Cheney Changes His Mind

OFFICE OF THE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Press Release - April 1, 2008

The following is an official statement from Vice President Dick Cheney:

"Jesus Christ, what the hell are you folks thinking? You’ve got a broad and a black man running for the Democratic nomination and it looks like the frontrunner for the Republicans is an old guy who can’t even lift his arms over his head.

"I can’t abide the thought of this great country of ours being handed over to these jokers. Imagine the damage one of these clowns could do in the space of four years. In all likelihood, he or she would get us into an unnecessary war and increase the national debt beyond imagination.

"So that’s why I’ve decided to throw my hat into the ring as a candidate for President. Before all of you fuck things up beyond belief, I figured I’d give you a chance to set things right.

"After all, who’s more experienced than me? I’ve been running the country for the last seven years and doing one hell of a job, if I do say so myself.

"No, seriously, I’ve actually been running the country. That crybaby Bush took a pass on the Presidency on 9/11 and I had to take over. He couldn’t handle the job so he gave it to me and opted for a secret retirement to his ranch in Crawford, Texas.

"All those odd flights of Air Force One on 9/11 were just a ruse to get George to his ranch and me suited up for my new double role in Washington. Now you know why you rarely saw the two of us together. It might also help you understand that ‘puzzling’ overnight policy switch on Iraq.

"I don’t think George wanted to invade Iraq. Hell, I don’t think he could even spell Iraq. But after 9/11, it became my decision.

"I’m so glad to get this off my chest. Now I can finally get rid of that silly Bush mask and that goddamned mountain bike and be myself again.

"So that’s why I’m offering to be a candidate for the Presidency of these United States of America. Vote for me and we can continue my great legacy of accomplishment. Otherwise, I’ll have to shoot you."

Superdelegate

Look up in the late August Denver night sky. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s Superdelegate!

Superdelegate looks and sounds just like any other delegate. But he’s not. Unlike ordinary convention-goers, he has special powers of selection.

Whereas regular delegates are committed to vote for only one candidate, Superdelegate is unrestrained by the will of the people. He is free to choose whoever he wants for the good of the Party.

Superdelegate was born twenty-six years ago from a union of his parents, Geraldine of Ferraro and James of Hunt. He secretly lives as an ordinary Congressman or Democratic Party functionary and only appears as Superdelegate when the Party calls for his help every four years.

Before Superdelegate was born, the Party had been threatened by the will of ordinary delegates. In messy gatherings called conventions, they would vote to choose a Presidential nominee.

But being mere mortals, the ordinary delegates often chose foolishly and unwisely. They allowed the candidate with the most committed votes to win leading to such uninspired choices as McGovernman and Boy Carter.

Now the Party convention is again faced with a potential crisis. The committed delegates are unthinkingly riding a wave of emotion and charisma, looking to choose a new superhero called Osamaman to be the next nominee.

Osamaman is young and dynamic and possesses that most desired of superpowers: the ability to change. Whatever the issue, whatever the situation, Osamaman will promise to change it.

But another contender, Hillary Girl, wants to defeat Osamaman. She says he is too young, too inexperienced and not ready to govern from day one. She is asking for Superdelegate’s help to block Osamaman’s powers of change.

The choice is crucial because whoever wins this contest must face the Republican’s warrior, McCain the Ancient One. Superdelegate knows that Hillary Girl has the experience and deserves to wear the mantle of Democratic champion. But even Superdelegate has his limitations.

If exposed to the dreaded "democracy", Superdelegate’s powers weaken and he has no choice but to accede to the wishes of the majority. Against his better judgment, he may be forced to cast his vote for Osamaman and hope that his vaunted charisma can defeat the straight-talkingAncient One.

Look for the exciting November issue of your favorite comic book "Superdelegate and The Justice League" to find out who will win this titanic struggle.

Bush Conquers Mexico

In a last desperate attempt to rescue his legacy from the dustbin of history, George W. Bush today announced victory in his one-day war against Mexico.

"My fellow Americans," said President Bush. "Our troops have entered Mexico City and President Felipe Calderón has surrendered. Once again, mission accomplished."

Apparently the deteriorating American economy and the endless war in Iraq inspired Bush to make this daring move. Realizing that he had nothing to lose except perhaps his potential reputation as the next Warren G. Harding, Bush went for broke and sought annexation of Mexico as the country’s 51st state.

