The Story Of W

An excerpt from "The Story of W", an anonymous insider’s tell-all account of the Bush Administration:

It’s time to tear the cover off the Bush Administration and I’m just the guy to do it. But just to be safe, I’m going to use a sudanym or a name de plumy or whatever the heck you call it. I’m going to write under an assumed name; that’s all I’m saying.

I can’t tell you who I am but I can tell you that I had a fairly responsible position in The White House. I didn’t make any of the major decisions but I was there when some of them were made.
Now a lot of people are picking on President Bush. They’re saying that he’s a bad guy, that he didn’t really apply himself and that he made a lot of bad choices.

That’s really unfair and I resent those characterizations. Not because it’s got anything to do with me but because they’re unfair criticisms of George W. Bush who I happen to know is a great guy.

Everyone’s always blaming Mr. Bush for things like Iraq, Afghanistan, Katrina, tax cuts for the rich, the huge national debt, the high price of gasoline and on and on and on. That’s just not fair. Heck, most of the time, the President didn’t even know about those things.

From what I can tell, it was guys like Dick Cheney and Karl Rove and Donald Rumsfeld who were stirring up all the trouble. I think they were doing all the thinking and planning and deciding and then, after the fact, they’d tell the President what they’d done. But by then, it was too late and he had to take responsibility or they threatened to tell everyone how things really worked in The White House. At least that’s the way I remember it.

What’s really unfair is that those guys got to leave without taking all the blame. First Donald Rumsfeld jumped ship and then Karl Rove bailed out. I think the only reason that Dick Cheney stayed is he figured the president might resign, too, and then he’d get to take over. But I fooled him on that one or I mean the president fooled him on that one.

Life On Mars

Since landing on the surface of Mars in May, the Phoenix lander has been sending back detailed information about the red planet. Not only has it discovered the existence of water, it has now also discovered actual life on Mars.

President Bush addressed the nation regarding this momentous scientific discovery and provided more details about the amazing find. According to the President, the Phoenix lander has identified actual Martian mammalian life in the form of giant, grey squirrels.

"I am pleased to announce that American space technology has succeeded once again," said President Bush. "And we now know that there is life on Mars."

Apparently the Martian squirrels are much like Earth-based squirrels except that they are ten times bigger and capable of interplanetary travel. Pictures beamed back from the lander reportedly provide evidence that the interstellar rodents have recently travelled to Earth.

"The Martian squirrels have visited us," said the President. "And returned to their home planet with many surprising items."

In fact, the hordes of Earth items found on Mars include the answers to a number of recent mysteries.

"These Martian squirrels apparently took several bags of uncounted Florida votes from the 2000 election," said Bush. "And Phoenix’s camera has sent back images suggesting that the vast majority of those votes were for me."

The President went on to explain that the giant Martian squirrels had also stashed away some yellowcake uranium from Niger.

"It turns out that our intelligence was right all along," said Mr. Bush. "There was yellowcake uranium destined for Iraq. It’s just that those darned squirrels intercepted it and took it back with them to Mars."

According to President Bush, the most surprising find from the Phoenix lander images is the existence just below the surface of Mars of giant stashes of weapons of mass destruction. Arabic writing on the weapons leaves little doubt that they were originally from Iraq.

"Those danged giant squirrels found Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction before we did," said Bush. "And took them home to Mars on their spaceships."

President Bush stated that he felt completely vindicated in the decisions he made since 2000 and asked for an apology from those who doubted the wisdom of his actions. Joining him at the Presidential podium was a giant Martian squirrel who confirmed all of the President’s statements. In another remarkable coincidence, the giant squirrel sounded almost like Vice President Cheney.

The Couillard Pandemic

News item: An editorial in The Canadian Medical Association Journal states that Canada is the worst prepared of the developed countries to deal with the next pandemic.

Ottawa has been hit hard by a highly contagious strain of influenza called the Couillard Flu. Medical experts fear this may be the long-awaited pandemic. If so, it appears the government has failed to take adequate measures to protect itself from this new bug.

"This Couillard strain appears to be very dangerous," said Canada’s Chief Medical Office Dr. Seymour Butts. "If you have any contact with the virus, you will quickly become infected and, within 48 to 72 hours, almost certainly lose your job."

