Laughing All the Way to the Bank

Conversation overheard at a recent meeting of the International Currency Club:

EURO: Hey, Loonie! Good to see you again. Congratulations on finally reaching parity. You must be pleased with yourself.

LOONIE: Thanks, Euro, but this parity business is not all it’s cracked up to be.

EURO: How so?

LOONIE: Well, some folks back home are happy, especially the guys pumping oil out of the ground and the ones looking to go to Disney World this winter. But the folks who make cars and stuff are kind of upset.

EURO: I hear you. We can’t sell anything outside Europe anymore. And much as we detest those pesky American tourists, we do miss them. We really need their dollars. But now they can’t afford to come and bug us anymore.

POUND: Bloody hell! We could use a few of those greenbacks right about now.

FRANC: D’accord. We don’t miss zee Americains but oh how we miss zer dollars.

MARK: Yah.

LOONIE: I never thought I’d say it but I’d rather go back to our old 92.5 ¢ Diefenbuck. Those were the days.

PESO: Si, amigo. This is no good for any of us. Look over there in the corner at our Chinese friend Renminbi. He’s almost in tears.

YEN: I hear he got caught holding so much American currency that he’s taking the biggest financial bath since you devalued yourself back in ‘94.

PESO: Don’t remind me, senor.

LOONIE: How did this happen? I thought parity was going to be a good thing.

EURO: Me, too. Let’s ask Dollar. He should know.

LIRA: Itsa too late; we can’t. He left early. Someone said that they saw him laughing all the way to the bank.

LOONIE: I think we just got screwed again.

When Irish Eyes Are Lying

Like most Canadians, I was happy to see Brian Mulroney go. But now that he’s back with his autobiography Brian Mulroney Memoirs, it’s probably time to rethink matters. Given the scandals of the Chretien era and the micro-managing by Stephen Harper, maybe Mr. Mulroney wasn’t so bad after all.

First off, Brian Mulroney got things done. Unlike his wishy-washy successor Jean Chretien, the Baie-Comeau Bruiser pushed through his legislative agenda whether we Canadians wanted it or not.

Thanks to Mr. Mulroney, we got the Canada-U.S. Free Trade Agreement, the North American Free Trade Agreement and the GST. Never mind that we now have falling productivity, an ongoing brain drain and few homegrown corporations. That’s not important. What’s important is that we have the FTA, NAFTA and the GST. They may be regressive, anti-Canadian initiatives, but they’re our regressive, anti-Canadian initiatives.

Second, the Guy from Gucci knows how to spend a dollar. He might have claimed to be a fiscal conservative but he still managed to triple the national debt during his nine-year reign. And isn’t that what we need right now - some good old-fashioned deficit spending?

Third, Brian Mulroney knows how to suck up to the Americans. Let’s face it; our country is entirely dependent on the U.S. and we better get used to it. And who better to cement that dependent relationship than the quintessential American butt kisser, Martin Brian Mulroney? From singing When Irish Eyes Are Smiling to Ronald Reagan to boat riding with George Bush the Elder, the Baie Comeau Bootlick knows the art of ingratiation.

Fourth, Brian Mulroney knows constitutional reform. With a deft and unmatched ability to compromise anything and everything, the Mount Royal Mauler can get us back to what we Canadians love best - never ending constitutional wrangling. Who didn’t enjoy the divisive debates over the Meech Lake and Charlottetown Accords? Isn’t it time to once again stir up the jurisdictional pot?

Fifth, Brian Mulroney knows how to deal with the federal public service. Not only is he skilled at cutting services, freezing wages and suspending collective bargaining, he also knows how to demean and belittle workers at the same time. We’ve had labor peace in the federal public service for far too long. It’s time for a change.

Sixth, Brian Mulroney knows how to deal with patronage. From political appointments to pork barrelling, the Iron Ore Guy knows that "there’s no whore like an old whore." There’s going to be patronage in Canadian government anyway so let’s have it doled out by an expert.

Seventh, Brian Mulroney knows scandal. Jean Chretien looked like a piker compared to the Laval Labor Lawyer. Remember Sinclair Stevens, Roch Lasalle, Michel Côté, André Bissonnette, Michel Gravel, Suzanne Blais-Grenier, among others? The Mulroney Cabinet didn’t just engage in penny ante stuff like $800 weekends or $36,000 contracts. They were experienced in the whole gamut of wrongdoing from large scale financial boondoggles to outright criminal convictions.

So let’s rethink our animosity towards the Gravel-voiced One. Maybe we were a bit hasty and harsh in our judgment. After all, if we have to put up with patronage, corruption and scandal, we might as well go first class. Welcome back, Brian. Here’s the knife; there’s Joe Clark’s back; you know the rest.

The Republican Handbook

TO: Potential 2008 candidates
FROM: The Republican National Committee

As we rapidly approach the new year, it’s time to think about candidate comportment for the 2008 campaign season. To that end, please carefully review the latest revised version of "The Republican Handbook for Candidates":

1. Don’t mention W, George W. or George W. Bush. As Republicans, we, of course, support our President. No need to state the obvious.

2. Before leaving home, make sure to use the washroom. When on the campaign trail, avoid using public washrooms. If you absolutely have to use one, then do not use the stalls. If you have no other choice, then do NOT tap your feet, use a wide stance or run your hand along the bottom of the divider.

3. When describing your opponent, use the words "liberal" and "socialist" as often as possible. Don’t hesitate to employ phrases like "cut and run", "tax and spend" and "soft on crime."

4. Whenever possible, mention Bill Clinton’s sexual improprieties. However, if your own sexual dalliances may become public, take the high road. If in doubt, call Newt Gingrich for advice.

5. Immediately destroy any campaign photos showing you with Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney or Karl Rove.

6. Avoid discussions about Iraq and Afghanistan. If pressed, claim progress in the War on Terror and paint Democrats as terrorist-loving appeasers. As a last resort, say: "We’re fighting them there so we won’t have to fight them here."

7. Pick a religion, any religion. Except maybe Islam or Scientology.

8. When stumped by a question or otherwise stuck for an answer, simply refer to 9/11. As in "My opponent seems to want to forget about 9/11" or "9/11 changed everything."

9. Always praise Ronald Reagan.

10. Don’t get divorced, at least not more than once. Don’t have sex with minors, particularly of the same sex. Don’t sexually harass others, especially if there are witnesses. Don’t cheat on your spouse, at least while in the continental U. S.

