Pardon Me

     Donald Trump’s recent pardon of Sherriff Joe Arpaio has generated a lot of criticism, many commentators saying that the President has abused his pardon power. Others have noted that the ad hoc nature of that pardon underscores the organizational chaos in the current White House’s decision-making process.

     As for that latter point, Americans should rest easy; inside sources have indicated that President Trump’s pardon-granting procedure is anything but disorganized and, in fact, is governed by a sophisticated application process. The following leaked pardon application form seems to confirm that observation:

OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE PARDON APPLICATION FORM

NAME:

ADDRESS:

RACE:  

GENDER:

POLITICAL AFFILIATION:

NET WORTH:

(Please note that the White House is an equal opportunity pardoner and will consider applications from many sides. However, transgender individuals and DACA enrollees need not apply.)

Please answer the following questions to the best of your ability:

1.     Are you an FOD or friend of Donald? As an FOD, can you convincingly disavow any such friendship if necessary?

2.    How much did you contribute to the Trump presidential campaign? If less than six figures, you may be required to provide written evidence of your claimed FOD status.

3.     If you are a Trump family member, you will automatically qualify for a pardon unless your given name is Tiffany or Ivana. If your given name is Donald or Donald, Jr. you can receive unlimited pardons as required.

4.     Any application in the name of Hillary Clinton is null and void.

5.     Please describe the nature of your crime, possible crime or intended crime. Preference will be given to those committing, having committed or intending to commit fraud, tax evasion or treason or those engaging in so-called conflicts of interest.

6.    Are you Russian or do you know any Russians? Have you ever been to Russia? Can you make a Black Russian?

7.     Do you know how to “Take the Fifth”?

8.    How many times have you stayed at a Trump hotel or played on a Trump golf course? Please attach copies of eligible invoices.

9.     Would you like to make a contribution to the President’s 2020 reelection campaign? How much? We accept cash, checks, major credit cards and PayPal although, as the President often says, “cash is king.”

10.    Any applicant having the surname Icahn, Koch or Murdoch will be granted an automatic blanket pardon so long as his application is accompanied by a statement acknowledging Donald Trump’s superior business acumen.

(N.B. - If you are a White House turkey and it is Thanksgiving, you will automatically be pardoned. Please note that, despite all contrary indications, Steve Bannon does not qualify.)