Friday, May 30, 2008

Barack Obama, The First Hundred Days

January 20, 2009
Watch TV as that old fart McCain is sworn in as President. I can’t believe that harridan Hillary bailed on me and accepted the Vice Presidential slot on the Republican ticket. Phone rings but I don’t answer. Call display shows it’s Al Gore probably wanting to commiserate again. No way I’m joining that loser in Loserville.

January 26
Channel all energies into tracking down members of Reverend Wright’s Trinity United Church Veterans for Truth. You’d think that old coot would have had the decency to at least shut up during the final campaign. The last lead I had was that Bill Clinton was behind all this.

January 31
Michelle issues ultimatum: either I stop moping around the house in bathrobe all day or she’ll banish me to the living room sofa. Her words hit me like a cold splash of water. Stop watching C-SPAN in hopes of finding ongoing election recounts.

February 2
Groundhog Day. If I see my own shadow, there’ll be six more years of Republican rule. If I don’t, there’ll be eight. Back to bed. What’s the point?

February 9
Concerned about McCain’s reform proposal, visit local Social Security office and enquire about filing early application for benefits. Informed that qualifying age is 67 and reminded that I am still employed by U. S. Senate. Vow to attend at least one sitting in current session.

February 15
Out of desperation, finally decide to answer Al Gore’s call. Instantly regret decision. Al rambles on suggesting I grow beard, put on weight and teach at obscure backwoods university. Finally cut him off by telling him I have Democratic filibuster to attend in Senate.

February 26
Try again to phone Hillary but she still won’t take my calls. Even Jimmy Carter won’t talk to me.

March 1
Note that President McCain is not looking well. His skin is that pasty white you see at Neil Diamond and Barry Manilow concerts.

March 10
Bored silly. To pass time, make prank calls to Queen Elizabeth and ask if she’s got Prince Charles in a can. When she replies curtly "Who is this?", I tell her she better let him out and quickly hang up. Consider calling back and asking for Harry Butz.

March 23
Evening news shows report McCain admitted to hospital for undisclosed ailment.

April 1
Front page of my morning N. Y. Times features article reporting Supreme Court reopening issue of potential voter fraud in Ohio, Michigan and Florida in last election. Reporter’s speculation about possible Obama victory gets me re-energized. When I excitedly relay news to Michelle she announces "April Fool’s" and informs me that she had mock front page printed off web site. We both share a laugh and I retire to my room for quiet cry.

April 16
McCain still in hospital. If his health doesn’t improve soon, it looks like Hillary may be temporarily in charge. Damn!

April 29
Shocking news. President McCain is dead. Rumors abound about possible poisoning but the official cause of death is listed as "old age." I can’t believe it; that harpy Hillary is now President and she’s choosing Bill as her Vice President. What else can go wrong?

April 30
Hillary calls or at least I think it was Hillary. All I heard was "Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah!" and then a dial tone. Oh, well, there’s always 2012.

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