Despite the deployment of most American troops in the Middle East, President Bush was still able to mobilize sufficient troop strength to conquer America’s southern neighbor. Two battalions from Fort Hood in Texas and several thousand National Guard troops in SUVs and family vans were able to quickly strike deep into enemy territory.

In fact, U. S. forces met virtually no resistance as most Mexicans immediately realized that annexation by the Americans solved their primary problem: how to legally enter the United States. Subject to ratification by Congress, Mexico will shortly become America’s newest state.

"I believe this is a win-win-win situation," said President Bush. "We get Mexico, Mexicans get to become Americans and I get to dodge a bullet."

Rather than going down in history as possibly the worst president of all time, George W. Bush’s brilliant lame duck manoeuver may now secure him an historical ranking somewhere between Grover Cleveland and Millard Fillmore.

"I couldn’t be happier," said President Bush. "Not only have I solved our illegal immigrant problem and turned attention from Iraq, I’ve also taken a big step towards getting my kisser on Mount Rushmore."

Given the apparent success of the new Bush Doctrine, Canada is reportedly calling up its naval ship and both of its tanks in anticipation of an invasionary force from the south seeking to annex Canada as the 52nd state.

The Real 3 A.M. Calls

Hillary Clinton’s "3 A.M. Phone Call" campaign TV ad seems to have been effective. However, it may have been a bit misleading as these recently discovered transcripts of past late night calls to The White House demonstrate:

June 17, 1972 - 3:01 A.M.
"Hello?"
"The eagles have been captured."
"What? Who is this?"
"The jig is up."
"What are you talking about?"
"It’s me, Dick. Gordon Liddy. The guys got caught at the Watergate."
"I don’t know who you are or what you’re talking about. Is that tape recorder still on, Pat?"
(dial tone)

December 1, 1983 - 2:59 A.M.
"Hello?"
"Is Ron there?"
"Who is this?"
"It’s Mikhail Gorbachev. I’ve got to talk to Ron. It’s very important. It could save us both billions of dollars."
"Forget it, Mikhail. He’s dead to the world.. Try again tomorrow before his afternoon nap."
"But it may be too late by then."
"I’m sure it can wait. Good night."
(dial tone)

May 4, 1990 - 3:02 A.M.
"Hello. Who’s calling at this hour?"
"Ish jush me, shweedie. Look, I’ve had a bit to drink and I jush wanna say I’m sorry and I really, really love you. I really, really do."
"Who is this?"
"Whoa, wait a minute. You’re not Jane. What have you done with Jane?"
(dial tone)

January 28, 1993 - 2:57 A.M.
"Hello."
"Hi. Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"
"What? Who is this?"
"Is your refrigerator running?"
"Newt, New Gingrich - is that you?"
(dial tone)

June 15, 1996 - 3:04 A.M.
"Hello?"
"Pizza delivery. Large pizza for the president."
"What are you talking about?"
"Ma’am, I’ve got a large pepperoni with extra cheese for one William Jefferson Clinton."
"Oh, boy, not again. Just leave it with the guard."
"Ma’am, I need payment."
"Bill?"
(dial tone)

August 4, 1998 - 2:59 A.M.
"Yes."
"Is my Billy Willy snookums there?"
"Who is this?"
"Oh, sorry, bye."
(dial tone)

January 15, 2001 - 2:56 A.M.
"Huh?"
"Hi, George. It’s me, Al."
"Al?"
"Al Gore. You know, I used to be the next president of the United States."
"Al, that line’s gettin’ awfully lame and I need my sleep."
"Look George, how about you let me be Vice President again or Secretary of State or something, OK?"
"It’s over, Al. I won. Get over it."
(dial tone)

March 2, 2003 - 3:00 A.M.
"Hello. Who’s calling?"
"This is Kofi Anan, Madam First Lady. May I please speak to the President."
"No, I’m sorry. He’s asleep and he left clear instructions not to wake him."
"But it’s very important. We have indisputable proof that Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction."
"Well, I really can’t wake him or he’ll be very mad. How about I give you Dick Cheney’s number? I’m sure he can help."
"Thank you, Mrs. Bush."
(dial tone)

The New Patriot Act

By virtue of two-thirds majorities in both houses, Congress today overrode President Bush’s veto and passed into law Title 18, Part I, Chapter 28 of the United States Code, "An Act to regulate the use of persuasive techniques in the gathering of intelligence from enemy aliens" a.k.a. The New Patriot Act.