11. If you must withdraw, resign or otherwise step down, always claim it’s because you want to spend more time with your family.

Leap Day

Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty has reached into his bag of goodies and pulled out another pre-election promise: a new February holiday for Ontarians. Yet to be decided, however, is when the holiday will be celebrated and what it will be called. Liberal strategists are apparently hard at work assessing the following suggestions:

Groundhog Day
February 2nd is already recognized throughout Canada and the U. S. as Groundhog Day. Why not simply elevate its status to that of a statutory holiday? Like the movie of the same name, Ontarians could spend the day celebrating the fact that they have to relive the same political issues over and over.

Valentine’s Day
February 14th is traditionally for lovers but why not make it for all Ontarians? After all, if you don’t have to go to work, you’re definitely going to be more in the mood for love. We might even learn to love our premier.

Presidents’ Day
The third Monday of February is officially celebrated in the U. S. as Washington’s Birthday. But there’s no reason it can’t be adopted here as well. It’s a big boon to the retail industry south of the border and presumably could work the same magic in Ontario. To those uncomfortable with the American name, it could always be called Premier’s Day.

Public School Day
The first Friday of February could be a kind of "professional development" day for everyone. Ontarians could celebrate the strength and diversity of their public education system except, of course, for those who aren’t Catholic. For those unlucky folks, a new non-statutory observance called School Voucher Day could be marked on the last Tuesday of the month.

Election Day
Now that Ontario has regular quadrennial provincial elections, why not move election day from early October to the third Monday in February? If we have to vote, we might as well enjoy it and get a long weekend, too. Who knows? We might even get a voter turnout of more than 50%.

Leap Day
To those who complain that we can’t afford another statutory holiday, here’s a handy compromise. Instead of having a February holiday every year, we’ll only celebrate on February 29th. The anticipation of waiting four years will only heighten the enjoyment of Leap Day, especially if by then there’s been a change of government.

The Tennis Solution

Sad to say, women continue to suffer financial discrimination in the workplace. Despite decades of effort, the average female still makes only two-thirds of what a man does.

But all that may soon change. As an occasional tennis fan, I have noticed a trend that should be encouraging to women everywhere.

This is the second week of the U. S. Open held in New York City. And for women competing in that tournament, there is no question of discrimination.

For many years, women have been offered the same prize money as men at the U. S. Open. And this is not a passing fad since the Australian Open does the same and Wimbledon followed suit this year and now also gives equal prize money to both sexes.

Some might complain that equal prize money is not fair. They might point out that the top female tennis player in the world could not likely beat any male player ranked in the top 10,000.

But surely that is not the point. If we are ever to have economic parity in this world, we must set aside such quaint notions as ability and physical superiority. How can we possibly eliminate discrimination if we are always giving greater rewards to the best performers?

The folks at the U. S. Open and other major tournaments have even gone one step further to ameliorate the situation. Not only do women compete for equal prize money, they do so for less work.

Men’s matches are best of five whereas women’s are best of three. Again, some critics would say this is unfair. They would undoubtedly espouse an outmoded concept like "equal pay for work of equal value."

Again, those folks have missed the point. Women were under-rewarded for years and it is only recently that they have attained equity in the world of tennis. Even if they play fewer sets against lesser opponents for the same pay as men, isn’t that simply providing reparations for past inequities? A kind of tennis affirmative action, if you will.

Finally, the world of tennis shows how women can achieve success not only through hard work and effort but also by the sheer dint of their fashion sense. While the men mainly rely on skill and brute force, the women have realized the marketing potential in the visual aspect of the court game.

By mixing and matching and changing outfits, women on the tennis tour have been able to obtain endorsements and promotional deals that often exceed their on-court income. There are those who gripe and grouse that women’s tennis is nothing but a soft-core fashion show. But that just sounds like sour grapes. It’s a level playing surface out there and the men are free to pursue the same opportunities.

So how does all this help women at large? Well, there’s no reason the principles that apply on the tennis court can’t apply elsewhere.

First, let’s ensure women make the same money as men. Next, in order to compensate for past wrongs, let’s have women work two-thirds of a man’s workday. Finally, let’s not forget the potential additional rewards that can be earned from good fashion sense.

Personally, I’d pay extra to see women wear revealing tennis outfits at work. And I’m sure I’m not alone. If that’s what it takes to make things right, I’m definitely prepared to make the sacrifice.

The Whys of Surviving the Government

Recently, I wrote an essay imparting the lessons I have learned as a 25-year veteran of the public service to the next generation of government workers. For example, I told them about deferring tasks, always saying "yes" and the five-year rule which states that "new" initiatives and programs are recycled about every five years.

But my essay was basically a nuts and bolts approach to day-to-day survival in the bureaucracy. It didn’t answer the "whys" of life in the government. Today’s installment seeks to remedy that deficiency.

Perhaps the most common query is "Why don’t we know what’s happening?" For most government employees, this is perhaps the most frustrating aspect of their job. Despite working at or near the heart of power, they seldom have a clue as to what is actually going on. In fact, they are more likely to find out about government plans and initiatives from newspaper reports than from their employer.

The reason, of course, is that in government, knowledge is power. The more you know and the sooner you know it, the more status you have. The corollary to this rule is that communication in the bureaucracy goes up the ladder, not down. Despite hearing frequent paeans to transparency and openness in government, the average civil servant is more likely to get a buyout than actual useful information from above.

Another frequent question is "Why are they doing that?" with the emphasis on the word "doing." The reason follows from the one-way flow of information and the tendency to keep information secret. Rather than share their plans and proposals with those beneath them, senior mandarins prefer to gather information from below and use it to suit their own ends.

This means that many decisions are made with little or no input from the minions with actual expertise in the areas affected. A particularly dangerous version of this game is the annual budget exercise. Since the budget is a highly confidential document, there is virtually no top down communication during its creation. That means that any old proposal that’s still lying around in someone’s desk drawer or hard drive may get incorporated into the budget and become law no matter how ridiculous it is.

This begs the further question "Who is asking for this?" with the emphasis on the word "asking." Inevitably, whatever foolishness is being implemented originates from a command by someone senior in power, a minister or even the prime minister.