Although the new flu strain (also known as the Biker Flu) is highly toxic, there are steps that can be taken to reduce the risk of infection. The Chief Medical Officer is urging those in government to wash their hands and their money frequently and to avoid any insecure intimate personal contact. They are further advised not to leave any personal effects or papers lying about which could lead to rapid exposure.

"If you suspect you may have been exposed to the Couillard virus," said Dr. Butts. "Seek immediate political attention and do not speak to or associate with any MPs, cabinet members or senior officials."

The Couillard strain is so strong that virtually everyone who comes in contact with it will suffer severe consequences. Once it infects the patient, the course of the disease is rapid and certain.
"Initially there is a tendency for those exposed to Couillard to deny that they have been in contact with the virus," said Dr. Butts. "But when faced with the evidence of their condition, they eventually accept the inevitable."

Epidemiologists fear that the Couillard Flu may rival the Spanish Influenza of ninety years ago. Even young, healthy bureaucrats are not immune although, to date, it has only struck down males.

"The fear is that this strain may be as bad as the Munsinger Flu of fifty years ago," said Dr. Butts. "And that it may rapidly spread and bring down the entire government."

At first the Couillard Flu appeared to be restricted to senior government cabinet ministers. But now it has also spread to the executive ranks of the bureaucracy and threatens to infect the Prime Minister’s Office.

Prime Minister Harper has urged Ottawa’s medical community to come up with a vaccination to counter this new deadly pandemic. So far, experts have been unsuccessful in doing so although they have made some progress in identifying those who have immunity.

"We are encouraged to note that large segments of the Ottawa community apparently remain uninfected," said Canada’s Chief Medical Officer. "Including those who do not form the government and those who have ethical standards and a high resistance to undue influence."

"Whatever the course of this new pandemic, two things are certain," said Dr. Butts. "It will run its course and it will eventually happen again."

Harper v. World

Stephen Harper’s lawsuit against senior Liberals for libel regarding the Chuck Cadman affair is apparently the first one launched by a sitting prime minister. But if the Ottawa rumor mill can be believed, it won’t be his last. Look for these upcoming lawsuits by our litigious leader:

Harper v. CBC
Stephen Harper is known to be a big hockey fan but not a fan of the CBC. That’s why he’s taking the People’s Network to court over their bungled negotiations to secure continuing rights to the "Hockey Night in Canada" theme song. For losing the iconic tune to CTV, Harper wants CBC to pay and pay big. The PM is reportedly asking for unspecified damages and an order in the nature of prohibition preventing the "pinko" network from ever saying mean things about him again.

Harper v. Cabinet
Known as the ultimate Canadian micro-manager, Stephen Harper is now looking to formalize his tight control over the federal cabinet. After the Maxime Bernier affair, the Prime Minister is loathe to allow any MP to achieve and wield ministerial power. He will therefore be seeking a series of injunctions stopping any minister of the Crown form acting without Mr. Harper’s personal OK.

Harper v. Clark
Harper missed the recent hanging of the official portrait of former Prime Minister Joe Clark in Parliament’s Centre Block. It’s clear, however, that that’s the only Clark hanging he would want to miss. But until that unlikely day, the current PM is doing the next best thing: taking Joe Clark to court to stop him from reminding voters of what the Tories used to be. Harper is looking for an all-purpose gag order to prevent Mr. Clark from using the terms "social progressive", "red Tory" or "Progressive Conservative" ever again.

Harper v. Canadian Media
Whether it’s radio, TV or print, the Prime Minister has no use for Canada’s media. Although he recognizes that they are a necessary nuisance, he’s taking them to court to ensure that they pick on everyone but him. Mr. Harper is asking for an order giving him final approval on any quote or photograph with an option to Photoshop any of the latter to remove excess fat and/or down vests.

Harper v. Black
Mr. Harper has no particular beef against Conrad Black. In fact, in many ways, he finds Mr. Black a commendable fellow. But the PM knows the law of the jungle - i.e. - the spoils go to the meanest, nastiest s.o.b. Mr. Harper figures if he sues the Lord of Litigation, no one will have the nerve to go after him for years to come.

