Saturday, September 30, 2017

Trump Airlines

     Welcome aboard Trump Airlines. We’re pleased to provide you with the finest in no-cost, direct flight travel.
     We are the newest full-service airline in the country having recently launched our business on January 20th of this year. But unlike other airlines, we cater to a very exclusive clientele: Cabinet secretaries and other Cabinet-level appointees.
     You are part of a very important group of federal public servants. That’s why we tailor our services to meet your special needs.
     Trump Airlines recognizes that you have important work to do and can’t afford to be inconvenienced by regular commercial flights, passenger trains or even inter-city car services. When you have an important meeting coming up, you need to know that you’ll arrive there refreshed, on time and undisturbed by the ordinary traveling public.
     At Trump Airlines, we know what it’s like to give up a huge payday for a middling six-figure salary just to serve in a Cabinet position. We figure the least we can do is provide you with the best in transportation just like you had in your private sector life.
     Our CEO knows your situation well and appreciates the sacrifices you are making to help serve the nation and drain the swamp. After all, he’s working for the nominal sum of one dollar a year. That’s why he feels completely justified in using the queen of our fleet, nicknamed Air Force One, to frequently travel to his various resorts and golf clubs.
     And that’s why we’re providing you with top-of-the-line domestic and international travel on any one of our select military jets or private chartered aircraft. You are a very important person clearly deserving of our trademarked VIP® service and our privileged FOD® (“Friend of Donald”) status.
     Need to get from Washington to Nashville for an afternoon speech and lunch with your son but don’t have time for a two-hour commercial flight? Then book one of our private jets and cut your travel time by as much as fifteen minutes. And don’t worry about the $17,760 price tag; we’ve got you covered.
     There’s no reason you should have to travel ordinary business class, especially when many of your destinations are not available via a direct commercial flight or the flights are at awkward or inconvenient times. For example, it’s not easy to get to Georgia’s St. Simons Island Resort.
     That’s where we come in. Just give us a call and we’ll book you a Lear jet that will get you there in no time even on a Friday if your event happens to be on Sunday. And forget about your credit card; for you, the flight is free.
     As a responsible government agency, Trump Airlines will endeavor to meet any reasonable travel request although there are limits. We probably won’t be able to provide a $25,000-an-hour military plane for your European honeymoon but we’re more than happy to accommodate a solar-eclipse-watching trip to Fort Knox. Just ensure that you don’t exceed our annual limits of 25 flights or $400,000 or we might have to take disciplinary action.
     As the airline of the rich and privileged, we’ll get you where you want to go in luxury and style. Not only do we feature the best in drinks and haute cuisine, you’ll also earn valuable Trump Points that you can cash in for fantastic extras like Champagne, foie gras or a foot massage.

     So forget about all those incomprehensible commercial airline timetables and complicated booking procedures. Send us an e-mail with your travel request and we’ll have you on a private jet faster than you can say “I’m entitled.” Just make sure you don’t use your personal server.

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