Mulligans for Trump

     Tony Perkins, the leader of the evangelical organization Family Research Council, said that Donald Trump gets a “mulligan” regarding his affair with the porn star Stormy Daniels. What Mr. Perkins didn’t say was what additional excuses he and other evangelicals will have to come up with for other moral infractions by President Trump. Excuses like:

Do-over

      Evangelicals tend not to look kindly on divorce. For the thrice-married Trump, this should be a problem. However, with the implementation of the new marital “do-over”, he should be off the hook, at least for now.

Comb-over

     Last time I checked, vanity was a Christian sin and Donald Trump’s magical hair is nothing, if not vain. But all is forgiven with the granting of one or more “comb-overs.”

Re-do

     Like the “do-over”, a “re-do” will grant Trump forgiveness for his cursing, swearing and intemperate use of language. This will allow him to overcome his use of everything from the “f”-word to “s**thole.”

Mulroney

     “Mulroney” is not just the name of one of Canada’s most despised prime ministers. It’s also a synonym for “mulligan.” So if evangelical Christians worry about overusing “mulligan” for Trump’s past or future sexual indiscretions, they can always use “Mulroney” in its place.

Dubligan

     You’ve made two failed golf shots in a row? Then the second one is called a “dubligan.” This might be handy for those instances where Mr. Trump grabbed some woman by the “pussy” or otherwise sexually assaulted her.

Sullivan

     A “Sullivan” is a “mulligan” in an academic or financial context. For Mr. Trump, that means a corporate do-over in the form of a bankruptcy. This term can be used as often as required as in “We grant Mr. Trump a ‘Sullivan’ on his latest corporate bankruptcy.”

Billigan

     Named after Bill Clinton for his huge number of forgiven blown golf shots, “Billigan” might easily apply to Donald Trump’s never-ending series of lies. Although Christians don’t usually countenance lying, perhaps they could let them slide if they are actually “Donigans.”

Ott

     “Ott” (or “over the top”) is forgiveness for repeated exaggeration. When Trump claims his Inaugural crowd was the biggest ever or that he is the smartest person he knows or that he’s the least racist, evangelicals can overlook his transgressions by granting him one or more “otts.”

Putin

     Whether it’s collusion with Russia or some questionable financial dealing verging on fraud or money laundering, evangelicals will need something to give Mr. Trump continued passes. When the talk in Washington turns to impeachment, they can just grant him a “Putin” or two.

WWJD

     Finally, there’s the ultimate sin-cleansing device: WWJD or “What would Jesus do?” No matter how bad the sin or how nasty the sinner, all he needs to do is repent and everything will be forgiven. When Trump hits his moral nadir, so long as he asks for forgiveness, he can be granted a “WWJD”, otherwise known as a “St. Augustine.”

Free preview of "Donnie's First Year"

My new humor collection is now available on Amazon.com and Amazon.ca. Click on the link to get a free preview of "Donnie's First Year."

Brian's Political Toolkit

     First we had Pierre Trudeau’s kid Justin becoming the leader of the federal Liberals and now we have Brian Mulroney’s daughter Caroline aiming to head up the Ontario provincial Tories. Luckily for her, her old man is still around to share his wealth of political expertise:

My dearest Caroline,

     You’ve warmed the cockles of this old Irishman’s heart by deciding to take up the family business. It’s not that I’m disappointed or embarrassed by Ben’s TV antics but, let’s face it, you can’t get rich hosting an entertainment show.

     Anyway, darling daughter, I’m thrilled that I’m still kicking so that you can benefit from my years of experience. To that end, here are just a few pearls of wisdom that I’m passing on to you:

*     Avoid keeping envelopes of cash lying around. Of course there’s nothing wrong with owning cash but, if you choose to do so, make sure it’s not traceable. If you do goof up, it’s been my experience that if you declare half of it to the CRA, that should suffice.