A minister asks, say, for a new program to streamline the government and that sets off a whole chain reaction. The task is divided between various deputy ministers who, in turn, divvy up their sub-tasks to their assistant deputy ministers. The job is further farmed out to director generals and directors and, before you know it, the new program to streamline the government has created its own mini-bureaucracy.

A question often heard in the public service is "Why is that person in charge?" with an emphasis on the word "that." And often the answer can be found in the government’s commitment to the principle of revolving executives.

Whereas years ago, the head of a department worked his way up through the ranks acquiring valuable hands-on experience, now deputy ministers and assistant deputy ministers are rotated from department to department regardless of their lack of technical expertise. And since they are usually rotated out within two or three years, they’re seldom around to be blamed for the inevitable failures that their ill-informed decisions cause.

Among employees with more years of service, a frequent question is "Didn’t we do this before?" with the emphasis on the word "before." And the answer is, more often than not, "yes." Because communication is up, not down; because decisions are made in secret and because expertise is ignored, what was tried and failed five years ago is inevitably tried and fails again and again.

The public service is filled with questions like these and each question has an answer, although seldom a logical one. After all, the primary job of government is to make sure nothing much changes. And if you understand that simple principle, you’ve got a job for life.

Dear Computer Guy - U.S. version

An occasional consumer advice column for those in need of computer assistance:

Dear Computer Guy:

I live in Washington, D. C. and for the last seven years I’ve been using Bush II as my operating system. Despite experiencing a number of problems, I’ve still been pleased with this OS due primarily to the generous ongoing rebates and tax refunds. Should I stick with Bush II for the next few years?

Wondering in Washington

Dear Wondering:

Consider yourself lucky; you’re one of the few Bush II users who hasn’t been burned. What started out as a promising new OS back in 2001 has turned into a bug-filled, error-prone system. The Afghan patch released in 2002 initially appeared to fix some of the problems. However, the hastily-planned and ill-fated Iraqi version has proved to be disastrous for most non-corporate users.

Recent defections from the company that makes this product suggest that it is definitely in decline. Both their top marketing strategist and senior in-house counsel recently resigned and rumor has it that more bodies are looking to jump ship.

If you can squeeze another year of useful life out of Bush II, hang on for now. But if you see a new operating system on sale next fall, I’d go for it.

The Computer Guy

Dear Computer Guy:

Some years ago, I purchased the Clinton word processing software package. It gave me reliable service for most of the 90s but I haven’t used it now in more than six years. I hear there’s a new Clinton 2.0 version coming out. Is it as good as the original?

Wordless in Seattle

Dear Wordless:

That’s a tough question. First of all, let’s be clear. Clinton 2.0 is a completely different product from version 1.0. Basically, only the name is the same. Whereas, for its time, Clinton 1.0 had all the bells and whistles and lots of marketing pizzaz, version 2.0 is definitely not as flashy although undoubtedly more stable.

Some beta testers in New York said they liked the trial version of Clinton 2.0 that was offered only in their state for the last few years. But others have questioned the reliability of its technical support. Some users have reported a repeated failure by the company to admit past programming errors and rectify clearly faulty positions.

On the other hand, it appears that purchasers of Clinton 2.0 will still have access to version 1.0 as well. However, since it’s still not clear whether the two versions are even compatible, it may be wise to hold off and check for the availability of the new Obama product or the redesigned Edwards package.

The Computer Guy

Dear Computer Guy

An occasional consumer advice column for those in need of computer assistance:

Dear Computer Guy:

I bought the Canada’s New Government software package a year and a half ago and already I’ve had to pay extra for version 2.0. Now they’ve just released version 3.0. Do I have to upgrade again?

A Concerned Canadian

Dear Concerned Canadian:

Although the chief designer of this software is touting the latest release as having a whole new look and feel, from what I can see it’s just a minor reshuffling of a few directories. While it’s true that the defense registry has been replaced, the underlying problem still remains. Until the designer decides to include a "mission aborted" error routine, version 3.0 will still be using way too many resources for little or no performance enhancement.

The addition of the new "Maximemizer" feature may attract a few more French-speaking customers in Quebec. However, the absence of a long term programming strategy will likely keep Canada’s New Government in a minority sales position.

Unless the design chief decides to yield some creative control to the members of his team, don’t look for any dramatic improvements in this product any time soon. In fact, there’s no longer much new in Canada’s New Government. Hold on to your money and wait for a new release of that old standby software package Liberal Majority. Once they unload their current CEO, the next version could be a winner.

The Computer Guy

Dear Computer Guy:

A year and a half ago I bought a new anti-virus protection service from an Ottawa-based company. They guaranteed me that no matter how big and profitable my enterprise grew, I wouldn’t have to pay anything extra for the protection of my resources. Now they’re telling me that I can’t have both. What recourse do I have?

Jinxed in St. John’s

Dear Jinxed:

I’m sorry to report that you’re out of luck. You’re just the latest customer to be taken in by this unscrupulous outfit. For years now, this federally-based operation has promised anything to get customers to sign on. Once they do, however, all bets are off. The company then starts asking for what they call "equalization payments." And the better you do or the more resources you find, the more you pay. Check the fine print in your license agreement. Sadly, it’s all there in black and white.

The Computer Guy

Dear Computer Guy:

Despite experiencing a number of problems, I’ve still been pleased with this OS due primarily to the generous ongoing rebates and tax refunds. Should I stick with Bush II for the next few years?

Nervous in New York

Dear Nervous:

Consider yourself lucky; you’re one of the few Bush II users who hasn’t been burned. What started out as a promising new OS back in 2001 has turned into a bug-filled, error-prone system. The Afghan patch released in 2002 initially appeared to fix some of the problems. However, the hastily-planned and ill-fated Iraqi version has proved to be disastrous for most non-corporate users.

Recent defections from the company that makes this product suggest that it is definitely in decline. Both their top marketing strategist and senior in-house counsel recently resigned and rumor has it that more bodies are looking to jump ship.
If you can squeeze another year of useful life out of Bush II, hang on for now. But if you see a new operating system on sale next fall, I’d go for it.

The Computer Guy

Lotto 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

The public hears that Karl Rove is resigning in order to spend more time with his family. But Washington insiders know that the real reason Mr. Rove is leaving is because he won the latest round of Lotto 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue - the unofficial White House lottery.

