Respect Our Dear Leader

 “Since he first came to power in January 2000, Mr. Putin and his allies have gone to great lengths to silence or undermine all critical voices in Russia.”

                                                     -        The New York Times – February 8, 2017

“North Korea has forbidden people from making sarcastic comments about Kim Jong-un or his totalitarian regime in their everyday conversations.”

                                                     -        The Independent – September 28, 2016

     It’s no secret that the notoriously thin-skinned Donald Trump is a big fan of Russian President Vladimir Putin. He may even be a secret admirer of North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un. All of which may explain the following rumored upcoming presidential executive orders:

Executive Order 13801

     Presidential press conferences will be open to all media outlets except those designated “fake news” by the President. There will be a public list of banned media which will be updated weekly by White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. For starters, it will include CNN, the Washington Post and the failing New York Times.

Executive Order 13807

     Media outlets banned under Executive Order 13801 which persist in reporting on the President or his administration will be punished according to the type of outlet. For example, newspapers will be subject to daily fines of up to $10,000 and television networks may have their broadcast license cancelled by the Federal Communications Commission. Websites whose names rhyme with the words “right heart” or “box screws” are exempted from this order.

Executive Order 13819

     In furtherance of maintaining respect for the high office of the President of these United States, it is hereby directed that our Dear Leader may not be referred to directly, indirectly or sarcastically with any phrase comprising the word “orange” including but not restricted to “Agent Orange” and “Orange Hitler.” Violation of this order will result in a fine of up to $500 and a requirement to provide a personal apology to President Trump.

Executive Order 13825

     It view of the various attempts to avoid Executive Order 13819, it is hereby decreed that no citizen may refer to the President by any phrase suggesting the color orange such as “Racist Clementine”, “Angry Creamsicle”, “Cheeto Jesus”, “Tangerine Mussolini” and “Prevaricating Pumpkin.” An offense under this directive will incur a penalty of no less than $1,000 and mandatory attendance at a one-week re-indoctrination camp conducted by Steve Bannon.

Executive Order 13829

     In view of the ongoing attempts to malign and impugn the President’s masculinity, it is henceforth forbidden for any citizen to mock, ridicule or otherwise make fun of the size of the President’s hands. As examples only, no one may use the phrases “Tiny Hands Trump”, “Baby Fingers Trump” and “Pixie Fingers Trump.” This order will also have retrospective effect regarding past uses of the expression “Short-fingered Vulgarian” particularly by one Graydon Carter. Punishment will involve the loss of one or more digits, hands and/or limbs. 

Executive Order 13833

     Given the repeated attempts to circumvent previous orders, it is hereby proclaimed that there will be a Presidential Nickname Commission whose function will be to review and either approve or disapprove proposed nicknames for the President. Examples of acceptable names are “The Donald”, “Supreme Leader” and “America’s Savior.” No examples of unacceptable names will be provided except to say that those submitting such names face a possible indeterminate stay in our nation’s premier reeducation facility in Guantanamo Bay.