Hillary Ate Glue

The use of dirty tricks in the Democratic and Republican presidential campaigns has begun, as it does every four years. The Clinton camp, for example, recently played up Barack Obama’s self-admitted use of cocaine as a young man. More recently, anonymous tricksters have tried to besmirch John McCain’s reputation with allegations that, as a young POW in Vietnam, he sold out his Navy comrades.

As the nomination contests heat up, one thing is certain: political tricksters will be digging even further into the candidates’ pasts to come up with embarrassing revelations. In fact, several unreliable sources have revealed the following shocking exposés already in the works:

Hillary Clinton Ate Glue in Kindergarten!!!
It’s true! Former classmate Hilda Bumpers confirms on camera that Hillary Rodham, her five-year old classmate at Park Ridge Elementary, regularly ate both paste and glue. "It was unbelievable," said Ms. Bumpers. "Every time our teacher, Miss Smithers, put out the paste pot, Hillary would help herself to a couple of bites." "I’m not saying she was addicted," said Bumpers. "But I swear I even saw her once sniffing the glue!"

Rudy Giuliani Wore Dresses in Grade Two!!!
Check out these pictures! The former New York City mayor claims his cross-dressing was confined to adult costume balls. But the pictures don’t lie. Apparently his fetish for female attire goes way back. "Yeah, Rudy would come over to our house to play," said childhood acquaintance Mildred Purcell. "And he’d always put on my older sister Lorna’s skirts and blouses." "One time he even tried to get into my mom’s makeup case," said Purcell

Barack Obama Had to Change His Underwear in Grade One!!!
It’s shocking but true! The so-called candidate of change has a history of change he doesn’t want you to know about. "I know for a fact," said school chum Rodney Peters. "That he wet himself on at least two occasions and had to change his underwear." "I bet he was even a bedwetter and someone else had to change his sheets," said Peters.

Mitt Romney Kissed Three Girls in Grade Four!!!
Now the truth can be told! Although his Church foreswore polygamy over a century ago, young Mitt didn’t seem to get the message. Throughout grade four at Bloomfield Hills Elementary, Romney tried to have as many girlfriends as he could. "It was heartbreaking," said former girlfriend Rita Buford. "I thought I was his only girl but he also kissed Linda Taylor and Leslie Blair." "When I asked him why he did it," said Buford. "Mitt just said he wanted to marry us all."

John Edwards Pulled Pigtails in Grade One!!!
Believe it! The hair-obsessed former senator from North Carolina wasn’t always the law-abiding citizen he appears to be. Several women have come forward to testify that "little Johnny Edwards" repeatedly and maliciously pulled their pigtails in grade one. "He was incorrigible," said former classmate Enid Burns. "If he wasn’t looking at this own hair in the mirror, he was pulling on ours." "If we still had inkwells in our desks," said Burns. "I’m sure he would have done much worse."

John McCain Took Non-express Bus to School!!!
He can’t deny it now! In elementary school in New London, Connecticut, little Johnny McCain took a bus every day that made multiple stops. The self-described leader of the Straight Talk Express sure didn’t believe in express buses in those days. "He’s a hypocrite," said childhood chum Nathan Rhodes. "Back then, he took the milk run to school like the rest of us." "I’m not saying he’s lying," said Rhodes. "But you’re definitely not getting straight talk from Mr. McCain."