Ever since the President’s approval rating nosedived below 30%, the Bush Administration has been looking for a fair and orderly way to govern the departure of those lining up to jump ship. As one official noted: "It’s kind of like our own personal exit strategy designed to steer clear of an unwanted surge."

To avoid the embarrassment of mass resignations, President Bush got all staffers to agree to the lottery option. Every two months, a new name is drawn and the winner gets to resign in order to "spend more time with his family."

The first winner was former Presidential counsel Dan Bartlett whose name was drawn in June. Officially, Mr. Bartlett left to spend more time with his family. But unofficially, he was thrilled to be the first one to escape.

This month’s winner, of course, is Karl Rove. Whether or not his family will be happy to see more of him, Mr. Rove is tickled pink to get out. "What with all those investigations and allegations," said Rove. "The timing couldn’t have been better."

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and Counsel to the President Harriet Miers have been excluded from the lottery since neither has a family to spend more time with. Not surprisingly, both women say they love their job and expect to stay on until January 20, 2009 or until the President wins the lottery, whichever comes first.

Disappointed once again was Alberto Gonzales. Desperate to get out, the Attorney General will have to spend at least another two months fighting off subpoenas from Congressional committees. Everyone is reportedly pulling for Mr. Gonzales including the President.

"Heck, I’d like to win the lottery as much as the next guy," said Mr. Bush. "But if anyone deserves it now, it’s Al."

President Bush may get his first wish if the latest rumor turns out to be true. Seldom reliable sources have revealed that Dick Cheney has substituted another "W" ball for his in the lottery hopper.

"I think I’m the man for the top job," said the Vice President. "After all, even my own family doesn’t want to spend more time with me."

Re-branding the Government

After eighteen months in power, Canadians are getting a little tired of "Canada’s New Government." The slogan that originally helped contrast the new Conservative government with the just-defeated Liberals has now worn out its welcome.

Apparently the Tories are aware of the problem and have secretly engaged focus groups to test out some brand new slogans. Seldom reliable sources have leaked the following results of those marketing tests:

Canada’s Right Government
Initially this slogan tested well by yielding a strong image of a government committed to doing the right thing. But as focus groups spent more time examining the phrase, they eventually started associating it with a small-c conservative, right-of-center government. Apparently not the way to go for a party looking to achieve majority status.

Canada’s Majority in Waiting
Here’s an expression that succinctly captures the essence of Stephen Harper’s fondest aim: to win a majority government. Unfortunately, though, it also succinctly captures Mr. Harper’s arrogance and contempt for the electorate. Not seen as a good fit on any bumper sticker soon.

Canada’s Same Old Government
Warm, friendly and reassuring, this four-word saying gave focus group participants a nice, secure feeling associated with stability and the maintenance of the status quo. But on further reflection, most of those folks started asking if the slogan meant that whoever was in power was going to govern like the Liberals. Ultimately not a winning phrase.

Canada’s Only Government
Initially, those interviewed liked this one since it suggested strength in the face of weakness and decisiveness instead of the opposition parties’ wimpiness. In the end, however, it seemed that folks didn’t really take to the one-party, dictatorial rule this phrase strongly implies.

Canada’s American Government
Although this candidate garnered full marks for honesty, it didn’t give anyone a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Canada’s Afghan Government
This one was d.o.a.

New Tory
Party functionaries liked this one. It’s short, punchy and suitably vague. Sadly, it didn’t do well with focus groups, perhaps because of its similarity to New Coke.

A Tim Hortons Government
Potential voters were vague as to what this slogan actually meant. But follow-up questions revealed that most got a warm, sugary feeling and their eyes glazed over in contentment. Subject to licensing availability, this one could be a winner.

The Workplace Prison

The great myth of the workplace is that everybody should have a meaningful job that they love. The reality is that most of us see our job as a kind of sentence in a minimum security prison.

Don’t believe me? Just listen to how people talk at work.

"How many years have you got in?" "When do you get out?" "We’re breaking out at midnight, Rocky."

Well maybe you don’t hear that last one too often. But you get the idea.

Work, for most of us, is not that soul-satisfying, world-saving experience we read about in the "Careers" section of the daily newspaper. Rather, it’s usually a mind-numbing, soul-crushing, eight-hour daily sentence that we have to serve in order to get food, shelter and that big-screen plasma TV we’ve had our eye on.

Think about it. Most of us have a booth or a chair or a cubicle that we have to be in for a set period of time for five or six days a week. We get exercise breaks, a lunch break and, if we’re lucky, a weekend pass.

That doesn’t sound like work; that sounds like prison. And with prison comes a warden or, in the argot of the workplace, your supervisor. She’s the one who decides when you have your breaks, if you’ll get that weekend pass and what time the lights go out.

And if your workplace is like most, it’s populated with the same folks you find in prison. There’s the guards or, as you might know them, middle management. They carry out the warden’s orders and think they’ve got actual authority. But like prison guards, their authority is more imaginary than real. In fact, since they put in the same or longer hours than you do, they’re basically just prisoners with higher pay.

Then there’s the stool pigeon or snitch, the guy who rats on you to get special treatment from the guards. You know him as the office suck or the brown-noser. Same person; different title. But like the stoolie, Mr. Brown-noser usually gets his in the end.

Day-to-day activity at work is pretty much the same as in prison. You’re usually pushing paper, working the cash or manning the phone, all workplace equivalents to making license plates or working in the prison laundry.

Play by the rules and you get rewarded. It might be a good evaluation, an enclosed office or a minor promotion. Just like in prison where the prisoner with good behavior might get his own cell or become the warden’s "trusty."

And if you break the rules, you get punished. That means a black mark on your record or, if you’ve been really bad, you have to work alone. Kind of like solitary confinement, if you will.
The older you get, the more your thoughts center on "getting out." The big question becomes: do you have to serve your full sentence or can you get paroled? Except you might know it as early retirement.

Like the folks behind bars, you soon learn to keep your mouth shut and do your time. Keep your nose clean and your head down and you’ll eventually be free.

But don’t despair. As inmates will tell you, if you don’t obsess about getting out, the days pass more quickly. As they say in the slammer, that’s easy time.

A Congressional Declaration of Independence

IN CONGRESS, August 4, 2007.

