How To Become President

In America, it’s a given that anybody can grow up to be President. While technically that’s true, there’s definitely more to achieving this political dream than meets the eye. For aspiring national chief executives, here’s a short primer on how to eventually move into the Oval Office:

* Choose a major party - i.e. - Republican or Democratic. It doesn’t really matter which one since one or the other will alternately be out of favor with the electorate. With any luck, your pick will be hitting its peak at the same time you are. Avoid third parties unless your net worth is in the high ten figures.

* Pick a religion, any religion. Well, any religion that recognizes Christ as your personal savior and isn’t too flaky. Profess to be born again, whatever that means, and be sure to attend church services at least once a week and pray daily even if it’s only for your own nomination. But remember, no prayer mats or head coverings.

* Adopt a handy label to describe your political philosophy. Choose one word from column A and one from column B. For the foreseeable future, avoid any use of the word liberal to describe yourself.

Column A
compassionate
social
American
fiscal
modern

Column B
progressive
patriot
conservative
traditionalist
uniter

* Select any two of the following shorthand descriptions to apply frequently to your nearest rival:

- soft on crime
- flip-flopper
- tax and spend liberal
- weak on foreign policy
- friend of Bush (or Bill)
- bitch

* Court Hollywood stars for high profile endorsements but avoid any of these:

- Pee Wee Herman
- Paris Hilton
- Tom Cruise
- Mel Gibson
- Barbra Streisand
- Fred Thompson

* Canvass donations from any and all sources unless the media indicate they are:

- special interest groups
- involved in the non-traditional pharmaceutical sales industry
- wearing orange jumpsuits
- Saudi Arabian
- Canadian

* You’ll need at least $100 million to conduct your campaign. That sounds daunting but remember, that’s only fifty cents per eligible voter. When you factor in six and seven-figure contributions from unidentified special interest groups, it’s not that big a deal.

* Start early, really early. For example, the next Presidential election is almost a year away. But if you’re just thinking about running now, you’re far too late. In fact, unless you’ve set up an exploratory committee or two and raised at least a few million bucks, you may be too late for 2012. A good rule of thumb is to plan ahead at least the number of years you expect to serve.