In a surprise move, George W. Bush has today officially resigned as President of the United States. Vice President Dick Cheney was sworn in as the nation’s 44th chief executive.
"I hadn’t planned on stepping down," said Mr. Bush. "But recent events made the decision irresistible."
When asked if his sagging popularity and recent failed policy initiatives had precipitated the move, Mr. Bush seemed genuinely surprised.
"No, of course not," said the former President. "My team was on course to accomplish all kinds of things. I can’t think of a more mistake-free Administration."
Apparently Mr. Bush’s decision was instead inspired by recent media developments.
"When I saw that Katie Couric took over at the ‘CBS Evening News’," said Mr. Bush. "I knew it was time for me to go."
"I’ve always been a big fan of Bob Shieffer," he continued. "He’s from Texas, you know."
"So I figured if CBS was prepared to dump a good ‘ole boy like Bob," said the ex-President. "That wasn’t a good sign for me and my party."
Asked why he resigned now instead of serving out his full term, Mr. Bush said he was inspired by former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay and was doing it for the good of the nation and his party.
"I am proud of my record," said Mr. Bush. "But if my running for reelection in 2008 will harm the chances of the Republican Party, I refuse to allow liberal Democrats an opportunity to steal the presidency with a negative, personal campaign."
When reminded that the 22nd Amendment to the U. S. Constitution precluded him from running for reelection in any event, Mr. Bush was heard to say: "Oh, darn. Hey, do you know if NBC has filled that open slot on ‘The Today Show’ yet?"