President Bush has commuted part of the sentence given to Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff, Lewis "Scooter" Libby, eliminating his prison term. Hard on the heels of this Solomon-like decision, the president has decided to issue the following pardons:
"I think it is tragic that Paris Hilton had to spend any time in jail. Just because she had a small problem related to drinking and driving is no reason to throw the book at her. Heck, if we took such a harsh stance in every such case, it’s no telling who might have ended up in jail. And while we’re at it, I want to pardon Ms. Hilton for her first CD. I think we’ve all suffered enough."
"It’s tough playing baseball day in and day out. I know. I used to watch these guys when I ran the Texas Rangers ball club. So if Barry needed a shot or two of something to keep going, I don’t think he should be punished for that. Plus, just like my win in 2000, there’s no need to put an asterisk after Barry’s name when he finally beats Hank Aaron’s home run record."
"That nice young lady also deserves a pardon. Everybody seems to be picking on her for going a little wild after her divorce. These things happen. But if we imprisoned every young woman who did crazy things, Laura and I would be posting bail for Jenna and Barbara every other weekend."
"People are saying he did a lot of bad things like shooting a guy in the face, invading Iraq and making me appoint Roberts and Alito to the Supreme Court. I’m not sure about any of those. Plus I’m kind of scared of him. So I think it’s just best to pardon Dick and hope that he’ll leave me alone."
"Yeah, he screwed up and should have finished the job in Iraq when he had the chance back in 1991. And while I’m at it, I’m pardoning him for any role he might have had in Iran-Contra just in case the statute of limitations hasn’t run out on that one. Hey, we all did some crazy stuff back in the 80s but that doesn’t mean we should have to pay for it forever."
"Those Swift Boat Veterans say you lied about your wartime heroics in Vietnam. Heck, I don’t know who to believe but at least you went to Vietnam. I don’t think you should be punished just because you weren’t smart enough to get a cushy spot in the Texas Air National Guard."
The American Voter
"You are hereby pardoned for not giving me a majority of the popular vote in 2000. It turned out that I didn’t need it after all. Plus you redeemed yourself by giving me that majority in 2004 even after all the crazy things I did."
"I don’t make mistakes. That’s just the kind of guy I am. But other folks do screw up and in case they decide to come after me, I hereby pardon myself for everything and anything I may have done in the last six and a half years. Heck, make it a full eight just in case they try to nail me for future stuff, too."
"While I’m at it, I’d also like to pardon some other people including all those folks who gave me bad intelligence about Iraq. No real harm was done so I don’t think they should be punished. I’d also like to pardon all those comedians who kept making fun of the way I talk. Rest inured, I will not persecute them to the full extent of the law. A quick pardon, too, for that movie ‘Battlefield Earth’ and anything starring Sylvester Stallone or Madonna. As for the Dixie Chicks, I’m afraid they’ll have to wait for the next president. After all, I do have my limits."