Last week, Attorney General and Chief Elf Jeff Sessions justified the new “zero tolerance” policy regarding immigration at the Mexican border by citing Romans 13 and the Apostle Paul’s command to obey the laws of the government because God has ordained them for the purposes of order.
Sessions has now decreed that anyone convicted of a crime, charged with a crime or likely to be charged with a crime shall be separated from their children. Sessions cited Matthew 19:14 wherein Jesus said: “Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me.”
“As much as I support President Trump,” said the former senator from Alabama. “It is clear to me that I must apply the law fairly, evenly and impartially. Consequently, I am obliged to separate Mr. Trump from his children.”
While not identifying any crime that the president has been convicted of, Sessions did suggest that the fact that Trump is under investigation by Robert Mueller, is under legal attack from Stormy Daniels and could be indicted on any number of income tax and conflict of interest charges is more than sufficient justification to take his children away from him.
Rumors abound that federal agents have already removed Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner from the White House for their own safety.
As Ivanka and Jared were being whisked away to an unnamed detention facility, agents were also descending on Trump Tower in Manhattan to rescue both Don, Jr. and Eric. Both sons reportedly fiercely resisted their apprehension but were eventually subdued with Eric’s elephant tranquilizer gun.
As the two sons were driven to an abandoned Walmart in Westchester County, further unconfirmed reports issued claiming that steps have been taken to remove the children of Trump insiders for their own safety and the safety of the nation. Paul Manafort, Kellyanne Conway and Steve Bannon were not available for comment although their children appear to be greatly relieved.
As for Attorney General Sessions, he has apparently been unable to stop smiling.