Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Polygamy Made Legal

"I do! I do! I do!"

With those six words, Utah Governor Jon Meade Huntsman, Jr. simultaneously signed into law a bill making polygamy legal and married three new wives.

"It’s a great day for the great state of Utah," proclaimed Governor Huntsman. "Not only are we restoring our great polygamous heritage, we’re opening up a whole new market for our growing tourist industry.

Asked to elaborate, Huntsman detailed plans to make Utah the multiple marriage capital of America.

"As I see it," said the much-married governor. "It’s a win-win situation for Utah. Not only do we get to be real Mormons again. We also get to welcome all those men looking to take on more than one wife."

"We’ve done some market research and discovered that there are different segments of the population that will likely make use of our services," said Huntsman.

Apparently one of those segments comprises male Hollywood stars who are currently serially monogamous but are tired of the financial obligations associated with multiple divorces.

"I wish I’d had this option years ago," said aging star Mickey Rooney. "Having been married eight times and divorced seven, those alimony checks really start to add up. If I could have just stayed married to all those broads, I could have saved a bundle."

Another segment is made up of America’s leading business executives. For years, these men have competed with one another not only through the accumulation of wealth but also by acquiring the youngest and prettiest trophy wife.

"I think there’s a definite market to be tapped," said Governor Huntsman. "If one trophy wife is good, surely two is better and three even more desirable. I think you’re going to see a whole new field of competition opening up for Fortune 500 executives."

Male politicians are also warming to Utah’s new offering. Rather than engage in risky extra-marital affairs and dalliances, certain high-needs officeholders can now satisfy their urges within the law.

"I think it’s just great," said former President Bill Clinton. "After all, a man has needs."

Hillary Clinton was initially cool to the new "Utah option" but has apparently come on board with her sponsorship of a new bill to make polyandry legal in New York State.

"What’s saucy for the gander is saucy for the goose," said Hillary.

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