Monday, February 04, 2008

Square State Saturday

February 5th is Super Duper Tuesday in this year’s Presidential nomination races with over twenty state primaries being held simultaneously. With big states like New York and California holding their contests on that day, smaller states are likely to get lost in the shuffle. That’s why some jurisdictions have apparently decided that four years from now they’re going to join together for their own special days in early February:

Square State Saturday
Wyoming holds its primary in January. But the remaining square states have decided to band together and jointly hold the first primaries in February. Colorado, Kansas and both Dakotas take pride in everything square from their dancing to their voting. No lily-livered, oddly-shaped liberal states need apply.

Guns ‘N Nuts Sunday
The gun-loving, government-hating citizens of Idaho, Montana and Texas will reluctantly cast their votes for their least-hated candidate on the first Sunday of the month. No Democratic primaries will be held as only the Republicans dare ask for support from these true American mavericks.

Hillbilly Monday
On the day before Super Duper Tuesday in the year 2012, America’s mountain folk will have their say. Kentucky, Arkansas and West Virginia will cast their votes for their favorite political varmints. Double Xs will be the order of the day as most residents use only one letter to mark and sign their ballots.

Western Wednesday
By Super Duper Tuesday, most of the lower 48 will have spoken. But four years from now, that won’t stop America’s two westernmost states from joining in the electoral fun. Alaska and Hawaii will still insist on holding primaries although by the time their results are compiled, it will already be Thursday in the rest of the country and, frankly, no one will even care.

Protectorate Thursday
Most of us forget that U. S. territory doesn’t end with the fifty states. That’s why far flung protectorates and commonwealths like Guam, American Samoa and Puerto Rico want to take time to make their presidential preferences known. Since no electoral votes are at stake, however, they’ll be lucky to get a visit from Dennis Kucinich, Ron Paul or even Ross Perot.

Forgotten Friday
By the end of the first week in February, chances are that the nomination races will be all but over. However, don’t tell that to the stubborn inhabitants of America’s forgotten jurisdictions who will still insist on exercising their feeble franchise. Four years from now, Forgotten Friday will allow Rhode Island, Delaware and D. C. to add their tiny inconsequential voices to the presidential primary cacophony.

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