Ted's Excellent Porn Adventure

"Cruz has watched porn on the Internet at least once, regardless of what happened on his Twitter account Monday night. He said so in his book “A Time for Truth: Reigniting the Promise of America.”

-        The Washington Post – September 13, 2017

     Recently, Ted Cruz’s Twitter account featured a link to a two-minute clip from a porn video. Senator Cruz explained that it was all due to a staffing issue but apparently he had drafted the following detailed explanation which was never released:

     First of all, I want to make it perfectly clear that I do not watch pornography on-line. I am an intelligent man and, if I was to engage in this seamy type of activity, I would have enough sense to restrict my porn viewing to off-line sources such as racy silent films and naughty French postcards.

     Yet even if I had that option, I would not intentionally view pornography in any form or medium. There is, of course, the possibility that I might accidentally watch such material if, for example, someone gave me a video entitled “Behind The White House Door”, “Deep Throat’s Favorite Parking Space” or “SCOTUS v. SCROTUM: The Supreme Court Bangs Out Another Decision.” It’s only natural that I would assume such a video was an educational political documentary requiring careful viewing right to the end or at least to the climax.

     As I have previously noted, I did watch pornography as a 26-year-old Supreme Court law clerk doing research for some of the justices. I guarantee you that I did not enjoy it; it was simply part of my job and nothing more. The fact that I may have taken some videotapes home for viewing is evidence only of the long hours a law clerk must put in and not my personal preference.

     As for the two-minute lewd video clip linked to my Twitter account, I have not repeatedly viewed it and, for the most part, I condemn it. Its only redeeming feature is that it involves a stepmother, her stepdaughter and the stepdaughter’s young male friend and thus could arguably qualify as being “family friendly.”

     Needless to say, I am enraged, if not engorged, by the subsequent misuse of my name in recent pornographic offerings. It’s one thing to be featured in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Sex Adventures”; it’s quite another to be associated with “Forest Hump: Ted’s Cruising Days.”

     Perhaps the most egregious example of the sexual exploitation of my good name is the recent release “Corporal Ted of the Royal Canadian Mounting Police.” This licentious film apparently features a Ted Cruz-like character and several horses engaged in what can only be described as unnatural acts, even for me.

     All of this has stiffened my resolve to fight this wave of libelous smut. It should come as no surprise that I intend to thrust myself into the public arena and erect whatever barriers I can to protect my until now unblemished sexual reputation.