The unanimous Declaration of the two Houses of the Congress of the united States of America:

When in the Course of Washington events, it becomes necessary for one branch of government to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the Constitution, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and the Founding Fathers entitle them, they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all branches of government are created equal, that ours in particular was supposed to have the unalienable Right to declare war, fund war and decide when a war would end. --That to secure this balance of powers, Governments are structured among Men in varying ways, dividing the powers gained from the consent of the governed between the various branches to ensure no one branch shall prevail. --That whenever any one branch of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Offended Branch to reassert its authority. The history of the present King George is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

- He has ignored the United Nations and unilaterally entered into war with no good reason or direct provocation.
- He has misled the citizenry with false allegations concerning weapons of mass destruction.
- He has falsely asserted connections between Iraq and al Qaeda.
- He has imperilled the security of the nation through his reckless acts of preemptive war.
- He has relieved the rich of their fair tax burden to the detriment of the middle class.
- He has crippled the economy through his irresponsible tax cuts and spending.
- He has diminished the rights of the citizenry.
- He has pandered to religious fundamentalists and endangered the rights of minorities, women and gays.
- He has converted the Supreme Court into an executive rubber stamp.
- He has sought to subvert the separation of church and state.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms but our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A King whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the Congress of these united States of America, solemnly publish and declare, That we as legislators ought to be Free to assert our rights as stated in the Constitution of these United States and thereby halt this King’s reckless War. We undertake therefore to read the Constitution and maybe even pursue the action necessary to exercise the duly assigned powers granted us under that document.

How Stupid Are We?

I like to think that I’m a reasonably intelligent fellow. But the longer I live, the more I question not only my native intelligence but also that of my fellow Canadians.

After all, where else would you find a nation of educated sheep who week after week fill their gas tanks with dollar a litre gas with hardly a whimper? Notwithstanding that the price of crude oil is lower than it was a year ago, the retail price keeps going up. Petroleum industry execs tell us that the current situation is all because of market demands and refining capacity and we accept that lame excuse and go on paying exorbitant prices at the pump.

And we’re the same Milquetoasts who let banks tack on fee after user fee and dole out minuscule interest rates on savings accounts in the face of record-breaking profits. The financial community assures us that they can’t make a go of it unless they can increase their customer charges and we do nothing except watch them laughing all the way to their own bank.

The height of this institutional arrogance is the recent offer by one unnamed, two-initialled bank to give a free iPod to anyone who becomes a new customer. What does this say to existing customers who have loyally conducted their business with that bank for years? It says we don’t really care about you because we know you’re too stupid to do anything about it.

Banks and oil executives at least try to justify their usurious ways. But book sellers don’t even bother making excuses. Despite a Canadian dollar that’s almost at par with its U. S. counterpart, publishers continue to feature Canadian pricing that’s typically 40% above the listed American price.

If a best seller lists for $19.99 American, we shouldn’t mind paying $21.99 Canadian. But to fork out $27.99 is outright highway robbery. Yet we just accept this gross inequity and continue to fill the coffers of the publishers without complaint.

Doctors are another group that make us look stupid and gullible. Whenever they don’t like the employment deal offered here in Canada, some of them just up and leave for greener pastures in the United States.

Given that a doctor’s medical education is heavily subsidized by you and me as taxpayers, why would we allow them to thumb their noses at us and leave? Shouldn’t we be demanding a payback of the hundreds of thousands of dollars we invested in them before letting them quit the country? Or shouldn’t we at least require all medical students to sign on for five years of practise in under-served areas before setting them free?
The Stanley Cup is another example of our naivete and stupidity. As I recall, Lord Stanley donated the Cup to the champion ice hockey team of Canada, not the winner of the National Hockey League playoffs. Why would we allow our national trophy to be governed by a rinky-dink league that bends over backwards to accommodate its seldom-watched, American-based teams?

The NHL’s hold on the Stanley Cup is tenuous, at best. All it would take would be a concerted effort by a few diehard Canadian hockey fans to bring the trophy back home. But don’t hold your breath waiting for that day to arrive.

We Canadians have a reputation for being polite and nice. To outsiders, that’s how it appears. But the truth is that we’re not so much nice and polite as just downright stupid. Americans don’t tolerate being treated like second-class citizens by corporations and government. Why should we? So let’s start grousing and complaining. And let’s start taking some positive action. If that giant bookstore won’t sell you the book at a fair exchange on the U. S. dollar, don’t buy it. If that unnamed bank won’t give you an iPod, take your business elsewhere. Lobby for the return of a nationally-owned oil company and fight for provisions that will ensure doctors serve the citizens who paid for their education. Who knows? We might even get smart enough to start a professional Canadian Hockey League and take back the Stanley Cup once and for all. Then again, given our world-leading levels of marijuana consumption, maybe we’re just destined to be dopes.

Random Theatrics

"Ballet and music fans at home and abroad are eagerly awaiting Thursday evening's premiere of the Alberta Ballet production set to the artwork and music of Joni Mitchell."
- CBC.ca Arts - February 8, 2007

"Canadian director David Cronenberg has teamed up with tenor Placido Domingo and Oscar-winning composer Howard Shore to create an opera based on Cronenberg's 1986 movie, The Fly."
- CBC.ca Arts - February 17, 2007

Today’s impresarios don’t wait for artistic minds to create. Instead they randomly generate ideas for new theatrical and musical creations. Check out these upcoming productions:

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Broadway meets Wall Street in this highly entertaining musical version of everybody’s favorite self-help tome. Slated for a fall opening in the famed Gershwin Theatre, "7 Habits" features a storyline by author Steven R. Covey and a half dozen catchy tunes by the self-help composing team of Marvin Hamlisch and Barry Manilow. From the haunting "Time Management Matrix" to the show-stopping "Sell! Sell! Sell!", this soon-to-be-blockbuster will have patrons humming themselves to a brand new life.

Marley and Me
Not since "Cats" has there been an anthropomorphic animal production that touches the soul like "Marley and Me." This elaborate modern dance production features the steps and missteps of America’s favorite dog as presented by the Paul Taylor Dance Company. Backed by a twenty-member canine chorus, Marley sings and dances his way into your heart as the entire troupe does a marvelous job of portraying a dog’s life through dance. Eating, chewing, biting, barking and outright disobedience. They’re all brought to life on the dance stage thanks to the unique choreography of the soon-to-be-famous team of Fido and Rex. Opens October 5th for a limited engagement at the Tribeca Performing Acts Center and Animal Shelter.