*     If you end up needing a plane for the campaign trail, I strongly recommend that you not rent an Airbus. They’re perfectly good planes but, take it from me, it wouldn’t be wise to associate the name Mulroney with Airbus.

*     Don’t touch the sales tax; it’s the third rail of Canadian politics. Just to be safe, stay away from anything ending in “ST” unless you’re just switching your clocks back to standard time.

*     Here’s a little tip if you do happen to become Tory leader and then premier of Ontario. Hopefully you win two majorities like your sainted father but if after that you see a disaster looming on the horizon, bail out sooner rather than later. Then you can retire as a great success and hang the inevitable subsequent defeat on your successor. You could give Kim Campbell a call for more details but don’t be surprised if she hangs up.

*     Whenever you get a chance to sing “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” for a U. S. president, go for it even if it’s Donald Trump. Embarrassing as it might be, it’s always a good idea to have one of those guys in your back pocket.

*     If you become provincial leader, make sure the party pays you a little something extra every year for your service. Again, envelopes of cash are perfectly acceptable so long as you don’t broadcast it to every Tom, Dick and Karlheinz. On the other hand, you might prefer that your supporters anonymously donate cheques to a bank account for your use only.

*     Avoid ostentatious quasi-royalty-style living; the voters don’t seem to care for it. Don’t tell your mother but she could serve as your role model for what not to do.

*     If someone says “constitutional reform”, run for the hills. Much as I wanted to put the screws to old Trudeau, I wouldn’t touch that dossier again for an entire pile of cash-filled envelopes.

*     Be careful about unplanned witticisms. I’m not saying that “there’s no whore like an old whore” didn’t fit Bryce Mackasey to a T but, given the subsequent irony, I wish I hadn’t said it.

Love,

Brian a.k.a. Dad

P. S. – I’ve attached a brown envelope with a little something for your campaign. Don’t thank me; thank Uncle Wafid.

Canada's Olympic Senators

     Here’s a handy reminder to you men out there. February 14^th is Valentine’s Day and you better make plans now to celebrate with your significant other in order to maintain domestic harmony.

     What you might not have known, however, is that February 14^th also marks the beginning of the preliminary round of the men’s hockey competition at this year’s Winter Olympics in PyeongChang, South Korea.

     Now if you’re like me, you’ve already written off Olympic hockey thanks to the National Hockey League’s decision to boycott the tournament. Instead of enjoying the best of the best competing against one another, we’re left to watch a bunch of youngsters and former NHL players face off in what will undoubtedly be, at best, a second-rate competition.

     It’s hard to get excited when the likes of Sidney Crosby, Connor McDavid, Eric Karlsson, Patrick Kane and Carey Price will be nowhere near South Korea come mid-February. Instead, we’ll be looking at such “superstars” as Derek Roy, Ben Scrivens, Brian Gionta and Jordan Greenway. Not exactly household names in the world of hockey fandom.

     What’s a hockey fan to do? Well, if you’re a follower of most NHL teams, you’ve either got a team headed to the Stanley Cup playoffs or one that still has an outside chance of making it. So you likely won’t be distracted by the third-rate hockey that will play out at the Olympics.

     Now that’s fine for most of you but it’s of little consolation for us Senators fans here in Ottawa. Our team’s chances of making the playoffs are slim to none. From what I can see, we’re left with a wintertime Sophie’s choice: follow a failing team that’s out of the playoff race or watch an Olympic hockey tournament reminiscent of the amateurs-only competitions of years gone by.

     I think I have a solution to this sad dilemma, a solution that could spark the interest of Senators fans while at the same time burnish the somewhat tarnished reputation of team owner Eugene Melnyk.

     I’m urging Mr. Melnyk to effectively throw in the towel for this season and free the Senators Canadian players to join their national team over in PyeongChang. That would mean forwards like Matt Duchene, Mark Stone, Mike Hoffman, Jean-Gabriel Pageau, Alex Burrows and Zack Smith would be available to play for Canada. It would also free up defensemen like Cody Ceci, Mark Borowiecki, Thomas Chabot and Dion Phaneuf.

