America's Business

George W. Bush is America’s first MBA president. Thus, it’s a bit surprising that he hasn’t considered these business-based solutions to the nation’s current problems:

Privatize the Iraq War
The U. S. has already taken some steps to privatize its position in Iraq. Private firms provide security for the private contractors rebuilding the war-torn country. The bottom line dictates that Mr. Bush take the next logical step and outsource his nation’s military commitment. What better way to bring the troops home than to replace them with mercenaries hired from the likes of Bechtel and Haliburton? As they stand up, we’ll stand down.

Subcontract extraterritorial prisons
The President is taking a lot of unnecessary heat for his extraterritorial prisons, especially the one at Guantanamo Bay. That’s a costly option given the distances involved and America’s inexperience in the field. The rational option would be to subcontract the job to a professional like Fidel Castro. He has more than forty years of experience in torture and the extrajudicial suspension of civil liberties. Plus, most of America’s "non-combatant" prisoners are already in Cuba. Who knows? If the price is right, Castro may even be willing to take on America’s secret prisons elsewhere in the world.

Outsource nuclear testing
North Korea has nuclear weapons and Iran is very close. Instead of fretting about the situation, just remember: when life hands you gators, make Gatorade. Make the two remaining evil axes an offer they can’t refuse. The U. S. military can conduct their nuclear testing for them for half the cost. With America’s leading-edge technology, it’ll be a money maker and we can finally keep a close eye on what those two crazy countries are up to.

Sell New Orleans to Disney
Rather than sinking more money into a municipal black hole, sell New Orleans to the Disney Company. They’ll clean up the downtown area in no time and turn it into the first-class amusement center it was always meant to be. Forget spending billions on the levees; once the rest of the city is under water again, the Disney folks will create the biggest water park in the world.

Sell off low-performing assets
The balance of payments deficit with foreign trading partners is bad and it’s getting worse. Japan, China and India own dangerously high levels of American currency. The easiest way to balance the books is to liquidate underperforming assets. From Maine to Mississippi, there are a number of states that aren’t carrying their weight and could be sold off to retire America’s debt. After all, do we really need two Dakotas?