Abraham Obama

It seems that those who tried to draw parallels between Barack Obama and Abraham Lincoln may have got their wish. Both were Illinois politicians who won the presidency. Both took office in the midst of a huge national crisis. And Obama even used Lincoln’s Bible when taking the oath of office.

But now the comparisons may be complete with the latest news out of West Palm Beach, Florida. It turns out that the much-used "red state-blue state" national divide was more than just a handy political metaphor. Right-wing radio host Rush Limbaugh has apparently led a revolt that has launched America’s second civil war.

Calling on all red states to join the new Confederacy of Conservative States of America, Limbaugh pointed to recent decisions by Barack Obama that have irremediably divided the nation. Blaming the ills of America on the socialist maneuverings of the Democrats, the rotund conservative urged all "right-thinking" and "right-leaning" Americans to join the CCSA.

"I simply can no longer abide the liberal nonsense coming out of places like Los Angeles and New York," said Limbaugh. "If those east coast and west coast crazies want to destroy the nation, they’re not going to take us down with them."

Within days, red states from Montana to Georgia declared their independence and quickly joined the new confederacy. Just about every state from the Rockies to the Gulf of Mexico has joined up and others are threatening to do likewise.

President Obama has placed National Guard troops on alert all along the red state-blue state border which has quickly become known as the Olbermann-Hannity Line. As most of America’s arsenal is owned by breakaway conservatives, The White House is reportedly under siege and could fall into rebel hands at any time.

The United States is quickly becoming unravelled. Those few remaining liberals in states like Texas and South Carolina are fleeing for northern destinations. Likewise, the handful of conservative residents of states such as Oregon and Massachusetts are already on the highways headed for points south.

President Obama addressed what is left of the United States and urged citizens to remain calm. "A house divided against itself cannot stand," said Obama. "And those conservatives are just downright crazy."

"Who you calling crazy?" said an incensed CCSA President Limbaugh. "Those Yankee liberals are going to destroy what’s left of America. Real Americans will join with us to create a new land of freedom, opportunity and opportunistic freedom."

As sporadic fighting broke out along the Ohio River and the Minnesota-North Dakota border, it became clear that a full-blown civil war was imminent.

"Well, it’s not the worst thing that could happen," said President Obama. "At least now no one will be bitching about Iraq and the economy."