After eight months of investigation and deliberation, the Iraq Study Group has concluded that things are not going well in Iraq. Subject to available funding, the same ten-member panel is reportedly also being asked to reconstitute itself under different names and consider some other pressing issues of national concern:
The Oxymoron Investigation Committee
Can someone be both compassionate and conservative? Is "compassionate conservative" a meaningful political descriptor or just an empty opportunistic campaign slogan? If there was ever any doubt, the Oxymoron Investigation Committee will put this issue to rest once and for all.
The Tax Cut Commission
Do tax cuts for the wealthy have a trickle down effect? Certain Bush administration officials have an instinctive belief that they do. An in-depth look at this issue by the Tax Cut Commission should provide the final and obvious answer.
The Arithmetic Commission of Enquiry
Does two plus two equal four? The Arithmetic Commission of Enquiry will spend the time and money necessary to finally solve this once contentious debate.
The Sundown Result Panel
What follows day? Some say it’s night. Are they right? The Sundown Result Panel will tackle this knotty question in short order. Look for a definite answer on this one in a matter of weeks rather than months.
The Facial Features Investigation Unit
How obvious is the nose on your face? What appears to be a relatively straightforward question may, in fact, have several different answers depending on one’s perspective. But if there’s an obvious answer, the Facial Features Investigation Unit will definitely uncover it.
The Moon Constitution Task Force
Is the moon made of green cheese? There are those who remain convinced that Earth’s sole satellite is fabricated entirely of a solid, edible milk product. Hopefully the Moon Constitution Task Force can provide support for a definite answer to this longstanding question.
The Ursine Excretory Commission
Does a bear defecate in the woods? Although some may have their doubts, the Ursine Excretory Commission won’t shy away from this one. They may, however, choose to pass on the more ideologically difficult questions: "If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?", "Have you stopped beating your spouse?" and "Why do Democrats hate America?"
The Invisible Raiment Team
Is the emperor wearing no clothes? Many in the emperor’s camp will swear that he’s wearing brand new clothes and that he looks great. Even the emperor believes he’s fully clothed. The Invisible Raiment Team will get to the bottom of the matter without insulting the emperor’s ongoing beliefs.