With every passing month, it is becoming
more and more apparent that having Donald Trump in the White House is a problem
or, as he might put it, a “huge problem.”
Recently, he flunked the simplest
presidential test by equating neo-Nazis and counter-protestors and failing to
provide moral leadership to the country in a time of need. Shortly after that,
he pardoned former Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio without cause and thereby
severely undermined America’s judiciary.
Over the horizon, more troublesome events
are already coming into view. Allegations of conflict of interest and outright
corruption are surfacing surrounding billionaire corporate raider Carl Icahn in his former role as
special advisor to the president. And the Mueller investigation grinds slowly
on with the likelihood of more corruption and illegality being revealed.
From where I sit in Canada, it looks like
things can only end badly. It’s not likely that Trump will resign and, if
impeachment becomes a serious possibility, I fear that he may foment a crisis
or even start a war to distract Congress and the country.
A year ago, I proposed a solution: make
Trump America’s first monarch, King Donald I. More recently, talk show host
Jimmy Kimmel made a similar suggestion.
As tempting as this option is, it’s not
really that practical. After all, there is no royal structure in place in
America and, even if there was, making Trump king could set a dangerous
precedent. Plus, you’d still have him around as a giant annoyance.
As a close friend and ally, I think Canada
can help. Rather than make Donald Trump your king, we can offer a quasi-royal
solution: make him Canada’s next governor general.
Our governor general is the Queen’s
representative in Canada and therefore has many of the trappings of royalty. He
or she resides in Rideau Hall, a fancy estate in Ottawa, and occasionally gets
to participate in events surrounded by pomp and ceremony like the opening of
parliament and the Speech from the Throne.
Although not as flashy as an actual
monarch, the position of governor general should provide enough ego-gratifying
flair and pizzazz to satisfy Mr. Trump. Plus, you’d be doing us a favor.
First off, we’re right in the middle of
appointing a new governor general but we’ve run into a bit of a mess. It turns
out that the latest candidate, former Canadian astronaut Julie Payette, had an
unrevealed criminal matter stemming from her divorce. Thus, her appointment is
less than ideal and parachuting in Mr. Trump would alleviate us of that
problem.
And just so you don’t think that we’re
doing all this just out of the goodness of our heart, there is something else
in it for us: the maintenance of the North American Free Trade Agreement.
That’s right; if Donald Trump leaves the White House for Rideau Hall, he’ll
also be leaving behind his threats to junk NAFTA and we can get back to our
normal, stable trade relations.
So please give our offer some serious
consideration. From my perspective, it’s a win-win solution. You get to solve
the dysfunction in Washington and we get to solve our Julie Payette problem and
retain NAFTA.
And don’t worry about any negative
consequences here in Canada. The position of governor general comes with few,
if any, real powers and is basically ceremonial in nature.
It might be galling to have to listen to
Mr. Trump open a new bridge or shopping center or occasionally address
parliament. But that’s a small price to pay to restore sanity to your country
and avoid another world war.
So, what do you say America? Rather than
King Donald I, why not let us make your president our new governor general and
we can all sleep better at night?
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