Julian Assange for advice but neither returns my calls.  
January 31
     Bill issues ultimatum: either I stop moping around the house in bathrobe and yellow pantsuit or he’ll cut off my weekly allowance. His words hit me like a cold splash of water. Stop watching C-SPAN in hopes of finding ongoing election recounts. Briefly leave house to avoid Bill repeatedly saying “I told you so.”
February 2
     Groundhog Day. If I see my own shadow, there’ll be six more years of Republican rule. If I don’t, there’ll be eight. Back to bed. What’s the point?
February 9
     Concerned about Trump’s reform proposals, I visit local Social Security office and enquire about filing application for extended benefits. Informed that new income limits disqualify me for anything and reminded that I am still technically employed by the Clinton Foundation. Vow to attend at least one board meeting in coming year if Bill and Chelsea agree to return my copy of the boardroom key.
February 15
     Out of desperation, finally decide to answer Al Gore’s call. Instantly regret decision. Al rambles on suggesting I grow a beard, put on weight and start stumping for climate change. Finally cut him off by telling him it’s Wednesday night and I have to wash my hair.
February 16
     Try again to phone James Comey and Julian Assange for advice on my e-mail troubles. Still won’t take my calls. Even Barack Obama won’t answer now.
February 28
     Bill informs me of overdue Netflix bill. Suggests I pay outstanding balance and cancel the service to free up some spare time. Tell him I’ll do that just as soon as I get through the movies on my saved list including “The Best Man”, “The Manchurian Candidate” and “Death of a President.”
March 10
     Bored silly. To pass time, make prank calls to Vladimir Putin and ask if he’s got Czar Nicholas in a can. When he replies curtly “Who is this?”, I tell him he better let him out and quickly hang up. Consider calling back and asking for a Seymour Butz.
April 1
     Front page of my morning New York Times features article reporting Supreme Court may be looking at issue of potential voter fraud in Wisconsin, Florida and Pennsylvania in last election. Reporter’s speculation about possible Clinton victory gets me re-energized. When I excitedly relay news to Bill, he announces “April Fool” and informs me that he printed mock front page from the web site. We both share a laugh and I retire to my room for a quiet cry.
April 15
     File tax returns for Bill and me. Reconsider opposition to Trump tax cuts when I see all the money we get back. Maybe Bill’s wrong and he’s not the devil incarnate.
April 20
     Consider issuing press release captioned TOLD YOU SO with back of page headed I’LL BE BACK IN 2020. Bill discovers draft version and passes it through paper shredder. Vow to get him back by anonymously leaking Clinton Foundation financial statements to James Comey.
April 30
     Al Gore stops calling. 

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