Monday, February 11, 2008

Tattoo You

Unbeknownst to most voters, many major Presidential candidates in this year’s nomination races are tattoo afficionados.

This revelation might never have come to light but for the surprising results at the Body Art Expo held in January in Pomona, California. Most attendees weren’t even aware that the candidates were present until the grand body art show-off held on the final day of what is advertised as the World’s Largest Tattoo Expo.

All the candidates threw caution to the wind and stripped down to their skivvies to display their prize winning skin paintings. Runner-up awards went to both Rudy Giuliani and Mike Huckabee for their unusual inkings.

Mr. Giuliani wowed the crowd with his original skin creation comprising a two foot “9" on his chest and an equally large “11" on his back. “I didn’t just survive 9/11,” said the former New York City mayor. “I eat, breathe and sleep 9/11.”

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee was no slouch either as he tore off his shirt to reveal a 360 degree body trunk homage to the Bible. “As you can see,” said Huckabee. “My pecs display scenes from the Pentateuch and my back is almost entirely devoted to apocalyptic visions from the Book of Revelations.”

John McCain was also a crowd favorite with his original old-school tattoos from his days as a Navy fighter pilot over forty years ago. Sadly, however, the 71-year old U. S. senator was beginning to show his age as sagging skin turned his “Anchors Aweigh” plus anchor print into an embarrassing facsimile of a smiley face made up of the letters “AA” above the bottom curve of the anchor.

On the Democratic side, Barack Obama snagged an honorable mention for his unique ghetto chest. Finally putting to rest the question of his black bona fides, the Illinois senator strutted the stage to rap music while showing off his street slang-covered front. Yo, Barack! You da man!

The big winner of the night, however, was Hillary Clinton. For those who wondered why the former First Lady always wears pantsuits, the final show-down answered that question and many more. Ms. Clinton’s legs are two curvaceous canvasses featuring a tattoo history of America. By the time the crowd was treated to her stars and stripes derriere, they were already on their feet cheering the candidate on.

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