Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Real Beijing Olympics

As with past Olympic Games, the host country gets to choose a demonstration sport, typically one that it excels in. Chinese Olympic Committee spokesperson Wu Hu Hu recently announced the committee’s list of nominated sports and competitions to be voted on at their next meeting:

Tibetan Tipping
Practised in select western provinces, Tibetan tipping has been popular with many Chinese for over fifty years. The competition starts with a handful of Tibetans politely asking for autonomy within the Peoples’ Republic. Teams of ethnic Chinese then take turns "tipping" the Tibetans. The first team to silence the Tibetans’s pleas for limited self-government is declared the winner.

Mao Maoing

In honor of the nation’s founder, teams of free enterprise afficianados compete in this uniquely Chinese mental gymnastics competition. Each team seeks to introduce a particular modern economic reform while at the same time rationalizing it with traditional Maoist thought. The team that realizes the biggest financial profit without breaching any of the key tenets of Mao’s version of Marxism-Leninism wins a simulated gold medal and the eternal gratification of the proletariat.

Internet Accessing
What might appear to be an easy task for western competitors becomes difficult when attempted within Chinese jurisdictions. Teams of three computer users compete to see which one can circumvent government filters, restrictions and firewalls to gain access to forbidden web sites. The first team to log on to either or wins a modest trophy and a free ten-week stay at the closest reeducation spa and camp.

Buffet Resistance
A two-stage competition, buffet resistance is an eating contest with a twist. The first round requires contestants to eat a varied selection from a traditional buffet of MSG-laden Chinese food until completely sated. Round two takes place exactly one hour later at which time any contestant who can resist eating again is declared a winner.

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