18 U.S.C. section 563 - Applicability
The provisions of this chapter shall apply to all residents of these United States irrespective of citizenship or country of origin and shall not be abrogated by any too clever-by-half exemptions such as Guantanamo Bay being part of Cuba.

18 U.S.C. section 564 - Geneva Conventions
Whereas we signed on to these conventions, we really ought to comply with them, don’t you think? That means no more weaselly outs like "illegal enemy combatant" or trying to "opt out" altogether to avoid prosecution under the War Crimes Act.

18 U.S.C. section565 - Cruel and unusual punishment
Considering that we try to kill convicted murderers painlessly, it seems only reasonable to inflict as little pain as we can on prisoners being interrogated. Without limiting the generality of the foregoing, the permissible level of pain that can be inflicted is definitely way below that which causes organ failure or death.

18 U.S.C. section 566 - Waterboarding
Come on now. This is torture pure and simple. No more waffling on this one.

18 U.S.C. section 567 - Use of music as a method of torture
The use of loud music for prolonged periods of time may be appropriate in limited circumstances. However, whenever possible, the detainee should be permitted to choose the type of music used. In all cases, however, the excessive use of any Céline Dion song or any cuts off "The Best of Meatloaf" album is deemed to be in violation of this Act.

18 U.S.C. section 568 - Specific prohibitions
Certain practices will be deemed to be unacceptable torture. No prisoner may be forced to listen to more than two consecutive recorded speeches by George W. Bush, to look at a picture of Dick Cheney for more than ten minutes or to view the director’s cut of "Ishtar" or "Days of Heaven" in its entirety.

18 U.S.C. section 571 - Penalties
Whoever knowingly violates any of the foregoing provisions is guilty of an indictable offense but chances are we’re never going to find out anyway so it’s not clear why we even bothered.

How To Become President

In America, it’s a given that anybody can grow up to be President. While technically that’s true, there’s definitely more to achieving this political dream than meets the eye. For aspiring national chief executives, here’s a short primer on how to eventually move into the Oval Office:

* Choose a major party - i.e. - Republican or Democratic. It doesn’t really matter which one since one or the other will alternately be out of favor with the electorate. With any luck, your pick will be hitting its peak at the same time you are. Avoid third parties unless your net worth is in the high ten figures.

* Pick a religion, any religion. Well, any religion that recognizes Christ as your personal savior and isn’t too flaky. Profess to be born again, whatever that means, and be sure to attend church services at least once a week and pray daily even if it’s only for your own nomination. But remember, no prayer mats or head coverings.

* Adopt a handy label to describe your political philosophy. Choose one word from column A and one from column B. For the foreseeable future, avoid any use of the word liberal to describe yourself.

Column A
compassionate
social
American
fiscal
modern

Column B
progressive
patriot
conservative
traditionalist
uniter

* Select any two of the following shorthand descriptions to apply frequently to your nearest rival:

- soft on crime
- flip-flopper
- tax and spend liberal
- weak on foreign policy
- friend of Bush (or Bill)
- bitch

* Court Hollywood stars for high profile endorsements but avoid any of these:

- Pee Wee Herman
- Paris Hilton
- Tom Cruise
- Mel Gibson
- Barbra Streisand
- Fred Thompson

* Canvass donations from any and all sources unless the media indicate they are:

- special interest groups
- involved in the non-traditional pharmaceutical sales industry
- wearing orange jumpsuits
- Saudi Arabian
- Canadian

* You’ll need at least $100 million to conduct your campaign. That sounds daunting but remember, that’s only fifty cents per eligible voter. When you factor in six and seven-figure contributions from unidentified special interest groups, it’s not that big a deal.

* Start early, really early. For example, the next Presidential election is almost a year away. But if you’re just thinking about running now, you’re far too late. In fact, unless you’ve set up an exploratory committee or two and raised at least a few million bucks, you may be too late for 2012. A good rule of thumb is to plan ahead at least the number of years you expect to serve.