Last week, Attorney General and Chief Elf Jeff Sessions
justified the new “zero tolerance” policy regarding immigration at the Mexican
border by citing Romans 13 and the Apostle Paul’s command to obey the laws of
the government because God has ordained them for the purposes of order.
Sessions has now decreed that anyone
convicted of a crime, charged with a crime or likely to be charged with a crime
shall be separated from their children. Sessions cited Matthew 19:14 wherein
Jesus said: “Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me.”
“As much as I support President Trump,”
said the former senator from Alabama. “It is clear to me that I must apply the
law fairly, evenly and impartially. Consequently, I am obliged to separate Mr.
Trump from his children.”
While not identifying any crime that the
president has been convicted of, Sessions did suggest that the fact that Trump
is under investigation by Robert Mueller, is under legal attack from Stormy Daniels
and could be indicted on any number of income tax and conflict of interest
charges is more than sufficient justification to take his children away from
him.
Rumors abound that federal agents have
already removed Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner from the White House for their
own safety.
As
Ivanka and Jared were being whisked away to an unnamed detention facility,
agents were also descending on Trump Tower in Manhattan to rescue both Don, Jr.
and Eric. Both sons reportedly fiercely resisted their apprehension but were
eventually subdued with Eric’s elephant tranquilizer gun.
As the two sons were driven to an
abandoned Walmart in Westchester County, further unconfirmed reports issued
claiming that steps have been taken to remove the children of Trump insiders
for their own safety and the safety of the nation. Paul Manafort, Kellyanne
Conway and Steve Bannon were not available for comment although their children
appear to be greatly relieved.
As for Attorney General Sessions, he has
apparently been unable to stop smiling.
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