Monday, October 02, 2006

Say It Ain't So, Steve

These recently leaked memos from Health Canada officials in charge of the medical marijuana program may explain some of the recent spending cuts implemented by the Conservatives:

June 14, 2001

TO: Dr. David Turnbull
Chief Medical Officer
MUM (Medical Use of Marijuana)

FROM: Fred Starland
Assistant Deputy Minister

Congratulations to you and your staff for all the work you have done to make this program a reality. With today’s passage of the Marijuana Medical Access Regulations, I’m sure we will soon achieve great success in our upcoming research on the medical use of marijuana.

July 23, 2003

TO: All Staff, MUM

FROM: Dr. Dave Turnbull
Chief Medical Officer, MUM

I’d like to congratulate everyone on a job well done in implementing the new regulations. Some people have criticized us for taking (an inordinate?) (an excessive?) a long time to get the job done. I’m not sure what they mean by a long time. After all, what is time but a relative marker on the road to accomplishment? In any event, hang in there gang and let’s get working. By the way, due to the unexpected (diminution?) (diminishment?) drop in the cookie and muffin supply, everyone is required to chip in to the new Snack Replenishment Fund.

August 3, 2005

TO: Dave "Doobie" Turnbull

FROM: The Reefer Man

Wassup Doobie? Did you try that new shipment from Manitoba yet? Wow! All I can say is "Far out, man!" Who’d a thunk that they could grow weed like that in an abandoned mine? I dunno about you but that’s some badass dope. Even if you don’t have glaucoma or aren’t taking chemotherapy, this stuff has got to make you feel a whole lot better.

September 25, 2006

TO: Dr. David Turnbull
Chief Medical Officer, MUM

FROM: Fred Starland
Assistant Deputy Minister, MUM

It is with deep regret that I must inform you and your staff that the government has decided to cut further funding for our research into the medical use of marijuana. I take great pride in acknowledging the fine work that all of you have done including the three employees who I believe are due for early parole in October. Please be assured that we will make every effort to find suitable positions for all of you elsewhere in the public service.

September 28, 2006

TO: All Staff

FROM: Dave

Hey, dudes and dudettes. My bad. Like I got this memo from the big guy a while ago but I forgot where I put it. And like this morning I was doing some extra "testing" in the lab and I looked down on the counter and there it was. And then I read it again and I remembered what it said, sort of. Something about cuts, man. Cuts can’t be good, you dig? But like we keep coming in every day and nobody says go home, right? So maybe I’ll just pretend I never got this memo. Or maybe we can organize a protest or something. Heh-heh. Just kidding. But let’s not sweat it too much, man. The Reefer Man says there’s going to be an election soon and, if we’re lucky, we can get back to doing what we do best. Researching, right? Peace.

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