Life On Mars

Since landing on the surface of Mars in May, the Phoenix lander has been sending back detailed information about the red planet. Not only has it discovered the existence of water, it has now also discovered actual life on Mars.

President Bush addressed the nation regarding this momentous scientific discovery and provided more details about the amazing find. According to the President, the Phoenix lander has identified actual Martian mammalian life in the form of giant, grey squirrels.

"I am pleased to announce that American space technology has succeeded once again," said President Bush. "And we now know that there is life on Mars."

Apparently the Martian squirrels are much like Earth-based squirrels except that they are ten times bigger and capable of interplanetary travel. Pictures beamed back from the lander reportedly provide evidence that the interstellar rodents have recently travelled to Earth.

"The Martian squirrels have visited us," said the President. "And returned to their home planet with many surprising items."

In fact, the hordes of Earth items found on Mars include the answers to a number of recent mysteries.

"These Martian squirrels apparently took several bags of uncounted Florida votes from the 2000 election," said Bush. "And Phoenix’s camera has sent back images suggesting that the vast majority of those votes were for me."

The President went on to explain that the giant Martian squirrels had also stashed away some yellowcake uranium from Niger.

"It turns out that our intelligence was right all along," said Mr. Bush. "There was yellowcake uranium destined for Iraq. It’s just that those darned squirrels intercepted it and took it back with them to Mars."

According to President Bush, the most surprising find from the Phoenix lander images is the existence just below the surface of Mars of giant stashes of weapons of mass destruction. Arabic writing on the weapons leaves little doubt that they were originally from Iraq.

"Those danged giant squirrels found Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction before we did," said Bush. "And took them home to Mars on their spaceships."

President Bush stated that he felt completely vindicated in the decisions he made since 2000 and asked for an apology from those who doubted the wisdom of his actions. Joining him at the Presidential podium was a giant Martian squirrel who confirmed all of the President’s statements. In another remarkable coincidence, the giant squirrel sounded almost like Vice President Cheney.