In a move that caught most market analysts by surprise, a class action lawsuit has been launched against one Kris Kringle. The statement of claim was filed on behalf of the class of children professing belief in Mr. Kringle and reads as follows:
Civil Action No. 001/07
JUDICIAL DISTRICT OF THE NORTH POLE
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TO THE DEFENDANT:
A legal proceeding has been commenced against you by the Plaintiff, Johnny Smith, age seven, as a representative member of the class. The Plaintiff claims as follows:
1. The Defendant Kris Kringle (a.k.a. Santa Claus, St. Nicholas, Jolly Old St. Nick), a resident of the North Pole, is the CEO and COO of an enterprise known as Santa’s Workshop.
2. The Defendant employs thousands of individuals variously known as elves or Santa’s helpers at well below minimum wage to produce toys to be distributed to members of the class, viz worthy boys and girls.
3. Notwithstanding a generous compensation package including extensive retirement benefits, the Defendant has consistently only worked one day a year.
4. In consideration of their yearlong good behavior, the class members were entitled to gifts and presents commensurate with the degree of "goodness" of said behavior.
5. In blatant disregard of this longstanding agreement, the Defendant failed to deliver gifts to some class members and, in other instances, delivered substandard, inappropriate or unwanted presents.
6. The Defendant concentrated his efforts on rewarding fellow CEOs in contravention of his duty to his shareholders and his contractual obligations of specific performance. For example, the Defendant awarded a $210 million post-Christmas severance package to the departing CEO of a business known as Home Depot.
7. At the expense of the class members, the Defendant had previously rewarded other underperforming CEOs with seven, eight and nine-figure salaries, stock options and/or severance packages.
8. Despite the Defendant’s underperformance and non-performance, he resigned his positions as CEO and COO effective December 31st of last year and immediately claimed his own severance package of $250 million plus an ongoing generous living allowance, a sleigh-related transportation stipend and a three-bedroom condo in Palm Springs.
Now therefore the Plaintiff claims that the Defendant is guilty of negligence and breach of contract and has breached his duty of care to the class members, to wit, to determine which members were naughty and which were nice and to compensate them accordingly.
Wherefore the Plaintiff on behalf of all class members seeks specific damages in the amount of $12,000,000,000 representing the unearned monies received by the Defendant and his fellow CEOs.
Furthermore, the Plaintiff seeks general damages for hurt feelings in the amount of $600,000,000 and one lump of coal in the Defendant’s stocking.
Wherefore, the Plaintiff prays for (1) relief in the amount of $12,600,000,000, (2) restitution for those class members underserved by the Defendant and (3) a declaration by this Honorable Court that the Defendant does, in fact, exist.
IF YOU FAIL TO OPPOSE THIS ACTION, JUDGMENT MAY BE GIVEN IN YOUR ABSENCE AND WITHOUT FURTHER NOTICE TO YOU.
January 10, 2007.
Supreme Court for the Judicial
District of the North Pole