Adult Maintenance Schedule

      When you buy a new car, the dealer provides you with a suggested maintenance schedule, a list of recommended services to be carried out at various set intervals. Many of us follow those schedules faithfully. And why not? After all, a car is an expensive investment and it makes sense to keep it well maintained.

     But if we take that much care with our car, why wouldn’t we do the same with our own body? Hence, a suggested adult maintenance schedule:

Every year or 1,000 miles

Do visual inspection of exterior for any obvious signs of wear or incipient growths.

Check teeth and repair or replace any defective molars, incisors or bicuspids.

Check footwear and replace or repair as necessary.

Test eyesight and install corrective eyewear if needed.

Test compression and advise accordingly (e.g. - lose weight, exercise more, reduce salt intake).

Every ten years or 10,000 miles

Examine for any weight gain and replace belts where needed.

Lubricate all joints.

Check for proper moral bearings and adjust if required.

Rotate footwear and upgrade wardrobe.

Inspect intake valve and exhaust manifold for any leaking or improper functioning.

For male model, carefully examine hairline and take appropriate measures for any recession or male pattern baldness.

For female model, check for facial scratches or imperfections and apply necessary creams and oils or surgically alter if needed.

After 50 years or 50,000 miles

Examine marriage and adjust or replace as needed.

Check for impending mid-life crisis and provide sports car, facelift or younger mate as required.

Test eyesight and, if appropriate, fit with bi- or tri-focals depending on model type.

Replace any clogged or malfunctioning valves and arteries. 

Internally inspect exhaust pipe and remove any unwanted growths.

Check for power failures in the reproductive crankcase and medicate as needed.

Examine diet and remove all sugars, fats and alcohol.

Examine lifestyle and install speed governor to restrict physical movement to appropriate age level.

Check for sleep interruption and medicate if necessary.

For female model, check for flushing, overheating and mood swings.

For male model, check for repeated nighttime fluid evacuation and excessive dripping.

After 75 years or 75,000 miles

Check for pulse.

Replace any worn or malfunctioning joints.

Flush malfunctioning hoses and replace or medicate if required.

Rewrite warranty documentation including will, power of attorney, spare parts donation card, etc.

If nearing end of useful life, reinstall spiritual enquiry module if requested.

Offer customer option of pre-paid chassis removal service.