Instrument of Surrender in the War Against Christmas
We, acting by command of and in behalf of all non-Christians, secularlists and Wal-Mart greeters, hereby accept the provisions set forth in the Nativity Declaration issued by the heads of the several Christian denominations and subsequently adhered to by the various hosts of cable network news shows hereafter referred to as the Yuletide Powers.
We hereby proclaim the unconditional surrender to the Yuletide Powers of the humanist-secularlist-liberal axis and of all non-believing armed forces and all non-believing armed forces under the Anti-Xmas Axis wherever situtated.
We hereby command all non-Christian forces and their non-believing followers to cease hostilities forthwith, to preserve and save from damage all Christmas trees, Christmas lights and public nativity displays and to comply with all festive requirements which may be imposed by the Supreme Commander of the Yuletide Powers or by hosts of cable network news shows at his direction.
We hereby command all civil, military and government officials to obey and enforce all proclamations, orders and drections issued by the Supreme Commander for the Yuletide Powers and to henceforth refrain from wishing any and all citizens "Happy Holidays", "Season’s Greetings" or "Best of the Season."
We hereby undertake for the Anti-Xmas Axis to carry out the provisions of the Nativity Declaration in good faith including the restoration of any public Christmas displays and the removal of all non-Christian seasonal symbols and banners including but not limited to menorahs, Kwanzaa kinaras and Festivus poles.
We also undertake to encourage all citizens to acknowledge Christian seasonal greetings in kind, to enthusiastically participate in Christmas caroling and to employ, where practicable, outdoor displays of wreaths, trees and lights.
The authority of the Anti-Xmas Axis shall be subject to the Supreme Commander for the Yuletide Powers who will take such seasonal steps as he deems proper to effectuate these terms of surrender.
SIGNED at Bethlehem, Pennsylvannia this 24th day of December, 2006.
Al Franken, Barbra Streisand and Alan Colmes, By Command and in behalf of the Anti-Xmas Axis
ACCEPTED for the Yuletide Powers by Bill O’Reilly, Lou Dobbs and Ann Coulter