This one appeared on the Op-Ed page of yesterday's Baltimore Sun:
With Sen. Barack Obama retaining a slight lead in the polls, Sen. John McCain today threw caution to the wind and made one of the most audacious running-mate choices in American political history. Seeking to gain the most media exposure bang for the buck, the Arizona senator and presumptive Republican presidential nominee has asked Ronald Reagan to join his ticket.
"I carefully considered all the possible candidates," said Mr. McCain. "And it was clear to me that Reagan beat them all, hands down. None of these guys today can hold a candle to the Gipper, dead or alive."
When questioned about Ronald Reagan's current breathing abilities, Senator McCain became visibly annoyed and reacted angrily.
"Yeah, duh, he's dead," said Mr. McCain. "So frigging what? He's going to be the vice president. It's not like we're asking him to do anything productive."
Further questioned about the constitutional hurdles his choice in the veepstakes faces, Mr. McCain turned a beet red and exploded at the assembled press corps.
"Read the document," shouted Mr. McCain. "Where in the Constitution does it say that the vice president has to be living? As far as I know, all he has to be is a native-born American who's at least 35 years old. Done and done."
At great personal risk, one reporter dared ask the senator about whether or not Mr. Reagan had agreed to run as vice president. Mr. McCain's aides physically restrained him from pulling a gun on the reporter as he screamed his reply.
"Of course he agreed," yelled Mr. McCain. "Do you think I'd be announcing his addition to the ticket if he didn't agree? Haven't you ever heard of the concept that silence implies consent? Well I think most people have, and when I put the question to Ronnie, he was about as silent as you can get."
The addition of Mr. Reagan to the Republican ticket is expected to buttress Mr. McCain's support among several key demographic groups, including Florida seniors, Reagan Democrats and the legion of dead voters in select Chicago precincts.
To counter Mr. McCain's surprise move, Barack Obama made his own unconventional choice for a vice presidential running mate: himself.
"That's right," said Senator Obama. "After vetting the short list of potential Democrats, it was blindingly obvious that I was by far the most qualified."
When questioned about the impossibility of succeeding himself as president if he dies in office, Mr. Obama assured American voters that in the unlikely event that he did die, he could just about guarantee a resurrection by the third day.
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