The Republican Handbook

TO: Potential 2008 candidates
FROM: The Republican National Committee

As we rapidly approach the new year, it’s time to think about candidate comportment for the 2008 campaign season. To that end, please carefully review the latest revised version of "The Republican Handbook for Candidates":

1. Don’t mention W, George W. or George W. Bush. As Republicans, we, of course, support our President. No need to state the obvious.

2. Before leaving home, make sure to use the washroom. When on the campaign trail, avoid using public washrooms. If you absolutely have to use one, then do not use the stalls. If you have no other choice, then do NOT tap your feet, use a wide stance or run your hand along the bottom of the divider.

3. When describing your opponent, use the words "liberal" and "socialist" as often as possible. Don’t hesitate to employ phrases like "cut and run", "tax and spend" and "soft on crime."

4. Whenever possible, mention Bill Clinton’s sexual improprieties. However, if your own sexual dalliances may become public, take the high road. If in doubt, call Newt Gingrich for advice.

5. Immediately destroy any campaign photos showing you with Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney or Karl Rove.

6. Avoid discussions about Iraq and Afghanistan. If pressed, claim progress in the War on Terror and paint Democrats as terrorist-loving appeasers. As a last resort, say: "We’re fighting them there so we won’t have to fight them here."

7. Pick a religion, any religion. Except maybe Islam or Scientology.

8. When stumped by a question or otherwise stuck for an answer, simply refer to 9/11. As in "My opponent seems to want to forget about 9/11" or "9/11 changed everything."

9. Always praise Ronald Reagan.

10. Don’t get divorced, at least not more than once. Don’t have sex with minors, particularly of the same sex. Don’t sexually harass others, especially if there are witnesses. Don’t cheat on your spouse, at least while in the continental U. S.

11. If you must withdraw, resign or otherwise step down, always claim it’s because you want to spend more time with your family.