Who's Left?

Both the Democratic and Republican nomination races are in freefall. Shortly after John Edwards and Rudy Giuliani bowed out, the other major contenders followed suit. First Hillary Clinton pulled the plug on her campaign and then Barack Obama called it quits.

At the same time, John McCain announced he’s had enough. And before McCain could even finish his speech, Mitt Romney issued a press release saying that he could no longer carry on.

The surprising result of all these capitulations is that there appears to be no candidate from either party willing to seek the Presidency. Unless someone steps forward soon, both the Republicans and Democrats could be without a nominee.

Rumors abound as to why four frontrunners would suddenly give up. When questioned about their precipitous decisions, none of the four was willing to give an answer. In fact, all of them were afraid to say much of anything.

The formerly tough-talking McCain was spotted curled up in the fetal position whimpering "I quit. I quit." Hillary Clinton wasn’t just tearing up anymore; she was out and out sobbing and begging to go home.

Mitt Romney’s hair was a mess as if some evil force had tousled it repeatedly and the Michigan primary winner looked as if he had seen a ghost. Barack Obama was found clutching his knees, rocking back and forth and repeatedly whispering "The horror! The horror!"

No one knows for sure what happened but some observers have their suspicions. As ususal, Washington insiders suspect the chubby hand of Dick Cheney has once again been at work. It’s as yet unclear if the Vice President had any involvement in the raft of surprising candidacy terminations although the mere mention of his name now reportedly makes each of the four former candidates shake and cry uncontrollably.

"He’s gone, right?" said Hillary Clinton. "He’s not coming back, right? Promise me, Bill. Make him go away. Please!"

When reached for comment, Vice President Cheney simply smiled and said that he respected the decisions all the candidates had made. At the same time, he seemed unconcerned at the total lack of potential party nominees for this year’s upcoming Presidential election.

"I don’t think there’s any cause for alarm," said Cheney. "If no one turns up by November, rest assured that President Bush is more than willing to carry on for another four years. He figures it’s the least he can do rather than leave the nation in the lurch."

Asked if even he might consider running for the nation’s highest office, the Vice President didn’t rule that possibility out.

"If no one else comes forward and President Bush should meet with an unfortunate hunting accident," said Mr. Cheney. "I guess I’d have no other choice. After all, whenever America has called, I’ve always been ready to report for duty."

After delivering his prepared statement, Cheney elbowed a homeless man, kicked a dog and made the sun disappear.