The Seven Dwarfs

Once upon a time there was a kingdom called Canada and it was naturally governed for years by the Liberals. The leader of the Liberals was called the Prime Minister and he ruled over the land as a philosopher king or a petit gars de Shawinigan.

But then one day the philosopher king died and the petit gars was betrayed by the usurpers within his ranks. And the usurpers chose a weakling to lead them, a Liberal named Mr. Dithers.

As sure as day turns into night, the one called Mr. Dithers led the Liberals to defeat. And the land was ruled by the evil Conservatives and their joyless leader from the land of Alberta.

Because Mr. Dithers was defeated, he was banished from the Liberals. And that meant it was time for all the members of the party to meet in a cottage in the forest called Montreal to choose a new leader.

There were eight candidates for the leadership. The fairest of them all was a princess named Martha. But she ate the poison called honesty, fell into a truth-telling trance and thus could not deceive the members of the party into voting for her.

The remaining candidates were the seven dwarfs. The leading one was Iggy, a pseudo-Canadian intellectual dwarf who spent most of his life in the faraway kingdom of America. Iggy liked to write long articles and pretend that he had the answers to big questions. But unfortunately he always seemed to have more answers than there were questions.

Another leading candidate was the dwarf named Dippy. He was called Dippy because he used to be the leader of another party called the NDP. In fact, Dippy still gave money to his old party which made many Liberals wonder if he was really leadership material.

That’s why some Liberals looked to the dwarf called Gerry to lead them. Like all the other dwarfs, Gerry had his shortcomings but he had one big thing in his favor - a limited record. Thus, no one could pin anything on Gerry and he could become whatever the Liberals needed him to be.

Some party members hoped that the francophone dwarf named Frenchy would lead them. After all, the Liberals could never regain power unless they had lots of support in the dependent nation of Québec. But Frenchy had once cast his lot with the petit gars and was no longer loved by Québecers.

The remaining three dwarfs had little chance to win. The one called Kenny was so boring that his speeches could put even caffeine addicts to sleep. No one completely trusted the dwarf named Scotty because he used to live with the hated Conservatives. And the one called Volpy was accused of recruiting underage and overage members.

If this were a real fairy tale, at this point in the story a handsome prince named Justin would kiss the princess Martha and give her the power to mesmerize the party faithful. Or he might leave Martha sleeping and just do it himself.

But this is a fairy tale without a happy ending. For whoever the Liberals chose, whether it was Iggy or Dippy or Gerry or Frenchy, he would still be a dwarf. And the one called Stephen of Harper would crush that dwarf with his pliers, laugh the laugh of the victor and continue to rule over the kingdom of Canada..