In a last desperate attempt to rescue his legacy from the dustbin of history, George W. Bush today announced victory in his one-day war against Mexico.
"My fellow Americans," said President Bush. "Our troops have entered Mexico City and President Felipe Calderón has surrendered. Once again, mission accomplished."
Apparently the deteriorating American economy and the endless war in Iraq inspired Bush to make this daring move. Realizing that he had nothing to lose except perhaps his potential reputation as the next Warren G. Harding, Bush went for broke and sought annexation of Mexico as the country’s 51st state.
Despite the deployment of most American troops in the Middle East, President Bush was still able to mobilize sufficient troop strength to conquer America’s southern neighbor. Two battalions from Fort Hood in Texas and several thousand National Guard troops in SUVs and family vans were able to quickly strike deep into enemy territory.
In fact, U. S. forces met virtually no resistance as most Mexicans immediately realized that annexation by the Americans solved their primary problem: how to legally enter the United States. Subject to ratification by Congress, Mexico will shortly become America’s newest state.
"I believe this is a win-win-win situation," said President Bush. "We get Mexico, Mexicans get to become Americans and I get to dodge a bullet."
Rather than going down in history as possibly the worst president of all time, George W. Bush’s brilliant lame duck manoeuver may now secure him an historical ranking somewhere between Grover Cleveland and Millard Fillmore.
"I couldn’t be happier," said President Bush. "Not only have I solved our illegal immigrant problem and turned attention from Iraq, I’ve also taken a big step towards getting my kisser on Mount Rushmore."
Given the apparent success of the new Bush Doctrine, Canada is reportedly calling up its naval ship and both of its tanks in anticipation of an invasionary force from the south seeking to annex Canada as the 52nd state.