The Fire Comey Letter - Draft Version

     By now, everyone’s seen the dismissal letter that President Trump sent to James Comey, the former Director of the FBI. What most folks haven’t seen yet, however, is the following earlier draft version:

THE WHITE HOUSE
Washington

May 9, 2017 January 21, 2017 (rethink this since it will be hard to backdate that far)

Dear Jim (Sean’s right; this is too informal) James (better but still a bit too chummy) Director Comey,

I have drafted, forwarded and in turn received the attached letters which are fantastic letters (Kellyanne says don’t go there and I guess she’s right although these are fantastic letters if I do say so myself) from the Attorney General (Reince says to keep Jeff out of this since he has recused himself from anything to do with the Russia investigation but I’d like to keep him involved just in case I need someone else to take the fall) and Deputy Attorney General of the United States (Steve says I should at least keep this in just in case although I don’t remember the guy’s name) recommending your sanctioning suspension dismissal (go hard or go home) as the Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, I have accepted my their (oops, my bad; I almost forgot the ploy) recommendation and you are hereby terminated and will have 48 hours to remove yourself from your office and removed from office, effective immediately. (OK, got it; we’ve gotta bury the bodies now)

While I greatly appreciate you informing me, on one two three four (OK, agreed, four is overkill) separate occasions, that I am in no way involved in any bad stuff with the Russians or any cover-up or anything that would make me not President anymore am not under investigation, I nevertheless concur with the judgment of the Department of Justice and Hillary Clinton (thanks for spotting this one, Ivanka) that you are not able to effectively lead the Bureau.

It is essential that we find new leadership someone friendly, loyal and obedient (when you’re right, you’re right Jared; sounds too much like we’re looking for a new pet dog for the White House) for the FBI that (shouldn’t this be ‘who’; never mind, grammar’s not my strong suit) does what he’s told and keeps his nose out of the President’s business restores public trust and confidence in its vital law enforcement mission. (great wording, Steve; you’re the best)

Despite everything, I want to thank you for reopening Hillary’s e-mail case and helping me win the presidency. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. Maybe we could do lunch at Mar-a-Lago sometime and I could show you my appreciation. (you’re right, Reince; KISS: keep it simple, stupid.)

Donald J. Trump