Spaceballs
The Metropolitan Opera Company is thrilled to announce that it will be adapting the venerable film comedy "Spaceballs" to the stage for its upcoming season. "We have long admired the cinematic work of Mr. Mel Brooks," said the Met’s artistic director. "First with ‘The Producers’ and more recently with ‘Young Frankenstein’, he has demonstrated a proven track record when it comes to translating film to live theater. We anticipate similar success with our operatic version of one of the lesser known works from his oeuvre." Rick Moranis is expected to reprise his role as Dark Helmet. Sadly, Joan Rivers is reportedly unavailable for the part of Dot Matrix but negotiations are underway to engage Dom DeLuise to sing the role of Pizza the Hutt.

Harry Potter’s Planets Like Gustav Holst’s famed seven-movement orchestral suite, the seven books of the Harry Potter series lend themselves perfectly to a new symphonic work. The New York Philharmonic will perform the world premiere of this five-hour piece jointly conducted by Loren Maazel and Sting. J. K. Rowling composed the score which reportedly helped fill the empty days for the retired author after the self-inflicted death of her favorite character Dumbledore. Each movement is named after one of the seven Harry Potter books except for the finale which is called "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Unending Residuals."

The CBS Evening News
The story of the Tiffany network’s famed newscast told in dance by the Joffrey Ballet. The principal dancers play the roles of the CBS anchors from Edward R. Murrow to Katie Couric while dancing with portable teleprompters. Relive American history in the televised era through elaborately mimed renditions of everything from the Bay of Pigs fiasco to the fall of the Berlin Wall. It’s history like you’ve never seen it before and likely will never see it again.

Springtime for Hitler
This Broadway season promises to be wall-to-wall Mel Brooks with another celluloid to stage transformation. But instead of adapting another of Mr. Brooks’s movies, famed producer Harold Prince has captured the "play within the play", the unexpected smash musical at the heart of "The Producers." Not satisfied with simply staging the original Nazi-themed musical, Prince has rewritten the work as a serious drama. Look for either Richard Gere or Tony Danza to be cast as the misunderstood führer.

The Prez

"The Prez"
by Richard Cheney

Wherein the advisor to the family Bush instructs its members in the gaining, regaining and exercise of power. Written in the year 2000 but not yet published.

Chapter I How Many Kinds Of Prezs There Are And By What Means They Are Acquired
All states that have held and hold rule over men have been and are either republics or principalities and are ruled by prezs. A prez may be elected democratically or, more easily, can win victory through hereditary means. Where a prez has achieved hereditary power, his tenure is more likely to be lengthy.

Chapter II Concerning The Acquisition Of Power Through Other Than Democratic Means
Moral principles must yield to every circumstance. Do anything to acquire and maintain power. It is possible to acquire power through democratic means but it is difficult and not entirely satisfactory. Where a contender is from a family that has previously ruled, it is easier to circumvent the democratic process. Ensure that family friends are highly placed throughout the judiciary. Then any voting disputes or irregularities can be kept out of the hands of the electorate and instead be entrusted to the courts.

Chapter III Concerning The Retention Of Power In The Face Of Popular Unrest
Whenever the democratic process dictates a second election, a sitting prez must ensure that the reputation of any opponent be severely undermined. After a term of four years, the people will not be happy with the incumbent. However, it is a simple matter to tar the reputation of any pretender with the twin brushes of cowardice and indecision. The sitting prez must not be involved in such exercises but instead should leave them to friends and veterans. At all times, be sure to disregard the connection between ethics and politics.

Chapter IV How A Prez Should Conduct Himself As To Gain Renown
It is important to obtain a popular reputation among the people without actually doing anything for them. The wealthy must be rewarded with large tax cuts but the general populace can be won over simply by pretending to be one of them. Promise only undefined concepts such as freedom and compassionate conservatism.

Chapter V Concerning The Way In Which Prezs Should Keep Faith
A wise prez should not be hated. It is best to be feared and loved although if one cannot be both, it is better to be feared. Make efforts to appear religious to sway the populace. Proclaim faith, friendship and humanity while acting in direct opposition to those qualities. One who claims to be born again will gain popular support without needing to fulfill any promises. People see what you appear to be; few really know what you are.

Chapter VI That Which Concerns A Prez On The Subject Of The Art Of War
A prez ought to have no other aim or thought than war and its rules and discipline. And his highest aim is to complete the unfinished wars fought by his ancestors. When an opportunity arises to complete that work, a sitting prez will connect that opportunity in some manner, no matter how fleeting or tenuous, to the unfinished goal. He must find an excuse to invade and, if necessary, invoke the doctrine of the unilateral, preemptive strike. To be seen as decisive, it is better to be impetuous than cautious.

Chapter VII Concerning The Secretaries Of Prezs
The choice of servants is of no little importance to a prez. A prudent prez should have a select group of wise counsellors to advise him truthfully on matters even when he does not inquire of them. Of utmost importance is to choose a vice prez wisely for this is a position that is neither executive nor legislative. I urge you to name me as your servant to effect a search for someone to fill that post and trust that I will choose the best available candidate. At that point, it will be an easy matter to select the various secretaries needed from among my friends.

Chapter VIII How To Avoid Defeat
He who causes another to become powerful ruins himself. Thus, be wary of devolving power to others. Except, of course, in the case of your humble servant who you can trust implicitly.

Conrad's Friends

Conrad Black has been found guilty and now faces the possibility of a lengthy prison sentence. Not surprisingly, he has apparently been asking his friends for help and advice as evidenced by the following recent e-mails:

TO: Lord Black of Crossharbour
FROM: Paris Hilton
How nice of you to write. I’ve never heard of you but my daddy says you’re one of us so I’m glad to answer your questions. Since I was only in the "slammer" for three weeks, I’m not sure what to tell you about adjusting to prison life. In my experience, so long as you have access to a phone and the media, the time passes pretty quickly. And a word to the wise: if you bat your eyes and shake your booty, you’ll probably get a few extra perks. At least that’s how it worked in my prison.

TO: Conrad
FROM: Scooter
Hey, tough break. I know what you’re going through what with the jail term, the fine and the public humiliation. But listen, if you’ve got any dirt on Bush or Cheney, there’s a "Get Out of Jail Free" card waiting for you at The White House. Even if you don’t know any secrets, just pretend that you do. They’re so scared now that they’re handing out pardons and commutations like they’re candy.

