MEMORANDUM
TO: U. S. President
Donald J. Trump
FROM: Mother Nature
First, let me
congratulate you on your huge election victory and your ascendancy to the
second most powerful position in the world. To be honest, I didn’t think you
had an iceberg’s chance in Florida of pulling it off but you did and I want to
acknowledge your achievement.
I held off writing to you
because I figured every new president should be given a chance to do the right
thing. I hoped that once you were in office, you would realize the gravity of
our planet’s precarious situation and back off from some of your election
promises. Sad to say, it looks like you have not.
Despite your enormous
victory, I get the sense that you were almost as surprised as me that you won
and perhaps weren’t fully prepared for the ensuing responsibilities. As you
recently said about health care reform: “Nobody knew that health care could be
so difficult.” Well, the same applies to climate change and the environment.
Now I know that you are
not a believer in climate change but I’m here to tell you that it is real, very
real. Maybe you haven’t noticed any effects while residing in the White House
or Trump Tower or while golfing on one of your many courses but that doesn’t
mean it isn’t happening.
I’m getting complaints
every day from my constituency in the Arctic region. Polar bears, in
particular, are telling me that premature breakups are leaving them stranded on
ice floes. And my penguin pals inform me that icebergs are calving like crazy
in Antarctica.
I’ve heard that your
policy positions are often based on the last thing you’ve read or seen on TV or
that somebody has told you. In that case, here’s hoping this memo is the latest
thing to reach your desk and that you actually read it. Maybe you could just
pretend that I’m a correspondent with FOX News.
Let’s start first with
coal. You’ve lifted restrictions on coal mining and seem to be hell bent on
increasing coal production. Not a good idea, in my opinion. Even the Chinese
have recognized the damage burning coal does to the atmosphere and are reducing
their reliance on coal-burning power plants. I strongly recommend that you do
likewise.
On a larger scale, you
have promised to withdraw from the Paris Convention on climate change. Again,
that’s a really bad idea. Although I’ve never put a lot of faith in you humans
when it comes to making sensible choices, I did have some hope that this treaty
would mark the start of a worldwide effort to avert environmental disaster. I’m
hoping you’ll reconsider if not for the sake of humanity then at least to
ensure that your coastal golf courses are not underwater in thirty years.
Then there’s your
country’s EPA or Environmental Protection Agency. You’re cutting funding to
this crucial organization and, worse yet, you’ve appointed a climate change
denier to head it up. You might want to rethink that decision while most of
your drinking water is still potable.
I’ll do what I can to
mitigate the upcoming damage but we are nearing the tipping point. How about
you and I make a deal? You back off on your anti-environment proposals and I’ll
do my best to repair the planet. Hope to hear from you soon but don’t delay; this
offer is valid for a limited time only.
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