Harper v. Canadian Electorate
The Prime Minister has apparently reached the end of his political rope with Canadian voters. No matter what he does, he can’t seem to get more than 37% of us to support his party. Rather than continue trying to appeal to the electorate with more GST reductions and family-related tax credits, he will be asking the Federal Court of Canada for an order of mandamus compelling at least an additional 10% of voters to cast their ballots for the Tories in order to obtain that elusive majority government he so longs for.

Is Nothing Sacred?

Is nothing sacred? Apparently not as the CBC jettisons the Hockey Night in Canada theme song and opts instead to launch a $100,000 contest to pick a successor tune.

But is it really as simple as that? Can the CBC simply dump the "Dum-da-dum-da-da" song and replace it with something else?

Of course they can. But beware; if CBC management can get away with this egregious assault on our common culture, there’s no telling where it will end.

If the song goes then so, too, might other icons of the ice. If "Dah-da-dah-da-dah" is no more then it’s only a matter of time until we can say goodbye to "Coach’s Corner" as well.

After all, six years ago the CBC was ready to dump everyone’s favorite second banana Ron MacLean. And wasn’t it just four short years ago that it looked like the CBC wasn’t going to renew the contract of our national clown Don Cherry? If "Doo-do-do-doo-do" is gone, then what’s to stop the People’s Network from giving the boot to Canada’s most beloved duo since Rusty and Jerome?

And that’s just the beginning. If the CBC has its way, the HNIC theme’s swan song will be the first in a never-ending series of changes to everything that binds us together as Canadians.
If "Da-da-da-da-dah" goes then, just as surely as the first intermission follows the first period, you can also say goodbye to Bob Cole. Like the song, he’s been around for forty years and maybe, to those at the CBC, is starting to show his age.

But what would "Hockey Night in Canada" be without the sonorous, somnolent tones and the obvious oversights and omissions of our nation’s favorite play-by-play man? Except for the late, great Forster Hewitt, there’s no better Leafs-lover to butcher the language and mangle the play calling than our own Mr. Hockey.

But that won’t be the end of it. With the song, Ron, Don and Bob gone, it won’t be long before the CBC remakes the entire game.

With its broadcasting clout, the network may well force the NHL to change some rules. If the CBC brass have their way, we could easily see the end of fighting in hockey and the reduction of our national sport to a pitiful display of skating, passing and shooting.

The CBC must be stopped now. If they can kill our beloved "Da-da-da-dah-duh-dah", there’s no telling what damage they can do to the game we love.

Hillary's First Draft

First draft of Hillary Clinton’s concession speech found in her office wastebasket:

It is time. It is time for our campaign to take stock of what we have accomplished and to acknowledge the hard work of thousands of volunteers who brought us so close to the nomination. Without your tireless efforts, I could not be standing here before you today.

And it is time for healing. In the thrust and parry of electoral politics, harsh words are spoken and things are said which perhaps ought not to have been said. But it is time to put all that behind us and move on.

Most of all, it is time to come together and consolidate our gains and move forward. I know many of you are disappointed that we lost to a younger, less-experienced male. But we must not dwell on the negative. We are bigger than that.

I know some of you have been urging me to consider the vice presidential nomination. You’ve argued that this would make for a stronger ticket. You’ve said that this would still be a great victory for our campaign, that being the nation’s first Vice President would strike a blow for women everywhere.

I have listened to your pleas and I have been touched and swayed by them. You are right; we have come too far to not make our great campaign stand for something. History will judge me harshly if I do not seize this opportunity now.

Yes, it is time. It is time to acknowledge that Senator Obama has achieved a majority of the delegates needed to claim the Democratic presidential nomination, albeit a bare majority.

Nevertheless, I do not want it to be said that I unduly prolonged this already far too lengthy race by continuing to claim the real victories of most votes won, most important states won and most white, redneck male supporters.

Never let it be said that Hillary Rodham Clinton didn’t know when to quit. Never let it be said that I caused damage to the Democratic Party. But never let it be said that I ever gave up on the dream.

And so I congratulate Senator Obama on his victory and I wish him well in the future. And, yes, I will take that offer of the vice presidential nomination, just not from you Barack.

