In an attempt to improve its tarnished image, the National Security Agency is planning to produce its own fun-filled, prime-time television show. Scheduled to air on the FOX network this fall, "Candid Phone" will feature the funniest audio clips from the NSA’s data bank of billions of intercepted calls.
"Sure, this is serious business," said NSA Deputy Director and new Head of Programming Bill Black. "But there’s a lighter side, too, which we want to share with the American public."
At a recent press conference announcing the show’s fall launch, Mr. Black teased the assembled media reporters with a few hilarious clips from the upcoming season. In the interests of protecting the callers’ privacy, all of the participants remain unidentified.
DECEMBER 1, 2004
CALLER 1: Where the hell are the WMDs, George?
CALLER 2: Well, Mr. ********, it turns out there aren’t any.
CALLER 1: Aren’t any? Aren’t any? But you said it was a slam-dunk.
CALLER 2: In all fairness, Mr. *********, I believe I said Saddam was a damn skunk.
CALLER 1: Oh great. Well the only thing I can do now is give you the *********ial Medal of Freedom.
CALLER 2: Gee, thanks Mr. *********. That’s a great honor.
CALLER 1: Don’t let it go to your head. If you’d screwed up anymore, I would have had to promote you to Secretary of Defense.
FEBRUARY 13, 2006
CALLER 1: You shot him where, Dick?
CALLER 2: In the face, Mr. *********.
CALLER 1: In the face, Dick?
CALLER 2: Yes, sir, in the face.
CALLER 1: I take it you don’t like this guy.
CALLER 2: No, no, he’s a good friend.
CALLER 1: Well this is going to be a public relations nightmare.
CALLER 2: Not to worry, Mr. *********. He already apologized.
APRIL 15, 2006
CALLER 1: I’m getting darn sick and tired of you waltzing all over the globe. It’s my turn to run and you should be here to help.
CALLER 2: You’re right, darling. Just as soon as I finish my speaking tour and get these few golfing dates out of the way, I’m all yours.
CALLER 1: Don’t you darling me, you hillbilly Lothario. If I hadn’t stood by you during all those bimbo eruptions, you wouldn’t be pulling down those six-figure speaking fees.
CALLER 2: That’s true, sweetcakes. But don’t forget; all that money can help you win the next election. And then I’ll be right by your side in the ***** House.
CALLER 1: A lot of good that’s doing me now. If I have to move to the right on one more issue or support one more useless war to get that nomination, I’m going to scream.
CALLER 2: Ha, ha. That’s funny H******. Listen, honey, they just called my tee time so I have to go. There’s a small reception afterwards so I might be a bit late. Don’t wait up; I’ll let myself in.
MAY 15, 2006
CALLER 1: The Gallup Organization. How may I help you?
CALLER 2: Are you the folks who do all the fancy polls?
CALLER 1: Yes, sir, that’s part of what we do.
CALLER 2: Look, I don’t know who you’re all calling on those presidential approval surveys, but you never called me. Plus, I checked with all my friends and none of them ever got a call either. No wonder the President is getting a 29% approval rating.
CALLER 1: Well, sir, those polls are conducted on a limited, random sample of voters across the country. The odds of any one citizen receiving a call from us are very small.
CALLER 2: OK, maybe I can save you folks some time and money. I’ve got a list of people here in the 202 area code who’d be happy to participate whenever you’d like. Most of these numbers are for cell phones, too, so you can get a hold of ‘em day or night. Whaddya say?
CALLER 1: [click]