Feline Follies

"He [John Baird] is also a lover of felines. The Harpers are great cat lovers, too."
- The Globe and Mail - Jan. 5, 2007

Ruff-ruff. Woof, woof, woof.

Hi, I’m Oreo. I’m a Portuguese Water Dog and my so-called master has agreed to translate my remarks for this piece.

I’ve never written an op-ed essay before. Heck, I’ve never even written a letter to the editor. But this latest cabinet shuffle by the Tories has really got me steamed.

The other day I was lying in front of the TV licking myself when I heard that John Baird has been appointed Minister of Environment. Nothing wrong with that, of course.

But what got my tail tied in a knot was the report that Mr. Baird likes cats. And apparently his boss Mr. Harper and Mr. Harper’s wife Laureen are big cat lovers, too.

Now I’m the first one to say that this is a free country and that everyone has the right to their own opinion including, of course, the right to be wrong. But, honestly, do we really want a bunch of mealy-mouthed cat lovers running the government?

When was the last time a cat ever did anything useful? As far as I can tell, never.

These furball-filled felines do nothing but lie around all day eating their owners out of house and home. They barely even acknowledge anyone else’s presence, much less cater to their needs.

Ask yourself when’s the last time you saw a cat taking its owner for a nice walk? Or playing fetch with a ball or stick? Or rescuing some poor misbegotten child from the bottom of an abandoned well?

The world is divided into two types of people: those who like dogs and those who like cats. And when it comes to the latter, as far as I can see, they’re no better than cats themselves.

As for the few cats I know, all they want to do is cut and slash. And cat lovers appear to be the same. Whether it’s programs or taxes, it’s all cut, cut, cut.

Not like that nice Stéphane Dion. The guy owns a dog, a Siberian Husky named Kyoto. Now what could be friendlier than that?

My owner tells me there’s likely going to be an election soon. I don’t know much about elections but I do know a thing or two about cats and dogs. And if my experience is anything to go by, I’d steer clear of the cat lovers.

Most dogs I know will run and play and even let me sniff their butts. But when it comes to cats, it’s just me, me, me and an open paw to the face. And I’ve got the scars to prove it.

So take a tip from a dog who’s been around the block. Before casting your vote for anyone, check out their pet preference. Otherwise, the next thing you know you’ll be governed by a bunch of yarn chasers and bird eaters. Just a word to the wise.