TO: Blackie
FROM: W
Sorry to hear about that guilty verdict, Blackie. Sure thought you were going to beat the rap. I guess it’s a lot tougher than when I was screwing around with my SEC filings for Harken Energy. In case you didn’t know, the statute of limitations has run out on that one. So nice try, Blackie, but it looks like you’ll be doing time. See you when you get out.

TO: Mr. Black
FROM: Henry Kissinger
Thanks again for the Hollinger directorship. It was great fun doing nothing for all those fees. However, I’m afraid I can’t help you out. But if you’re even half as clever as I am, I’m sure you’ll find a solution. After all, I managed to get the Nobel Peace Prize while secretly bombing Cambodia. Surely you can beat a simple fraud charge.

TO: Lord Black
FROM: Martha Stewart
It is indeed an honor to hear from you even if you never deigned to write to me while I was in prison. But never mind. Us cons have to stick together, n’est-ce pas? Now as for your request for advice, the following tips might come in handy:
1. Don’t use fancy words.
2. Nobody likes a know-it-all.
3. Everybody loves a jailhouse lawyer.
4. Black accessories go with orange.
5. Bring your own truffles.
6. A toothbrush can be made into a decorative festive shiv.

TO: Mr. Conrad Black
FROM: Random House
Thank you for your recent book proposal. After careful consideration, we regret that we must pass on your suggested autobiography. Given the surfeit of white collar criminal autobiographies, we don’t feel that there is room in next year’s catalogue for another one. If you should succeed on appeal or if you are accused of murder, please try us again.

TO: Barbara Amiel
FROM: Your husband
[Message undeliverable. No known recipient at this address.]

Paris's Bible

While in jail, Paris Hilton apparently found God. She was recently spotted carrying a copy of the Bible and now says that her prison experience has changed her and made her "much more spiritual."
However, it appears that Ms. Hilton’s Bible is not the King James Version or the New International Version. Rather, it seems that she is reading from her own personal version of the scriptures as evidenced by the following passages:

Oprah 3:15
"Be not constrained by the bars of prison but go forth and announce your state to the world. Whomever you choose to call, do so with grace, modesty and a guaranteed 15% audience share."

Barbara 5:13
"Let not thy View be impaired by the darkness of your cell. For there is another cell called a phone which shall be thy lifeline to the throngs who long for news of your stay. Call when the spirit moves you and fear not that ye shall wake me for the good news is on a 24-hour cycle."

Phil 4:23
"And the child did lamp unto the feet of the healer and cried out: ‘Why have you forsaken me, Dr. Phil?’ But lo, I have not forsaken you my child but instead I have reserved a fortnight’s worth of episodes to bring you back into the fold."

2 FOX 6:12
"Know ye that wherever you go, God is with you as is FOX and all of her many channels. Praise the cable universe and the certain wealth that shall be rained down upon you at our most generous rates."

Numbers 2:23
"Yea though ye serve your full sentence, know that the numbers will continue to rise. Based on the findings of the ones called Neilsen and Gallup and Pew, surely you will be seen by more of the people than you could previously have imagined. Do the time and you will earn the abundance of the Lord."

Revelations 8:12
"And the people looked heavenward and cried as one: ‘Give us more news of the one they call Paris for we must know whereof she speaks!’ And the one called Paris looked down upon the masses and smiled for she knew that her penance would profit her for all time."

2 ET 4:26
"The picture taker will live with the gossip monger, the broadsheet will lie down with the tabloid, the news and the entertainment and the trivia together; and an overgrown child shall lead them."

New York, New York, New York

It looks like the 2008 Presidential race is going to be dominated by New Yorkers. First we have New York Senator Hillary Clinton vying for the Democratic nomination. Then there’s former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani who’s running for the Republican nod. And now it looks like New York’s current mayor, Michael Bloomberg, may make a run for the Presidency as an independent.

But that’s apparently not where it ends. The door is now wide open for even more New Yorkers to jump on the 2008 Presidential bandwagon as evidenced by these recently overheard statements of intent:

Ed Koch
"I can’t believe all these New York City mayors are running for President. What do they know? These guys are amateurs compared to me. If you want a guy with style and pizzaz, I’m your man. I’d run the country like I ran New York. Before you know it, there’d be a Broadway in every town in America and people would be calling this country U.S., U.S. - the nation so nice they named it twice."

Eliot Spitzer
"OK, I admit it. Sure I’d like to be President. Why the hell else do you think I took this two-bit governor’s job? Every New York governor from Pataki to Cuomo to Rockefeller to FDR wanted to be President. Do you think anybody seriously wants to end his career in Albany? Yeah I was going to wait until 2012 but since New York is the flavor of the day, I’m throwing my hat in the ring now."

George Steinbrenner
"Let’s do it. Get rid of the current guy. What’s his name? Bush? Didn’t he run the Texas Rangers for awhile? Well you can see he’s about as good at running a country as he was at running a baseball team. If you want a real leader, you need me. I’m the guy who owns the New York Yankees, the best baseball team in the universe. Now it’s time for me to do for the country what I did for the Yankees. Vote for me and we’ll all be world champions again."

Donald Trump
"Sure, I’d consider running for President next year. Of course, it would be a bit of a demotion for me. But if that’s what the people want, I’m willing to make the sacrifice. Believe me, if I get in, there’s gonna be a lot of changes. First of all, I’d tear down The White House and build a big, fancy new high rise with a good residential-commercial split. Something all Americans could be proud of, a Washington Trump Tower if you will. It would be huge. And then I’d clean house. A lotta folks would get fired and then I’d bring in some of my pals to run things and turn a profit. Trust me, it would be fabulous."

Rosie O’Donnell
"Yeah, why not? Those broads on ‘The View’ are a real pain in the ass and since Bob Barker doesn’t want me to take over from him on ‘The Price Is Right’, I’ve got lots of free time on my hands. I gotta lotta opinions and I can yell real loud. So count me in, especially if that idiot Trump is running. Boy, I’d like to get my hands on that poor excuse for a hairpiece. Whatta chump."

Woody Allen
"Rosie’s running? OK, maybe I should run, too. What could it hurt? It’s not like anyone else is doing such a great job. Maybe I could be Vice President. It comes with a pension, right? So long as they make Manhattan the national capital, I wouldn’t mind at all. After all, it’s not like those movie residuals last forever, you know."

