Traditionally, U. S. presidents exercise
their pardoning power judiciously, generally following established protocol,
usually doing so near the end of their term and often in accordance with a
recommendation from the Office of the Pardon Attorney.
President Trump has changed all that, now unilaterally issuing pardons
seemingly whenever he feels like it.
Many have criticized Trump but I think he
should be lauded for his generous actions. In the spirit of forgiveness
evidenced by the President, I, too, would like to issue my own personal pardons
to the following people:
1)
The used car salesman who sold me the 2002 Mazda just before it blew a
tie rod through the engine.
2) The
server who gave me two cups of regular coffee for breakfast when I specifically
asked for decaf thereby ensuring no afternoon nap that day.
3)
The guy down the street who bought a leaf blower and lends it to
everyone on the block.
4)
The woman who cut me off last week before running a red light. (You know
who you are!)
5)
My idiot neighbor who mows his lawn at 7 A.M. on Sunday mornings.
6)
The moron who snuck into my parking spot just as I was starting to back
up.
7)
The petty bureaucrat at the DMV who let me stand in the wrong line for
an hour before telling me to go stand in another hour-long line.
8)
The cable installer who showed up at 4 P.M. after saying that he’d be
there between 8 A.M. and noon.
9)
The militant cyclist who sped through the crosswalk causing me to brake
so hard I left two strips of rubber on the pavement.
10)
My boss who dumped an urgent file on my desk at 5 P.M. on Friday and
said, “Have a nice weekend.”
11)
The guy who hit my parked car leaving $1200 in damage and no note!
12)
The telemarketer who called three times at dinner time to ask me to
switch my Internet service provider.
13)
The TV network that switched to regular programming in the middle of the
overtime of game seven.
14)
The woman in the eight-items-or-less checkout line who had seventeen
items. (I counted!)
15)
The jerk at work who ate the tuna sandwich I left in the fridge with my
name on it. (It’s not too late to make amends, Peter.)
The only pardon I won’t be issuing at
this time is to the 63 million Americans who voted for Donald Trump. I’m just
not that magnanimous.
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