The Terrorists Lose

Stephen Harper today proudly announced that the War on Terror is officially over and that the terrorists have lost. The Canadian prime minister noted that recent events in Canada have definitively closed this chapter in world history.

"Think back to before 9/11," said Mr. Harper. "What were our biggest concerns? That’s right; Paris Hilton’s home video and Congressman Gary Condit’s dalliance with murdered intern Chandra Levy."

Since then, however, Canadians, Americans and Europeans have been obsessed with Osama bin Laden and international terrorism. What was once important to western culture seemed to have been lost in the midst of an ongoing clash of civilizations.

"If there was any doubt that things have changed," said the prime minister. "Two recent incidents have confirmed that it’s time to declare ‘Mission Accomplished’ and get on with what we do best."

Mr. Harper went on to detail those recent incidents which have restored western culture to its rightful place in the world.

"I think there can be little doubt that the media’s obsession with Billy Bob Thornton’s interview with Gian Ghomeshi on CBC Radio is a healthy sign that international terrorism is of little concern anymore," said Harper. "And, if there was any doubt, the extensive coverage of Britney Spears’s mediocre concert performance in Vancouver clearly makes the case."

Noting that both of these events took place in Canada, the prime minister was quick to acknowledge his country’s leading role in ending the War on Terror.

"Some people have criticized us for not pulling our weight in this conflict," said Harper. "But I think these recent events will silence those critics. Canada has clearly provided a welcoming milieu to rekindle the media’s obsession with celebrity, an obsession that underscores our great victory."

When asked to comment on Prime Minster Harper’s announcement, U. S. President Barack Obama was reluctant to declare an end to hostilities in the War on Terror. He did, however, acknowledge that the recent happenings on Canadian soil may well signal the end of what he called the Overseas Contingency Operation.