Thursday, March 27, 2008

Cheney Changes His Mind

Press Release - April 1, 2008

The following is an official statement from Vice President Dick Cheney:

"Jesus Christ, what the hell are you folks thinking? You’ve got a broad and a black man running for the Democratic nomination and it looks like the frontrunner for the Republicans is an old guy who can’t even lift his arms over his head.

"I can’t abide the thought of this great country of ours being handed over to these jokers. Imagine the damage one of these clowns could do in the space of four years. In all likelihood, he or she would get us into an unnecessary war and increase the national debt beyond imagination.

"So that’s why I’ve decided to throw my hat into the ring as a candidate for President. Before all of you fuck things up beyond belief, I figured I’d give you a chance to set things right.

"After all, who’s more experienced than me? I’ve been running the country for the last seven years and doing one hell of a job, if I do say so myself.

"No, seriously, I’ve actually been running the country. That crybaby Bush took a pass on the Presidency on 9/11 and I had to take over. He couldn’t handle the job so he gave it to me and opted for a secret retirement to his ranch in Crawford, Texas.

"All those odd flights of Air Force One on 9/11 were just a ruse to get George to his ranch and me suited up for my new double role in Washington. Now you know why you rarely saw the two of us together. It might also help you understand that ‘puzzling’ overnight policy switch on Iraq.

"I don’t think George wanted to invade Iraq. Hell, I don’t think he could even spell Iraq. But after 9/11, it became my decision.

"I’m so glad to get this off my chest. Now I can finally get rid of that silly Bush mask and that goddamned mountain bike and be myself again.

"So that’s why I’m offering to be a candidate for the Presidency of these United States of America. Vote for me and we can continue my great legacy of accomplishment. Otherwise, I’ll have to shoot you."

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