Dear Mr. Harper:
Thank you for your recent e-mail enquiry about Washington. We here at the District of Columbia Visitors and Convention Bureau are happy to assist you with your upcoming travel plans.
In answer to your first question, the address of The White House is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. It is centrally located and is easily reached by taxi or Metro.
Like you, many of our visitors express a desire to meet with the President. A few, such as yourself, even indicate that they have a lunch date with Mr. Bush.
We’re sure that you can appreciate that the President is a very busy man. Although he would like to personally meet and greet every visitor to The White House, time constraints and the duties of the office make that impossible.
Enclosed is a brochure listing the scheduled times for tours of The White House. Please ensure that you arrive at least thirty minutes early in order to comply with current security measures.
Although you will not be able to lunch with the President, please note that there is an onsite cafeteria for your convenience. And who knows? You may be one of the lucky few who actually get to meet Mr. Bush as he has been known to occasionally drop by to say hello to visiting tourists.
It appears from your itinerary that you only intend to spend part of one day in our great city. That is your prerogative but we strongly recommend that you extend your visit in order to take advantage of the many great attractions in the D. C. area. Plus, a longer visit will likely avoid the necessity of phone taps and FBI surveillance.
We notice that you are arriving from Ottawa. Is that the Ottawa in Kansas or the one in Illinois? On the off chance it’s the one in Canada, don’t forget to bring your passport. It’s not an absolute requirement yet but it will definitely decrease the chances of an unexpected delay or full body cavity search at the airport.
As for suggestions for a present for Mr. Bush, a birthday gift is not required. The President is just honored that a fellow citizen would take the time to visit his home in Washington. In fact, the Secret Service prefers that you not bring a gift as that, too, can result in delays and more full body cavity searches.
From the questions in your e-mail, it appears that you have a strong, if not singular, interest in the presidency. Of course, The White House will be your preferred main attraction. But have you considered the many other Washington-area presidential sites? From the Lincoln Memorial to the Washington Monument, the D. C. area is chockablock with things presidential. We strongly recommend adding one or more of these stops to your itinerary if for no other reason than to avoid being labelled an obsessive and receiving special treatment from the FBI.
We will be pleased to pass on your best wishes to Mr. Bush. The President always appreciates support for his position on Iraq. On the other hand, for security reasons, you may want to keep it to yourself that you recently visited Afghanistan.
Frankly, we are somewhat mystified by your comments about beef, cod and softwood lumber. Again, in order to avoid unwanted attention from the FBI, we suggest you not share these concerns with others.
Enjoy your trip to the nation’s capital. The City of Washington is proud to be the repository of many of America’s monuments to freedom and liberty. To minimize your surveillance and maximize your personal freedom and liberty, we hope that you will take an extra day or two to visit our great city.
The D. C. Visitors and Convention Bureau