The Federal Accountability Act that was recently given royal assent includes the implementation of what Treasury Board President John Baird calls the Mount Everest of whistleblower protection. Now comes the job of designing forms to implement the new legislation, including this rumored "Whistleblower Application":
Form No. TB-666
NAME: _________________________ (no pseudonyms or aliases, please)
ADDRESS: ______________________ (remember, we know where you live)
CLASSIFICATION: ________________ (current level only - future classification not guaranteed)
Briefly describe in the space provided below the nature of the offense or wrongdoing you were witness to including the names and addresses of the employees involved:
Please note that you are required to provide proof that you have already brought this matter to the attention of your supervisor and your department’s deputy head. You must also provide proof that you have alerted these individuals that you will be filing this application.
Are you sure you want to do this? ____ Yes ____ No
Were you aware that the Public Service Integrity Commissioner is a former deputy minister?
____ Yes ____ No
Are you really, really sure you want to do this? ____ Yes ____ No
Did you know that the Federal Court is a federal government court? ____ Yes ____ No
Are you crazy? ____ Yes ____ No
Do you know any whistleblowers? ____ Yes ____ No (If "Yes", briefly explain why you still wish to proceed.)
Are you OK with never being promoted again? ____ Yes ____ No
How often are you willing to be demoted before resigning? _____ times
Do you believe that the wrongdoers will ultimately be punished? ____ Yes ____ No
If "Yes" to the above, please indicate which of the following you also believe in (1) truth (2) justice (3) Santa Claus.
What punishment are you seeking for the alleged wrongdoers? _________
Which of the following punishments would you be satisfied with? (1) letter of commendation (2) promotion (3) diplomatic appointment to Denmark
How upset will you be if the wrongdoers are rewarded instead of punished? (1) very upset (2) somewhat upset (3) not that upset unless one or more gets the Order of Canada
Number of years you are willing to put your life on hold. _____ (5 years minimum)
Amount of compensation requested. ______ (N.B. - if greater than $0, please note that there is no provision to sue the federal government for compensation.)
Once the application has been signed and dated, please mail it to the Public Service Integrity Commissioner and kiss your career goodbye.
DATED AT: _____________