     With a lineup like that, Canada’s Olympic team would instantly become the clear favorite to take the gold medal in South Korea. And Ottawa would be transformed from a city having nothing to look forward to beyond a last-place finish to increase the team’s odds for next year’s draft to one filled with revitalized fans looking for Olympic gold.

     There is, of course, the issue of lost revenue. By my calculation, however, the Senators would only miss two home games. To make up any shortfall, perhaps Team Canada’s games could be shown on the big screens at the Canadian Tire Centre and we could pay admission to help out Mr. Melnyk.

     As for any road games during the Olympics, Ottawa would simply concede and give up the two points that they were likely going to lose anyway. If the NHL decides to be a stickler about this, maybe we could just replace the team with the Belleville Senators farm team for the interim.

     Time’s a wasting, Mr. Melnynk, so I suggest you get on this right away. We may have no chance at the Stanley Cup this year but Olympic gold is ours for the taking.  

Word of the Year

 

     Last December marked not only the end of the calendar year but also the beginning of the Word of the Year season. For example, the Oxford English Dictionary folks chose “youthquake” as their Word of the Year for 2017 and Mirriam-Webster selected “feminism.”

     Compared to previous years, the 2017 selections were pretty dull and unexciting. Nothing fun like past winners “truthiness”, “fake news” and “mansplain.”

     Maybe it’s time some of us stepped up to the linguistic plate, mixed a few metaphors and coined some interesting neologisms to ensure that, by next December, we’ll have some truly exciting candidates for 2018’s Word of the Year.

     In that vein, I offer the following creations:

turkeyfication

     Turkeyfication is the act of undermining and dumbing down governmental procedures and structures. It essentially turns an efficient, high-flying creature into a stupid, flightless bird. As in, Donald Trump has engaged in the turkeyfication of the federal government.

trollents

     In our modern digital age, many online publications provide their readers the opportunity to comment on columns and opinion pieces. Sometimes those comments are well thought out and instructive. Sadly, they are often ignorant ad hominem attacks written by the digital equivalent of the nasty troll living under the bridge. Hence the word trollents as in, he had nothing useful to add to the conversation so he simply slammed the author with a couple of trollents.

breitbart

     From the website of the same name, breitbart is a verb meaning to racialize, cuckify or otherwise demonize liberals, progressives or members of the establishment. As in, James breitbarted his opponent by repeatedly calling him a snowflake. See also “bannoned.”

celebrify

     The act of transforming the political system into one dominated by celebrities rather than those skilled in the political arts. Most recently evidenced by the speculation of a 2020 faceoff between Donald Trump and Oprah Winfrey. Example in use: “Homer Simpson’s entry into the race represents the nadir of the celebrification of Washington.”

coniker

     A mash-up of “con” and “moniker” gives us “coniker” which means a nasty nickname created to demean or belittle someone. Although conikers have been around for centuries (think Julius the Jerk or Stupid Socrates), Donald Trump is the acknowledged current master with negative gems like Low-energy Jeb, Crooked Hillary and Sloppy Steve.

statumcide

     If you kill your mother, that’s matricide. Murder a man? That’s homicide. So what do you call it when someone deliberately tries to end the life of an entire nation state? How about statumcide? “Given the antidemocratic and regressive actions of President Trump, he may be guilty of statumcide.”  See also “countrycide.”

aieio

     2018’s new acronym is pronounced “aye-eh-o.” It’s derived from the statement “artificial intelligence expedites inhuman order” and signifies the end of the reign of homo sapiens and the ultimate victory of the robots. It can even be pronounced letter by letter which echoes the children’s song “Old Macdonald Had a Farm” which pretty soon will have no human beings and no Mr. Macdonald.