I have instead accepted John McCain’s generous offer to run with him on the Republican ticket. After all, the man is almost 72 years old and his health is questionable at best. I figure the chances are pretty good that, if we’re elected, I’ll be able to take over in the next two or three years. And then Bill can become Vice President and the dream can finally be realized.

Good night and God bless America.

On Beyond 27

Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the TV again, Congress has run amuck and changed the rules of the Presidential election. Now, instead of two Democratic contenders and one presumptive Republican nominee, the field may once again be crowded with new White House wannabes.

It all started in a drunken, late night joint session on Capitol Hill where two-thirds of the House and Senate passed Constitutional amendments just for the heck of it.

First to get approval was the 28th Amendment or as it is now known, Arnie’s Law. It does away with the provision that the President must be a native born American. As a consequence of this rash act, everybody from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Zsa Zsa Gabor has declared their intention to seek the presidency.

But Congress didn’t stop there. After a two-hour chugging contest started by Senator Larry Craig and six rounds of shooters paid for by Nancy Pelosi, the two houses managed to pass Amendment number 29 which will eliminate the age requirement for President.

Being younger than 35 will no longer be an impediment to having one’s finger on the nuclear button. Upon hearing this, every video game-playing teen and techno-dork from Miami to Seattle tossed their ballcap into the presidential ring.

Before the night was over, Congress went right over the top with the 30th Amendment. Some say it was the six-pack of Jamaican spliffs handed out by Senator Chris Dodd of Connecticut but it may well have been the mescaline-laced prune juice passed around by California’s Senator Diane Feinstein.

Whatever the cause, the result was disastrous since the 30th Amendment serves to repeal the 20th Amendment which set term limits on the presidency. Upon hearing the news, Bill Clinton shoved Hillary aside and made a mad dash to register his candidacy for the upcoming Democratic convention. Not far behind was George W. Bush looking to three-peat for the Republicans and Papa Bush trying once again for that elusive second term. Even Jimmy Carter forewent his afternoon nap to put his name forward for the nomination.

Luckily, the electoral chaos was short-lived as someone took the time to actually read the Constitution which requires that for any of these amendments to take effect, they must be passed by three-fourths of the state legislatures. Both Arnold and Bill said they’re prepared to wait.

How To Spend Your $600

Americans are starting to receive checks in the mail for their one-time 2008 tax rebate. For most, that means an extra $600 to do with as they please. But many are still wondering how to spend their upcoming windfall. Maybe they can be guided by what some other folks have already decided.

Coffee drinker Gary Dingledine of Queens knows where his rebate is going. With an extra two dollars a day to spend, Mr. Dingledine hopes to replace his daily morning tall coffee at Starbucks with a venti white mocha frappuccino.

Disgruntled investor Harvey Newman of Teaneck, New Jersey is looking to wallpaper his apartment on the cheap. Mr. Newman figures $600 can buy him 60,000 subprime mortgage certificates and a bucket of paste.

SUV owner Edith Bramwell of White Plains, N.Y. is thrilled with her $600 refund. She’s looking forward to once again using the words "fill ‘er up" at her local gas station, at least for the month of June.

Frustrated traveller Maurice Rosenberg of San Francisco figures his $600 check will finally allow him to cover all the additional charges and buy one of those $99 bargain airfares. With luck, he may even have enough left over to check two pieces of baggage.

Noted polygamist Warren Jeffs doesn’t figure he can do much with his $600 stimulus check. But since there’s an extra $300 payment for each child, Jeffs is hoping that the additional $120,000 will help spring him from jail.

Senator Larry Craig of Idaho has earmarked his $600 check for new vanity license plates. He’ll be trading in his old SEN IDA plates for either NOT GAY or TAP 2X.

Bill Gates has his eye on a supply of new batteries for his calculator. The Microsoft Chairman figures he’s going to need them in order to calculate how many billions he’ll make from the real tax cuts.

John McCain made no secret of where his $600 was going. The putative Republican presidential nominee has invested the entire amount in Metamucil and support hose.

Democratic frontrunner Barack Obama will be using his government windfall to change his middle name. Unfortunately, the only names available were Hitler, Stalin and bin Laden.
The tax rebate check couldn’t have come at a better time for Hillary Clinton. She’ll use it to reduce her campaign debt to $20,999,400.