You Beg My Pardon

President Bush has commuted part of the sentence given to Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff, Lewis "Scooter" Libby, eliminating his prison term. Hard on the heels of this Solomon-like decision, the president has decided to issue the following pardons:

Paris Hilton
"I think it is tragic that Paris Hilton had to spend any time in jail. Just because she had a small problem related to drinking and driving is no reason to throw the book at her. Heck, if we took such a harsh stance in every such case, it’s no telling who might have ended up in jail. And while we’re at it, I want to pardon Ms. Hilton for her first CD. I think we’ve all suffered enough."

Barry Bonds
"It’s tough playing baseball day in and day out. I know. I used to watch these guys when I ran the Texas Rangers ball club. So if Barry needed a shot or two of something to keep going, I don’t think he should be punished for that. Plus, just like my win in 2000, there’s no need to put an asterisk after Barry’s name when he finally beats Hank Aaron’s home run record."

Britney Spears
"That nice young lady also deserves a pardon. Everybody seems to be picking on her for going a little wild after her divorce. These things happen. But if we imprisoned every young woman who did crazy things, Laura and I would be posting bail for Jenna and Barbara every other weekend."

Dick Cheney
"People are saying he did a lot of bad things like shooting a guy in the face, invading Iraq and making me appoint Roberts and Alito to the Supreme Court. I’m not sure about any of those. Plus I’m kind of scared of him. So I think it’s just best to pardon Dick and hope that he’ll leave me alone."

My Dad
"Yeah, he screwed up and should have finished the job in Iraq when he had the chance back in 1991. And while I’m at it, I’m pardoning him for any role he might have had in Iran-Contra just in case the statute of limitations hasn’t run out on that one. Hey, we all did some crazy stuff back in the 80s but that doesn’t mean we should have to pay for it forever."

John Kerry
"Those Swift Boat Veterans say you lied about your wartime heroics in Vietnam. Heck, I don’t know who to believe but at least you went to Vietnam. I don’t think you should be punished just because you weren’t smart enough to get a cushy spot in the Texas Air National Guard."

The American Voter
"You are hereby pardoned for not giving me a majority of the popular vote in 2000. It turned out that I didn’t need it after all. Plus you redeemed yourself by giving me that majority in 2004 even after all the crazy things I did."

Me
"I don’t make mistakes. That’s just the kind of guy I am. But other folks do screw up and in case they decide to come after me, I hereby pardon myself for everything and anything I may have done in the last six and a half years. Heck, make it a full eight just in case they try to nail me for future stuff, too."

Miscellaneous
"While I’m at it, I’d also like to pardon some other people including all those folks who gave me bad intelligence about Iraq. No real harm was done so I don’t think they should be punished. I’d also like to pardon all those comedians who kept making fun of the way I talk. Rest inured, I will not persecute them to the full extent of the law. A quick pardon, too, for that movie ‘Battlefield Earth’ and anything starring Sylvester Stallone or Madonna. As for the Dixie Chicks, I’m afraid they’ll have to wait for the next president. After all, I do have my limits."

Losing the Faith

"[Matthew Dowd] switched parties, joined Mr. Bush’s political brain trust and dedicated the next six years to getting him to the Oval Office and keeping him there....Looking back, Mr. Dowd now says his faith in Mr. Bush was misplaced."
- N. Y. Times - April 1, 2007

Although a number of top Republicans have recently expressed doubts about George W. Bush’s leadership, Matthew Dowd is the first from the President’s inner circle to publicly break ranks. But apparently he will not be the last if the following leaked memoranda are to be believed:

TO: POTUS
FROM: Karl Rove
Mr. President, I know that things have not been going your way of late. What with Katrina, the Iraq War and that district attorney business, I can see why some folks are getting upset with your style of leadership. But, as Margaret Thatcher once said to your dad: “Don’t go wobbly on me, George.”
I sense that you are beginning to think that diplomacy and compromise may be the answer to the problems facing you. If so, I fear that I cannot remain as your trusted advisor.
We have built your presidency on the firm basis of stonewalling and never admitting mistakes. To waver from that position now could endanger the entire house of cards we have built.
A house built of very rich cards if I do say so myself.
Just to let you know. If you decide to cut Al Gonzales loose, I’ll have to go public with my criticism. After all, if Al walks the plank, I figure I won’t be far behind.

TO: W
FROM: Vice W
What’s going on here, junior? We’ve got less than two years to go. Don’t wimp out on me now like your old man did. There are still some tax cuts we haven’t made yet and Halliburton is asking for some more Iraq “reconstruction” contracts.
Don’t let those Democratic majorities in Congress get you down. You’ve got something they don’t: a veto. Just because you\ve only used it once in over six years is no reason to be afraid of using it now. I figure we can ride that sucker all the way to January of 2009. And after that, who the hell cares? The Democrats are welcome to clean up the mess as far as I’m concerned. But if you start caving on any of these issues now, I’m going to have to take you quail hunting, if you get my drift. Just a word to the wise.

TO: Dad
FROM: Jenna and Barbara
Dad, please stop doing whatever you’re doing. We don’t know what specifically you’re up to but it sure is putting a crimp in our social life. Wherever we go, people are saying “Your dad’s not cool” and “Why is your dad screwing up so much?”
Just the other night, they wouldn’t even let us into the Pink Elephant Club in Manhattan. And I’ve given up counting the number of times guys ask us why we’re not serving in Iraq. Daddy, it’s really, really embarrassing. It’s not like anyone ever calls you on your soft service during the Vietnam War.
Anyway, just to let you know that we’re not going to take this much longer. Start doing things people like or we’re going to diss you. Sorry dad.

TO: George
FROM: Your mother
Well this is a fine mess you’ve gotten us into. I always knew you’d screw up. I told your dad eight years ago that he better make sure Jeb got the nomination, not you. But, no, he didn’t listen to me. He said you’d have to learn from your mistakes, that you couldn’t beat Gore anyway and blah, blah, blah.
I’m not going to say another word. But if you don’t straighten things out soon, I’m going to have to do an interview with Barbara Walters or maybe even that Oprah lady. Remember what happened when you didn’t clean up your room? Well you better get ready for both ears to get boxed this time, mister.