Harper v. World

Stephen Harper’s lawsuit against senior Liberals for libel regarding the Chuck Cadman affair is apparently the first one launched by a sitting prime minister. But if the Ottawa rumor mill can be believed, it won’t be his last. Look for these upcoming lawsuits by our litigious leader:

Harper v. CBC
Stephen Harper is known to be a big hockey fan but not a fan of the CBC. That’s why he’s taking the People’s Network to court over their bungled negotiations to secure continuing rights to the "Hockey Night in Canada" theme song. For losing the iconic tune to CTV, Harper wants CBC to pay and pay big. The PM is reportedly asking for unspecified damages and an order in the nature of prohibition preventing the "pinko" network from ever saying mean things about him again.

Harper v. Cabinet
Known as the ultimate Canadian micro-manager, Stephen Harper is now looking to formalize his tight control over the federal cabinet. After the Maxime Bernier affair, the Prime Minister is loathe to allow any MP to achieve and wield ministerial power. He will therefore be seeking a series of injunctions stopping any minister of the Crown form acting without Mr. Harper’s personal OK.

Harper v. Clark
Harper missed the recent hanging of the official portrait of former Prime Minister Joe Clark in Parliament’s Centre Block. It’s clear, however, that that’s the only Clark hanging he would want to miss. But until that unlikely day, the current PM is doing the next best thing: taking Joe Clark to court to stop him from reminding voters of what the Tories used to be. Harper is looking for an all-purpose gag order to prevent Mr. Clark from using the terms "social progressive", "red Tory" or "Progressive Conservative" ever again.

Harper v. Canadian Media
Whether it’s radio, TV or print, the Prime Minister has no use for Canada’s media. Although he recognizes that they are a necessary nuisance, he’s taking them to court to ensure that they pick on everyone but him. Mr. Harper is asking for an order giving him final approval on any quote or photograph with an option to Photoshop any of the latter to remove excess fat and/or down vests.

Harper v. Black
Mr. Harper has no particular beef against Conrad Black. In fact, in many ways, he finds Mr. Black a commendable fellow. But the PM knows the law of the jungle - i.e. - the spoils go to the meanest, nastiest s.o.b. Mr. Harper figures if he sues the Lord of Litigation, no one will have the nerve to go after him for years to come.

Harper v. Canadian Electorate
The Prime Minister has apparently reached the end of his political rope with Canadian voters. No matter what he does, he can’t seem to get more than 37% of us to support his party. Rather than continue trying to appeal to the electorate with more GST reductions and family-related tax credits, he will be asking the Federal Court of Canada for an order of mandamus compelling at least an additional 10% of voters to cast their ballots for the Tories in order to obtain that elusive majority government he so longs for.