Tuesday, February 05, 2008

New Bathroom Sex Code Unveiled

One little-noted repercussion from Senator Larry Craig’s misadventure last summer in a Minneapolis public restroom has been the widespread dissemination of the heretofore secret bathroom sex code. Now the whole world knows the foot-tapping, hand-waving motions that signal a desire for inter-stall sex.

"It’s not that we don’t want everyone to know our secret bathroom body language," said gay spokesperson Rod Longley. "But if heterosexuals are going to start muscling in on our territory, there may not be enough gay sex to go around."

"After all," said Longley. "Larry Craig says he’s not gay and there may be millions more like him who want to have man-on-man sex in public washrooms."

To stem the potential tidal wave of non-gay males toe-tapping and hand-signalling in public restrooms, the gay community is considering the creation of a whole new bathroom sex code.
"It may be the only way to solve the problem," said Longley. "Otherwise we are going to have more and more incidents of gay men unknowingly having gay sex with heterosexual men which is going to be embarrassing for everyone involved."

When asked to describe the new code, Longley adamantly refused, pointing out that revealing the new code would defeat the whole purpose of the measure. Some have speculated that the new inter-cubicle signalling system involves an elaborate series of coded references to Judy Garland, Cher and several well-known Broadway musicals. Speaking from his hairdressing salon in San Francisco, Longley would neither confirm nor deny such speculation although he expressed annoyance at the continued emphasis on certain hoary gay stereotypes.

"Of course there’s no guarantee this new code will solve the problem," said Longley. "And if it doesn’t, we may have to vacate the bathroom stall sex scene altogether and leave it to the straights."

As for rumors that the gay community has secret plans to infiltrate public bathhouses instead, Longley simply smiled, tugged his left ear lobe, tapped his right foot twice and issued a terse "No comment."

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